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My blog
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I love God and music.
Monday, Nov 17, 2008 4:43PM / Standard Entry / Members only
I don't know anything other than I love God and music. In that order.
Yesterday I prayed and I asked God about many things, mostly my fears and the flaws I saw/see in myself.
Sometimes when I feel doubtful, confused and uncertain about myself, (oh...don't we all go thru this at times) I'd question God about my selfworth.
The wonderful thing about God is that you don't have to be anything and you know He thinks you're the best. Don't we all try to be good to people sometimes, even our loved ones so that they know we love and care about them? Wow, how amazing that God can still love us even if we did nothing or forget Him in our zealous pursuits in proving ourselves.
My mum can yell at me " Whhhhhhy are you so unlovable when you don't listen to me? I told you a million times to place your files ninety degrees facing the west and adjacent to the line intersecting the middle, with the red labels, and tilted slightly to the concave slant of the holder so that it forms a perfect arch? Why can't you be more lovable and grow an extra ear to hear my beautiful voice as I nag? It is priceless nagging that you're honoured to have."
Okay, maybe mum DID not exactly say that. Hee hee I am just being bad making her look crazy, but you get the picture.
Maybe my chum/girlpal can go " Whyyyyyyy can't you go shopping with me today? I have pms and feel about to tip over with road rage. The shops can't absorb enough of my anger, I'm letting blood spill in the parking lots" Wow, I'm so sorry about the scary pun in there, oops. But the skinny is---- even your girlpal may find you unlovable.
Maybe someone who adores me will have more patience, since it's inherent in adoration to sort of put up a forced sort of tolerance can go " Ohhhhhhh but why can't you like chocolate instead of vanilla, and cashews instead of almonds and brinjal (urgh) instead of zuccini? And I wish you like chick flicks like I do. And why can't you like cheesy /bad music? i love it when the thunder hits me" All of these things gear me up for Miss Unlovable.
But God never says that. He just loves me even if He weren't into rock music and secretly digs hiphop. He'd love me for loving vanilla and placing my slippers 95 degrees instead of 90 towards the east and He'd still think I'm cute as heaven (since God will never say "hell") if I were a brinjal-broccoli hater and even if I woke up like an evil bear with a sore head everyday.
I just love God because I don't need to do anything. And music. In that order. I don't know anything else.
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My poetry/ Anton's Drink
Thursday, Nov 13, 2008 11:41AM / Standard Entry / Members only
Here's a drink Uncle Ant
Chilled, stirred in sweet lament
Pretty oh and pretty please
Slurp some now this modesTEA
A cupful of your plastic kiss
Green you say like some piss
Hahaha once I start
Hurry fight my quick rebut
That's no liver there I see
Black Black Black totally
Change your drink to ModesTEA
Retard One, Two and Three
Drink them to longevity
Love them boys your faint heart
D'in, Gould, and Klo's art
Animal rage or crazy
Why both of them, they can be
Wished I went to Halloween
Sick and sad was this queen
Wished I met you and D'in
Paddy Chow and his grin
Thanks again the other time
Roses sent and every dimeFor my friend who never got
Nevermind it's the thought
You're Mr Bean at his best
Bought his bear in your jest
Brown Brown Brown I say Brown
Look at him, never down
Here I end, so short and long
An improv poem for Anton WongPS* Paddy C refers to Patrick Chow, D'in , Gould and K'lo and Anton Wong are all AnD artistes.
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Letter from an unknown woman, movie
Wednesday, Nov 12, 2008 2:17PM / Standard Entry / Members only
I just saw Letter from an unknown woman by Xu Jing Lei.
It's a very narrative rich style and the directing takes the unsuspecting audience into the story. But not in that compulsory way. You are not forced into sympathy or to judge the character nor do you feel such a whole lot of emotional turbulence. It is like water with lemon. Only the taste it faint but there. Im trying to say I like the intenalized feel of the film. It isn't a loud, robust load of tears as some other tragic stories can be, nor a vibrant host of tragic events. It is a simple story of something you and I are so capable of doing everyday and that is : forgetting.
I remember how I told my friend that she hurt my feelings when we were in school because of a misunderstanding. She had a crush on this boy for the longest time and so everyday she would tell me how XX would be this, XX would be that. It was so amusing. I thought XX was fine, he was a nice boy. A jock and all but really definitely not like the god she was making him out to be.
And then the time came when I was having a Birthday party. It wasn't exactly a big deal, just a party because some of my friends asked me what I was doing on my Birthday and another group of friends too asked me. And I thought ok, then let's just meet everyone at the same time. This is probably the most practical appraoch for a party u know.:)
So my friend asked if I could invite XX and I said sure. XX and I said hi to each other whenever we bumped into each other at school. I did not know him well at all but he was always smiley and sometimes we would chat a little and asked if the other was having problems coping with studies. I was in the drama club and we did alot of dance, theatre performances, plus debate sessions so my time was also constantly in jeopardy with tutorials! And exams of course. XX was the jock like I said and the pride and joy of my school. He was a studios and decent sort of fellow too. I passed the invitation card to my friend and she excitedly told me how XX had beamed at her and spoke to her briefly. So she got all excited about my Birthday party because XX said he was going.
This story is a little long because it was a misunderstanding that ran so deep. It was also "forgotten" later by my friend but, then I don't think I have that lucky mechanism in my brain. I tend to do best at history class because of this memory factor. :)
And then I bumped into XX and I mentioned casually if he got the card from my friend (let's call her Jill) Jill. And he had a memory lapse and did not know who Jill was. Later I said "the one who passed you the card duh!" he apologetically went " Oh that's right!" I never told Jill this, to this day.
And then Valentine's Day came. Now I'm sure most of you know how commercialized and silly Valentine's day is. And that it was fun only because teenagers wanted to celebrate everything and looked for something, anything to! In my school, Valentine's Day became a day when people gave flowers, chocolates and bears, presents to their friends and sometimes crushes. There was even a song dedication booth and you can go dedicate your cheesy " I swear" songs to your favourite girl or boy. That day when Jill and I walked to the cafeteria for a snack in between classes, XX was there. He was friendly of course and waved to me. I waved back and he came towards me and gave me a big hug. "Happy Valentine's" he said and I said " Same to you" brightly. I really do not think he intentionally meant to ignore Jill but he really accidentally forgot that she was there. He asked me enthusiastically about my performances and if we were rehearsing later into the evenings like the jocks did. I glanced at Jill and mentioned that Jill was also a fan of the game and that we both thought he was a talented player. He smiled and modestly declined the compliment.
Because of this, Jill cried that day when we went back to class. She shook her head and said she did not want to talk and I just sat there feeling so bad because she worshipped him and really thought the world of XX. And then on the way back home, Jill decided she did not want to go back with me like we always did. She was huddled in a corner with other friends and I just left it as that. But I called her later and apologized to her. I just felt somehow that maybe I could have helped her more by praising her or something. I don't know. I was clueless, truthfull I still am.
Jill said this, " I wish I had as many presents from everyone like you did to on Valentine's Day." I went and got her a flower and a balloon and she smiled but said sadly that it was not the same.
And then a second misunderstanding caused the volcano eruption.
It was the day we got our Chinese A level exams back and Jill and I were scared stiff to know. We were even trembling at the thought of failing the paper. Just before we were assembled by our teachers, XX hopped by. He saw me and I waved. He came over to my class and flashed his trademark magnetic smile. Jill was almost weak in the knee but she was so excited that he was coming our way. Then he came and gave me a good luck hug. Actually hugs are really the most common forms of expressions so there really is/ was no big deal about it. XX said " Good luck you'd be great" and I muttered " No...... I'm scared to death" and suddenly he took my hands and went " Woah your hands are so cold!" and he clasped my hands warmly with his big gruff hands for a second before patting them on his cheeks.
That was it. But it was also the last straw for Jill. She shot me this venomous look before sprinting off in the other direction. The toilet. I ran after her leaving XX behind and no matter what I said she refused to speak to me. Jill did very well for the paper. I did ok, not as good as she did but it was alright for me. But she cried ferociously like she failed. That day a mutual friend told me Jill was not going to speak to me for a while because she "did not know what to say".
Jill said " Lydia, guys like you only because of your personality. Do you really think you are that pretty?"
Later Jill and I just drifted further apart. She said it was difiicult being my friend because I wanted to be everybody's friend. Some people she felt were not nice people, and she felt it was not loyal of me to still be nice to them. Later she told me, she found it harder and harder to talk to me because I was always caught up in my own world and. What possibly caused me the most grief was a letter she wrote me. Jill used to write cute postcards to me and I responded by drawing comic faces and writing her inspiring notes everyday. That letter that hurt me is still in my drawer to this day. She said how she could not be friends anymore because she was not happy. Somehow she felt confused, because it was not exactly something I did, or if I was one helluva of a bitchy mofo, or if I was some slutty ass harlot that tried to seduce dudes. She just said it was not the kind of friendship she could take. I wanted to ask more but she said she told me many times before she hated the "social butterfly" antics I had. She said it felt weird and she just wanted a friend who can be so close they could go to the toilet in twos like elementary school.
For the longest time I believed I must be one screw loose or something wrong since I was making her so sad.
Jill is a very attractive girl. She is silm, has pretty hair and a beautiful figure. And we weren't competiting with each other for anything at all. I guess it was just unfortunate then. Also later on she finally believed me that XX and I were such platonic friends and I was not lying when I told her I did not contact him beyond what she saw.
How amazing, for some people, for example like the guy in this movie to forget other people so easily. And then there are the rest who wish they didn't have such an annoying memory to remember. I think if you ask me, I belong to the group of people who need to erase memories, like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It's not even about letting go, it's just one more thing to make you afraid of people.
PS: Yes I know, I should focus on the goooood.
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My friends.
Saturday, Nov 8, 2008 5:46PM / Standard Entry / Members only
I really value my friends alot. By simply paying lip service is really not doing them justice. I really really cherish these beloved pals in my life that tell me they have my back covered no matter what.
I mean it.
My Godsister is this incredible girl, she sends me encouraging verses from the bible almost everyday and inspirational quotes. In return, I tell her jokes, gazillion of them really painfully corny jokes that see her turning pale and foaming at her mouth. Yeah , to be my friend is a horrible and torturous experience. The jokes bit , well that's just level one of the more dire consequences to come.
Then there's girlpal Jac , my super cool and levelheaded buddy. She's the one that will go "sticks and stones will break my bones but words cannot hurt me". If some negative word is passed to either of us , she would chastise whoever or wherever the source of negativity. She is my practical and super logical pal. The one that will sue.
And then there is the homegirl that has known me forever. The hot one. The one that tried to do an ala Clueless on me with the makeovers in our teens. The one that uttered snidely to me that I should treat showbiz like a touch and go goalpost. Well she would attest to that , the hot one was the first to win a talent search at 17. Took the money and AWOL-ed. She was the legend in our time and I'm sure a shrine should be built in her honour but then the hot one had a temper , she had the haters that would dessecrate the temple. So. Funnily, the hot one said, she hated how I liked being friends with everybody. She was direct , curt , diva but super loyal. I assure you , if you merely tried to steal my pretty hairclips , the hot one will roast you. With her fiery laser eyes.
And then there is the sweetheart Jul. Ironically she was the senior in that beauty pageant I was in and she was the judge in that competition. Who would have known that she was so gracious and big hearted that we became really close. We shared similarities that were astonishing. The sweetheart said my timid disposition was identical to her. I cherish her ever nice and giving nature although it meant she was easily hurt. The sweetheart made me smile yesterday when she did a quiz and posted it on facebook , and brought me up from time to time.
And then the guy pals. I think if u remember a few blogs ago I blogged about my "dear John". John and Jack are brothers and people who are hardly in the same country as me. But oh, how safe and secure I know I am when they are around. I always remark wryly how they can slickly change whoever they were dating like the flash ! But no matter what , my playa brothers are always skeptical whenever I tell them about anything, afraid my silly naivety would get me wounded by girls or guys.
Lawrence! The ever sweet , terrific gem! I can always count on Lawrence to give me the pat of assurance.
I think I will leave out telling you about my gay pals. Afterall one of them said he wanted to marry me since he said it would be my GAIN and he would have something funky to show his mum. Who by the way does not know that her very handsome son has a different preference to her wishes.
I am so thankful I have people I can really call my friends. In this day and age everything seems to be confusing and controversial , how do you tell real from fake, short from everlasting?
I know even if the sky collapses, I will be guaranteed the presence of the hot one. She will scuttle to my side and bitch an earful. But give her credit, she is ze goddess.
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Pic.
Friday, Nov 7, 2008 12:48AM / Standard Entry / Members only
When this pic was taken, someone remarked that my hair looked like bird nest fern. :)
