Movie Review: Shaolin/新少林寺

Huge Disclaimer: It was impossible for me to really watch this film because someone’s phone rang more than 20 times during the course of the film. I mean onesingle  person. This was in Olympian City, too, normally a decent cinema. Afterwards, I was told that very likely, once the owner of the phone began to garner a large and voluble lot of grief from the rest of us, the group he was with began calling him and/or each other intentionally to further bother us. This idea is borne out by the fact that the whole gaggle of fey little jerkoffs left just before the film ended so as to avoid any repercussions. I miss America, where people like that get their heads kicked in for being unforgivably selfish little f@#$holes.

Maybe these brats will go on academic exchange and get shot. We can all dream.

Oooh, does that sound harsh? Tough titty. It may indeed be a racist/prejudicial idea, presupposition, or assertion. Too bad. It’s not like this Chinese film treated Westerners any better.

But more about tha t later.

This film tells the story of one man’s journey through evil, hubris, agony, and redemption. A warlord who has everything loses it all and yet, in the end, finds fulfillment. Yes, its that old adage about how one gains everything by giving everything up. Ooooh, so Zen.

So this film is all about loving, kindness, and enlightenment.

Or not.

Because giving everything up is not the same as throwing it all away. A lesson the filmmakers have yet to learn.

My biggest impression of t his film was that it was a waste. A waste of talent, a waste of money, a waste of effort, and a waste of history.

A stellar cast is thrown away on roles, narrative and dialog that are laughable at best and puerile at worst. It reminds me of the old HR Puffnstuff TV show, where a character would occasionally break the fourth wall by looking into the camera and asking “Who writes this stuff???”

When your film reminds me of children’s television, this is not a good sign.

Andy Lau is so afraid of moving his face and showing wrinkles that he makes Keanu Reeves look emotive.

Fear not, though; all the emoting and acting that Andy doesn’t do is done by Nicolas Tse, whose overwrought  performance is cringe-inducing.

Jackie Chan seems to be going through the motions, and while you can say he’s earned the right, he’s also earned the right to pass on roles he knows he’s not going to work too hard with.

Wu Jing is not bad in his role as the elder-brother style monk, though the obvious fight between himself and the main bad guy simply never materializes, for reasons none of us could fathom. He’s among the last of the great martial artists we’ve got left and he never gets to show it. Lovely.

A lavish production and some fine cinematography (allowing for the odd anomalous shots that were obviously video) is thrown away on a story that has no pathos, impetus, or reason to care about it. It looks really nice, but there’s nothing there.

The story of this film is told in the expressions on this poster:

Andy Lau: “If I don’t move my face, I look intense.” Or stupid.

Jacky Chan: “It’s a long damn time sincePolice Story , isn’t it?”

Nic Tse: “Funny, I used to be in good movies. Now I’m shooting my agent.”

Fan Bing Bing: “And I thoughtLost in Beijing made me feel dirty. I was wrong…”

This film won’t really besmirch the reputations of those who are in it.

Well, not the Chinesepeople in it.

Like all good (read: obedient) C hina films of late,  Shaolin/新少林寺 doesn’t miss an opportunity to vilify foreigners, even at the expense of history, truth, and reality.

From www.foreignersareevil.cn/movies/Shaolin:

Foreigners are evil, and in this film they are evil because they are buying China’s treasures from Chinese people to take away from China, and selling Chinese people guns with which they will kill other Chinese people, and they show their brutality by destroying the Shaolin Temple.

They are so evil!!!

Wait… a little… clarification?

They’re not stealingthe treasures. They’re buying them. From Chinese people who are selling them. After stealing them.

And they’re not shooting Chinese people. They’re selling guns to Chinese people, who shoot Chinese people with them.

*The Shaolin Temple wasburned in 1928. By a Chinese person.*

*Actually, more than one. It would take more than one guy with a lighter to torch the whole place.*

Never mind your running-dog imperialist logic and accuracy!

Foreigners are evil.

Because we can be sure that if not for the presence of these evil, corrupting foreigners, no Chinese people would ever sell China’s treasures or shoot Chinese people.

Foreigners are evil and want to stop China’s peaceful rise.

Their recent refusal to lift the EU ban on arms sales is obvious proof: The ban was put in effect after June 4, 1989, a date with no significance whatsoever in China, which is only further proof of the arbitrary, evil, selfish, awful nature of foreigners.

You know what?

The CCP, this godawful film, and those jerkoffs in the audience can all do the following:

Kiss my evil white ass.

Grab some of these pasty, oppressive nuts, too.