Halloween Preparation

I.e. Preparation H.

Yes, it’s Halloween again soon, and that means that 25% of my social calendar is about to be fulfilled.

I will once again sally forth -

That doesn’t mean I’ll be wearing a dress.

-to Lan Kwai Fong, my least favorite part of Hong Kong, to join the Dead Not Alive Halloween Party at Hyde.

I always enjoy the Alive Not Dead Halloween Party.

The first year, I met Cherrie Ying Choi Yi.

Too bad I was wearing a f@#$ing safety light.

And too bad she’s now Mrs. Jordan Chan.

Dammit.

At last year’s Halloween party I met this really hot chick…

Wait, that’s Jae Leung.

Dammit.

I was also in the middle of the 48 Hour Film Project last year. But this year, I will be well-rested for the party.

What to do fo r a costume?

Frankly, although its cooled off since summer, its still warm and humid.

And its worse when the streets of LKF are packed with people.

Sweaty people.

Sweaty drunk people.

Sweaty drunk stupid f@#$ing people…

Hence, I didn’t want to wear something cumbersome and sweat-promoting.

Remember, I am supposed to talk to people, and therefore ought to try and maintain, I feel, some semblance of social presentability.

Said the man who just called all of them sweaty, drunk and stupid…

So no grandiose costume involving appendages, prosthetic limbs, or polyester outfits guaranteed to have me sweating “like a hooker in church,” as my mother used to say.

Given my own checkered past, I tend to sweat profusely in church my own damn self.

Besides, money isn’t as plentiful as it used to be, so I wanted to limit my options to what I had or could make.

I did a little of both.

A quick look through my closet yielded these olive drab pants and tiger stripe jacket.

The jacket is actually a very accurate reproduction of the camouflage pattern used during the Vietnam War.

I also found a ‘drive on’ rag, a sort of all-purpose Army handkerchief.

Hmmm… What do these three things add up to?

***Vietnam-eraUS Navy SEAL:*

“No, seriously… who’s got the f@#$ing ammo???”

“If that dog tries to sh*t in my yard today…”

I wouldn’t recommend making fun of their hats.

Okay, so we have the clothes.

But we need a gun.

I browsed the fake gun stores in Mongkok. Someone asked me if they fake guns are popular in America.

“No,” I said. “Nowhere near as popular as real ones.”

I could have bought a replica of the hand-held minigun used in Predator.

It wouldn’t be historically accurate, but it would be a lot of fun to tote that thing through LKF.

But for the amount of money they wanted, I could buy a guitar.

Then I looked at replica M-79 grenade launcher, a kind of shotgun for hunting Buicks .

Still too expensive.

Realizing I was priced out of this option, I decided to DIY.

Gee, that sounds like my sex life…

This is an M4 carbine.

This is an airsoft replica of the M4 carbine.

Note the shortened barrel. I decided to incorporate this feature since plywood is not too strong.

This is the image hollowed out to save ink and enlarged close to life-size.

Some plywood packing was liberated from the dumpster on the loading dock.

The stencil was used to draw lines that were cut out with a jigsaw.

A Boschjigsaw, just in case its not too late to whore myself to those good Flugtag sponsors.

Note Bosch drill too. Can I have a T-shirt?

Black paint.

A little gaffers tape on the grip areas and voila: a passable imitation M4 carbine that will work nicely for Halloween.

It evokes the real thing without frightening people.

I’ve put more black paint on since this photo.

This only took me about an hour.

But that hour was 10-11 PM, and I was running a saw and hamering and spraying paint.

Can’t do that in a residential dwelling!

I need to go buy some face paint. I will apply it in the correct fashion.

If you don’t know what I mean, and you want to know, come find me at the party.

If you’re at a Halloween party and simply haveto know about the correct application of camouflage face paint, then you deserveto talk to me.

I’ll be at the back of the room, sipping a cough syrup and soda…