Here but there

Have you ever felt breathless , weak and almost as if that fragile heart of yours will beat no more ? Have you ever felt that if you simply shut your eyes , you can will yourself to disappear like a dot , like you've never really actually existed ?

That is some weird place . When you shut your eyes , it is as if all the light is snuffed out of you but neither is darkness engulfing you. I tell you what it is , that place is just a strange silence. If you concentrate really hard , closing your eyes won't bring you darkness nor light , just silence .

People always ask me what happens when I'm out of consciousness . Since I was 14, I've had this strange habit of passing out whenever.  As if  someone grasps my heart and squeezes it until there is nothing left and in that nothing-ness , I disintegrate until I'm not even a particle and then all is silent. It's the silence that is awfully chilling. I don't know why but I don't feel cold . I know I am cold . I can see the specks of warmth dissipating from me . And I always come back. Always .

Honestly if you asked me , if it was because of family ties , or some strange unfinished business left on earth , I'll tell you that is not how it works. In truth there isn't anything worth holding onto , it's the holding on that makes everthing harder .

I once dreamt of Jesus . It was this big garden with many pretty flowers and plants and Jesus was there with all these little childrean like I have had imagined in pictures. I remember there was this huge Roman column of a pillar I hid behind . And then I heard the voice.

"Come here"

"Stop looking around you . I'm talking to you . I can see you . You are always hiding . "

And then I ran out and I saw Jesus smile . And then the image was gone . I have mixed feelings about this . As much as I am a Christian , I am governed by stupid human reason which sows the natural seed of doubt . It is what we term as logic . I wonder if perhaps I wanted to see that vision , dream that dream and imagine that perfect picture . But of course , it could have been a reality and I was a blessed recipent of such wonder .

I asked mum if she had ever had such experiences . Mum has had heart problems since she was a child and her life had always been fragile too . And then she contracted breast cancer when I was 8 . And then fortunately she was treated and in the pink of health ever since . Now and then she gets weak and I am frantic . I know this is a silly case of pure irony . I worry about mama , mama worries about me .

When you lie there for such an amazing long time , you cannot help but think .

Our lives are such illusions . Who knows , this writing you see is not really existent . Who knows it is all a dream and in dreaming does reality become less of a dream . And in reality does a dream seem less of a dream .

There was such a window of time where I felt numb . Consumed by nothing-ness that is . Without anger , without hate and without love , without delight . I don't know if I can tell you if that is a good place . It isn't even lonely , it is just what it was , blank .

Sometimes by sharing all these with you , I am not stuck to a barrel of sadness or sorrow . It is more a wonder of existentialism and bewilderment at the emotions that go through me .