Movie Review: Marriage with a Liar/婚前試愛

I watched this film before Christmas at the Die Nasty.

And let’s face it, that’s where Patrick “My surprise endings are so predictable they’re not surprises at all” Kong’s films should be seen.

That is, assuming they should be seen at all, a very debatable question. But remember, I watch movies so you don’t have to.

The same ostensibly could be said for touching myself, if not for the sake of decency then simply accuracy.

But that would make this review trashy, puerile, and overly sexualized.

Which it ought to be, since Marriage with a Liar/ 婚前試愛 is all those things and more.

Sadly, those are actually the film’s strong points and, in an odd way, it’s only socially redeeming value.

The filmmaking is laughable. Which has some humor value (unintended as it may be), I must admit.

But the film in general is such a mess that I was very, very glad to be sitting in the cheap ripped seats of the Dynasty and not the pricey vibrating seats of the Grand.

The story, such as it is, is also a grand abortion of poor conception, execution, and delivery. A young couple plans on being married. They f@#$ others. End credits.

Simple enough, I assume.

Yet among the mess, there are reasons to enjoy the film. None of them are very good reasons, and none of them will fill your heart with love, glee or hope.

Still, let me try my best to tell you why this film didn’t whip me into a raging fury.

As I said at the top, this film is rife with tawdry, exploitative sexuality.

Granted, you cast Chrissie ‘ 山雀 ’ Chau as your lead and you’re not chasing the Shakespeare demographic.  There are no bird-watchers in attendance, but everyone’s looking at the tits.

And what large and lovely breasts they are.

Chrissie Chau’s breasts are so big that even I notice them. I am not mammarily driven, per se; I don’t get monosyllabically drool-prone at the sight of breasts.

I do, however, notice anomalously large breasts, and she’s got two.

So too does her ‘romantic antagonist,’ E Cup Carol.

I’m not making that up.

The actress’ English name is E Cup Carol. Why?

Maybe because Fitty Tucker was too hard to pronounce.

Maybe because each of her boobs is bigger than my f@#$ing head.

Her breasts are so large I kept exclaiming “Godd@mn, those are big titties!” when I saw them.

And I have a PhD.

Not tomention that I was sitting next to a woman I consider a good friend and someone whose respect I value and whose values I respect such that I would be mortified at offending her.

But I honestly couldn’t help it.

Because they are bigtitties.

Cowabungazongas!!!

So the Fantastic Four of breasts feature heavily in this bra-buster film.

***Marriage with a Liar/* 婚前試愛

is also a film worth noting because Chrissie Chau is surrounded by people whose acting is either as bad or as nonexistent as her own.**

***Marriage with a Liar/* 婚前試愛 redefines the point at which a film stops being a drama and becomes 90 minutes of NG footage spliced together into some minimal narrative sense with credits at each end.**

These people can’t even act like they’re acting.

Law Chung Him is a rotten actor. He sucks. He’s awful.

But he still rules, because he gets to do a love scene with Chrissie and a love scene with E Cups Runneth Over Carol.

Toplesslove scenes.

We’re talking Pastie City.

He gets to be the Mayor of Tittie

City in this movie, and I’ll never even get elected to City Council.

This moron will never become the 5 th Heavenly King, but whenever anyone tries to rag on him too much, he can whip out a show reel from **Marriage with a Liar/ 婚前試愛

that makes it clear he achieved more than enough to tide him over in the “I’m Cooler than You” category.**

The best thing I can say about this film, and I say it sincerely, is that it is relentlessly crass, trashy, and piggish.  Those things are not virtues by even my own twisted standards, but in the context of local film they are.

It is refreshing to watch a film with characters so irredeemable, sluttish, and shameless.

This film is not going to play Up Above without so much editing that it will become the length of an MV. So for that I must give Patrick Kong credit.

Once you begin to realize and take into account how wildly asexual 90% of Hong Kong ’s films are, you begin to see why it is so different to watch young people behave like… real young people.

It’s also nice to know Patrick Kong doesn’t bow to pressure to pander to the China Market, where films touted as ‘the purest love story ever filmed’ ( Under the Hawthorn Tree) get watched instead of laughed at.

***Marriage with a Liar/* 婚前試愛 is an excruciating wallow through bad cinema. But it still manages, in small but significant ways, to redeem itself.**

Don’t misunderstand me. I am not suggesting you actually go this travesty. But if you do see it, on TV or something, just realize that it is not the worst way you could spend 90 minutes.

That would be watching Murderer.