Movie Review: Dragonball Evolution

DISCLAIMER: The following entry contains profanity and sexually explicit language. I'm not apologizing for it because I am very upset and with good reason.

The Movie Night Masochists took one for the team tonight.

I won't tell you where we took it, but that will soon be self-evident.

Without benefit of beer or fish skins, we actually sat through Dragonball:Evolution, one of the worst and most offensive (because it does it in so  many ways) films I have ever seen.

And I've seen a movie calledChildren Shouldn't Play With Dead Things.

This film suckedDragonballs.

So you'd think I would like it.

This movie is so unforgivably bad that we laughed at it the WHOLE time. The opening credit sequence was crap, and it just got worse.

I was eventually reduced to simply shouting "F@#$ you!!!" at the screen.

It's full of hackneyed, idiotic dialogue delivered by 'actors' in utterly pointless, transparent, and poorly executed scenes. This movie looked, sounded and felt cheap.

Which I have always found endearing in a bedmate, but this is different.

It's not just harmlessly sh*tty, though. There are things about it that are not so blithely dismissed.

Even as a white guy, I am sick to f@#$ing death of watching some white guy, dressed unironically in 'Asian' clothes,"Welcome to Yoshinoya of Santa Barbara, may I take your order?"and embodying a Sore White Thumb of astronomically anomalous proportions (and a sh*tty actor in the bargain) learn from Asian people"F@#$ John Woo!": Chow Yun Fat tries to keep us from realizing he chose this movie overRed Cliff, or from seeing him as the new Mr. Miyagi (at least until Jackie Chan remakesKarate Kid).so he can save the entire f@#$ing world (and his former teacher)Behold the White Man whose balls will save the world...and have some Asian girl practically beg him to f@#$ herImagine the white guy is the microphone; that's what the romance in the film looks like.Except she was more eager than she appears here.without his so much as having tried to get to know her or treat her like anything other than a sexual manifestation of our worst stereotypes: in Hollywood, an endless parade of Suzie Wongs didn't make it right, they just make it with Whites. "Dude, shetotallywanted to f@#$ me, for real!"It's like I'm trapped in a cinema that does a weird Groundhog Daysort of thing and just keeps showing me The Forbidden Kingdom or The Mummy: Curse of Brendan Fraser's Retardation, or any other movie where Hollywood wants to 'introduce' Asian culture to an American audience.

Apparently, Asian culture has to be lying flat on its back with its legs in the air for us white people to be even vaguely interested in meeting it.The Dragon(ball) Lady: "I want the white man's balls. Do you like my cleavage? I like fellatio."To be honest, when white people are interested, we mostly just want to see if it's really sideways.

I'm absolutely f@#$ing sick of it. F@#$ Hollywood up its white @ss.

Dragonball: Evolution is offensive, stupid, puerile, pedantic, shtty, and I'm sick and tired of leaving a movie knowing that I could write yet another cinema journal article about how Hollywood whitewashes stories (while simultaneously shtting them all up, a seeming contradiction) and perpetuates what amounts to an ideology of white supremacy, and does so in a movie so unforgivably bad that anyone remotely involved with its production should be serially hate-f@#$ed by a rusty jackhammer, a 2x4, and the entire population of the Pelican Bay State Correctional Facility.On a daily basis for a month. That's how much I hate this movie and all it stands for, and an indication of how much it sucked Dragonballs.The piracy police in the theatre tonight have been the most superfluous, unnecessary  people I have seen since Brooke Shields accompanied Michael Jackson to the Grammys.No one will pirate this film because no one will want to see it. If I find out any of you watched this movie, I'llkill you.