Starting to find my place

I found out that I have a passion for creating a story and creating choreography....these past few days we have spent time thinking up performances that we can do as a group. It's basically the "talented" group against the "idol" group.  All of the "Talented" group people gathered together to have a meeting and come up with ideas.  We spent about an hour thinking up different performances that we could possibly do.  I really wanted to create something similar to "Cell Block Tango" (Chicago) or else "Big Spender" (Sweet Charity).  After the meeting, two of the girls wanted to work with me on something.  I showed them a few videos of performances on Broadway and they got really excited.  I knew that it would be impossible for us to do those numbers with only 2 days of rehearsal,  but it was a good inspiration for all of us.  I told them that if we took any Chinese song, like "Wo Yau Ni De Ai" we could take that song and do something similar to that....so..that's when we started to brainstorm and come up with ideas and a story.  It was so fun for me to bring out things that I've learned in the past and put it to use.  It was the first time that I felt like a leader and really felt like I knew what I was doing.  It was very exciting to come up with new ideas and then choreograph a small routine for all of us.  It would have been much better if we had more time...but, since the directors felt that our program was the most ready....we had to do it last night. 

     The performance was a success!!!!  Everyone really loved our performance and it was the best feeling to bring this concept into the show.  It is the first time I feel right about what I am doing here.  The only thing that did upset me was when one of the judges made a comment about me needing to lose weight.  Weight loss has been above all....my most depressing moments in my life.  It is the one thing that has shattered my confidence with my body and the way I look.  In the past year I have been trying hard to accept what God has given me and realize that my body type is voluptuous and not stick thin.  I've tried to tell myself over and over again that I don't have to starve myself...because truthfully, in the past it has been the only way I can look the way they think I should look.  But....I've been so unhappy whenever I do that....just when  I feel comfortable with myself and others make comments that they like my figure because I have curves.....someone always has to say something that will bring me down again...repeating my YO YO weight loss routine.  Almost immediately after he said this to me.....I wanted to starve myself.  And this is the very thing that I don't want to do....I want to be a good example to those who look up to me....I want them to know that beauty is not being stick thin!!!  But...it's so hard sometimes when people make these comments.  So...my plan is to stay in Shanghai for about 2 years....and if this type of thing continues.....which I know it will.....I'm just going to have to move to NY or London where people appreciate a real woman's body! 

我很興奮的發現自已居然有創作新的体裁和編導的能力.. prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /

過去幾天我們一直花時間去排練一個小組的演出，仍然是”實力派”對”偶像派”的比賽。首先我們全体實力組的人聚在一起討論點子，我們差不多花了一個小時的時間研究出好幾個方案，我說我希望能排一個類似於音樂劇[芝加哥]裡"Cell Block Tango"，或者是像(Sweet Charity)裡"Big Spender"那樣的東西，會議結束後，其中有二個女孩願意跟我一起創作，我把帶來的百老匯音樂劇錄影帶放給她倆看，她們看了都非常興奮。當然我很清楚只有二天的時間是不可能排出什麼經典的，但我相信這對我們來說是一個很好的開始。我首先建議用像[我要你的愛]這首中文歌做基礎去排一些東西出來，她們每個人也增添了一些意見，故事就慢慢成形了。我尤其興奮，因為我能把過去學的東西拿出來派上用場了，我覺得自已像是一個帶領者，很清楚自已在做什麼，更發現到創造新的体裁，編排一短劇原來是那麼刺激的事…我一直在告訴老師，如果我們有多一點時間排練，我們一定會表演得更好，但是導演認為我們的節目已經是最成熟的一個，所以一定讓我們昨晚上就表演了…

    表演非常成功，每一個人都極喜歡我們的演出，讓整個節目耳目一新，說實話，我第一次覺得自已來到這兒參加這個比賽是對的。唯有一件事讓我有點不開心的是，當其中一位評審告訴我，他認為我應該減肥。這些年來[減肥]這二個字已經成為我生命中的”治命傷”，我努力地去試接受上帝給我的身體，我一次又一次告訴自已，我不能整天餓肚子，讓自已變成皮包骨那樣，因為我並不是瘦骨型，當然也有人會說喜歡我有曲的身裁 ..但是直到現在，每當有人說我該減肥的時候，我馬上就會不想吃東西，但事實上我並不想要這樣…我希望我自已能為那些像我一樣身裁的人做一個好榜樣，我要讓他們明白”瘦”並不見得就是漂亮….但是每當別人這樣批評我時，我還是難以接受….所以，我計劃留在上海二年….如果仍然不被接受的話…我想多數會還是這樣….我就會搬到紐約或倫敦，到那些能接受”女人”身裁的地方去…