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Lydia Kuan
Actor , Composer , Singer
323,721 views| 273  Posts

Positivity unnumbered

There's a story about this woman who was divorced, penniless, with two young sons who was at the same time afraid of people and public places. She was so afraid of leaving the house it got to a point she had to find ways to support the family within the comforts of her home. In the process, she made use of her fondness for cooking and made sandwiches that she got her sons to deliver to people. Her sandwiches became increasingly popular to the point she had to decide whether she should allow it to become a real business and move out of the restricted zone of her household kitchen or continue to shell herself and her fears within her house. This was a decision to confront her agoraphobia, which had effectively imprisoned her for thus many years.

Eventually she took her courage and decided to take up a job as a chef of a local hotel. She started to grow so much after battling her demons to move out of her insecurities and fears and within a short period of time, she opened her own restaurant called The Lady and Sons, in Savannah, Georgia. The restaurant grew to receive national recognition and Paula Deen landed her own TV show, launched her cookbooks and even had a role on the silver screen. Today she is one of America's most beloved TV chefs.

I really liked/like this story because I too am a baggage of fears. When I say fears, I mean fears. I used to have a streak of anxiety attacks and would recoil in horror whenever I felt nervous about something. To this day, I act like I'm twelve whenever I have a bad dream of being trapped in some horrendous situation. I would wake up and my legs would go numb or start getting cramps because I had ended up in a foetal position all night. I only truly attained peace when I prayed to God to rid of Goliaths in my mind. It's a very psychological/mental battle that I needed to participate in even when I genially ask God to take over. Because it was a choice to decide if I could believe I did not need to be frightened anymore.

I'm stoked. I know God exists because a miracle healing happened to me lately. Trust me, I saw 7 doctors in whole who told me that the inflammation I had suffered since 9 months ago was not going to go away and that the discoloration and scarring post inflammation would take years and years to go away. They said it was permanent and that I could always think of alternatives and conceal the post aftermath with bandages or material.

You can never possibly understand my grief.

Because mine was not a disability that stated that I would lose a limb or a kidney or become crippled. I wasn't in my last stages of cancer nor was I sick with multiple sclerosis so technically I still should be jumping for joy thanking God for the wonderful life and future I had ahead. Because vanity isn't everything right? But you will understand that every single time I looked at the scars/ discoloration which were 10 inches long and wide I would find tears brimming to my eyes and wish that I could wake up and discover it was all a bad dream. Every positive note I have ever written or shared here with you was written in such pain and fierce hope and faith that God will see me through and He did. My mother whom I love dearly fought back her tears as she saw me whimper in pain every time a new doctor gave me injections, negative words or my unhappiness growing bigger and bigger to a point that I just wanted to give up. I'm not going to convince or valiantly try to tell you that God is so amazing in an overzealous fashion but definitely when you start wondering why He left you when you needed Him is not an indication that He was purely a figment of your imagination just because trouble arrived and you did not know how to handle it. It meant that you are/were trying to harden your heart to kill the hope that faith or God can stir your emotions to a possible disappointment. I'm no stranger to that, my dears.

I have yelled and denounced God so many times and "left" and turned my back on God in scoff so many many times that even a mustard seed is bigger than Mount Everest in comparison to whatever faith I was supposed to have. But funnily I can think, or I can want, or I can believe that I can desert God, He never deserts me. My mum took me to see this new physician who smiled at me and told me my condition was nothing. He said it wasn't even scars, but merely toxins that had been trapped within the body and the "chi" had to be released. I honestly didn't quite believe him. I mean, dude, it's not that I discount chinese medicine or TCM because in my 7 doctors, I did see the chinese guys too and they were shaking their heads to me and telling me no acupuncture nor remedies would give me back my original condition. Funnily this new dude tells me he wasn't a chinese physician just that the logic was similar in the area of "chi". He was trying to show me that the manifestations of scars and discoloration were not due to bruising and swelling more like the dispelling of yet-to-leave toxins. Words aside, for the first time in 9 months after I had first started to swell so badly and needed crutches to walk about because of my bad legs, I saw my legs started to heal and the discoloration and bruising (for 9 months dude!) fade. It was merely a day after I had seen the guy and he had tried to induce blood circulation back to my legs by beating the hell out of me with this big black bat. I believe it's a one of those things they use for reflexology purposes or improving blood circulation for people who suffered arthritis.

It's definitely God, because 9 months ago when I suddenly got plagued with this condition I was at a point where I was excitedly and merrily launching new projects and everything had to be on hold because I just could not walk and then mum had her terrible cancer. It was a double wham bam which once again God saw us through. Because mum got healed too after operation. People think it's one of those early acute stages but actually no. Mum was quite sick and the cancer was in 3rd stage. She also has had a series of heart diseases from young and we were all scared out of our wits. When mum got better and my faith in God went further and stronger, I started to slowly crumble at the reality of my own dark pit. It was just too stifling sometimes and when people asked me how things were, I just felt pressured. I hated talking about my physical ailment because everyone just wanted to have a peek when they hear about it. Or they would start questioning you out of pure curiousity and boredom. I too developed agoraphobia and started to dislike leaving the house. I'm sure you know it affected my work greatly and also made me feel worse about the people that believe and supported me. Then there are the detractors who could not wait to see you fall flat on your face. This was reality, this was the world.

But hey, who cares? I'm a positive girl and being healed now makes me positive that I'm never going to be any less. If you never confront your demons or your fears, they will be in you. If you do, they will be out of you and in your face dancing like Goliath and David, the little shepherd boy did kill him with a slingshot. Now, what were the odds then? So have faith and believe not in the flesh eye.

I love my mother and my brother so much and the friends who have patiently fought by my side, and patiently endured my whimsical tempers. You know who you are, and you know that whatever little I have, I will do my best to stick with you all the way just as you have for me. :)

PS In case you're wondering, Paula Deen was in Elizabethtown starring Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst and she played Orlando Bloom's aunt. Her cooking was heavily featured in the movie.:)

over 10 years ago 0 likes  8 comments  0 shares
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This is a really good read because I think I'm still somewhat a victim of fears to the point that anxiety will stop my movement and everything goes dark. Thank you for sharing Lyd. Aside from this, hope all is well with you especially the recording of your new album.
over 10 years ago
Jayson 93 2
Great to hear you and your mom are better now. Thanks for this blog entry. Another great reminder that we all should never lose faith no matter what adversity we are facing.
over 10 years ago
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I'm saddened to hear about what you've been and currently going through, but also happy to hear that you are staying strong as you are recovering. There is no greater healer than the power of positive thinking. Its important one stays positive because its the one that stops the toxins from developing within ones body. How do I know this? Well there's a book called 'The Miracle of Waters' which I don't know you may have heard of, but explains that water, has memory, and that it is influenced by the powers and intent of thought. When immersed in a loving atmosphere like classical music or whispered to with words like 'I love you' and then frozen and examined under an electron microscope, the crystals in the water became beautifully symmetrical. When the water was exposed to violent rock music or words like 'I hate you, you make me sick' the crystals were shown to be dissonate, asymmetrical and broken up. When you consider that over 85% of our body is water, you'll understand how important it is for us to have the right frame of mind, because it is now shown it DOES have an affect on our health. There's other research made by a Dr Bruce Lipton on this which in his 'A New Biology' video also talks about how thoughts affect our cells. You can check this out on Google Video. I'm going to be putting up a piece today on my blog which I hope will inspire you. It is called 'Lady Gaia Speaks' and it is one amazing piece which I would like you to read. Hopefully it will help you slowly but surely, recover.
over 10 years ago
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Been patiently waiting for you to continue with your positivity series. Glad that you are all well again... ha what did I tell you. You were too negative then. But its no use telling you what you can't see at that time until you see if for yourself. I'm so glad your leg ailment has gone away, Hallelujah!
over 10 years ago
Mariejost 26 dsc00460
Sometimes we don't get what we ask for at the time we ask for it. It is when we don't understand the reason that the trouble starts. We always think that everything that happens to us is only about us. But we live in a web of relationships and are always on the verge of making new ones. For everyone who is suffering, there are multiple opportunities for others to alleviate that suffering. For everyone who falls and can't get up, there are opportunities for others to help. For everyone who can no longer find love within themselves, there are opportunities for others to love them. I work in a place where we have disabled children as 50% of the child care center population. Some of these children are profoundly effected. Many of them will never really "get better". They will never be like other children and live a normal life. But it doesn't stop there. These children are an opportunity for a whole host of people to be touched, to be brought out of themselves, to contribute something to the world that, maybe, they didn't even know they had within themselves by working with these children and their families. So in the midst of difficulties and trials, it can help to look at what opportunities we are giving others to add something to our lives and to the lives of others that wouldn't have been called forth in any other way. We all have our time when we are at a low point and really cannot help ourselves. We are dependent on the care, concern and knowledge of others. But this is how the world is bound together, in these relationships. We will also be called upon again and again to be there for someone else's brokenness. Just another example of how no one is truly alone. We really are all in this life together.
over 10 years ago
Yummy
All in His timing, aye? Glad the time came for you and your mum :) Paula Deen is one of my cooking heroes. She doesn't go in for that fru-fru flavorless crap no one wants to eat. She uses all the best ingredients and never, ever sacrifices flavor! Life should be the same way...
over 10 years ago
Photo 43083
So very glad to hear things are finally going well for you Lydia ~ been missing you & the positivity blogs ^^
over 10 years ago
Default avatar
Thank You for conjuring up the strength once again to share your personal trials and tribulations - as with your past sharings, you have progressed and taken two steps forward, only to be knocked a step backwards - once again, now is the time for you to take those two steps forward in your noted dreams and plans that were put on hold for the past +9 months. Best Wishes and Good Luck.
over 10 years ago

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October 26, 2007