Positivity unnumbered

There's a story about this woman who was divorced, penniless, with two young sons who was at the same time afraid of people and public places. She was so afraid of leaving the house it got to a point she had to find ways to support the family within the comforts of her home. In the process, she made use of her fondness for cooking and made sandwiches that she got her sons to deliver to people. Her sandwiches became increasingly popular to the point she had to decide whether she should allow it to become a real business and move out of the restricted zone of her household kitchen or continue to shell herself and her fears within her house. This was a decision to confront her agoraphobia, which had effectively imprisoned her for thus many years.

Eventually she took her courage and decided to take up a job as a chef of a local hotel. She started to grow so much after battling her demons to move out of her insecurities and fears and within a short period of time, she opened her own restaurant called The Lady and Sons, in Savannah, Georgia. The restaurant grew to receive national recognition and Paula Deen landed her own TV show, launched her cookbooks and even had a role on the silver screen. Today she is one of America's most beloved TV chefs.

I really liked/like this story because I too am a baggage of fears. When I say fears, I mean fears. I used to have a streak of anxiety attacks and would recoil in horror whenever I felt nervous about something. To this day, I act like I'm twelve whenever I have a bad dream of being trapped in some horrendous situation. I would wake up and my legs would go numb or start getting cramps because I had ended up in a foetal position all night. I only truly attained peace when I prayed to God to rid of Goliaths in my mind. It's a very psychological/mental battle that I needed to participate in even when I genially ask God to take over. Because it was a choice to decide if I could believe I did not need to be frightened anymore.

I'm stoked. I know God exists because a miracle healing happened to me lately. Trust me, I saw 7 doctors in whole who told me that the inflammation I had suffered since 9 months ago was not going to go away and that the discoloration and scarring post inflammation would take years and years to go away. They said it was permanent and that I could always think of alternatives and conceal the post aftermath with bandages or material.

You can never possibly understand my grief.

Because mine was not a disability that stated that I would lose a limb or a kidney or become crippled. I wasn't in my last stages of cancer nor was I sick with multiple sclerosis so technically I still should be jumping for joy thanking God for the wonderful life and future I had ahead. Because vanity isn't everything right? But you will understand that every single time I looked at the scars/ discoloration which were 10 inches long and wide I would find tears brimming to my eyes and wish that I could wake up and discover it was all a bad dream. Every positive note I have ever written or shared here with you was written in such pain and fierce hope and faith that God will see me through and He did. My mother whom I love dearly fought back her tears as she saw me whimper in pain every time a new doctor gave me injections, negative words or my unhappiness growing bigger and bigger to a point that I just wanted to give up. I'm not going to convince or valiantly try to tell you that God is so amazing in an overzealous fashion but definitely when you start wondering why He left you when you needed Him is not an indication that He was purely a figment of your imagination just because trouble arrived and you did not know how to handle it. It meant that you are/were trying to harden your heart to kill the hope that faith or God can stir your emotions to a possible disappointment. I'm no stranger to that, my dears.

I have yelled and denounced God so many times and "left" and turned my back on God in scoff so many many times that even a mustard seed is bigger than Mount Everest in comparison to whatever faith I was supposed to have. But funnily I can think, or I can want, or I can believe that I can desert God, He never deserts me. My mum took me to see this new physician who smiled at me and told me my condition was nothing. He said it wasn't even scars, but merely toxins that had been trapped within the body and the "chi" had to be released. I honestly didn't quite believe him. I mean, dude, it's not that I discount chinese medicine or TCM because in my 7 doctors, I did see the chinese guys too and they were shaking their heads to me and telling me no acupuncture nor remedies would give me back my original condition. Funnily this new dude tells me he wasn't a chinese physician just that the logic was similar in the area of "chi". He was trying to show me that the manifestations of scars and discoloration were not due to bruising and swelling more like the dispelling of yet-to-leave toxins. Words aside, for the first time in 9 months after I had first started to swell so badly and needed crutches to walk about because of my bad legs, I saw my legs started to heal and the discoloration and bruising (for 9 months dude!) fade. It was merely a day after I had seen the guy and he had tried to induce blood circulation back to my legs by beating the hell out of me with this big black bat. I believe it's a one of those things they use for reflexology purposes or improving blood circulation for people who suffered arthritis.

It's definitely God, because 9 months ago when I suddenly got plagued with this condition I was at a point where I was excitedly and merrily launching new projects and everything had to be on hold because I just could not walk and then mum had her terrible cancer. It was a double wham bam which once again God saw us through. Because mum got healed too after operation. People think it's one of those early acute stages but actually no. Mum was quite sick and the cancer was in 3rd stage. She also has had a series of heart diseases from young and we were all scared out of our wits. When mum got better and my faith in God went further and stronger, I started to slowly crumble at the reality of my own dark pit. It was just too stifling sometimes and when people asked me how things were, I just felt pressured. I hated talking about my physical ailment because everyone just wanted to have a peek when they hear about it. Or they would start questioning you out of pure curiousity and boredom. I too developed agoraphobia and started to dislike leaving the house. I'm sure you know it affected my work greatly and also made me feel worse about the people that believe and supported me. Then there are the detractors who could not wait to see you fall flat on your face. This was reality, this was the world.

But hey, who cares? I'm a positive girl and being healed now makes me positive that I'm never going to be any less. If you never confront your demons or your fears, they will be in you. If you do, they will be out of you and in your face dancing like Goliath and David, the little shepherd boy did kill him with a slingshot. Now, what were the odds then? So have faith and believe not in the flesh eye.

I love my mother and my brother so much and the friends who have patiently fought by my side, and patiently endured my whimsical tempers. You know who you are, and you know that whatever little I have, I will do my best to stick with you all the way just as you have for me. :)

PS In case you're wondering, Paula Deen was in Elizabethtown starring Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst and she played Orlando Bloom's aunt. Her cooking was heavily featured in the movie.:)