NOW

lately i've been doing a lot of reading...books given to me, suggested to me...it's always telling when someone gives you a book.  what type of book it is, how they know that you NEED that book.  sometimes of course, it's embarrassing...but mostly, it's lovely, a sign that that person knows you, cares about you, loves you, and wants to help you find peace, happiness, calm. 

i'm trying so hard to live in the NOW, to be in the present, let go of the past, not worry about the future.  it's hard to do, you know?  it's the simplest thing, the easiest way to live happily, if one could just DO that...but then why is it so hard?  but it's baby steps, right?  remember that movie "what about bob?" that was great....baby steps...so when i catch myself going into unhappy mode, thinking about something i wish DIDN'T happen, or wish so much WOULD happen...it's a start...hopefully, i can start having less and less times where i'm catching myself and more and more where i'm just living and enjoying the now, BEING, without worrying, cuz there's nothing i can control, and the only thing i can control, is living the fullest this very moment...it makes everything feel so juicy, important, thick, rich...every single NOW moment, is like that deep dark chocolate flourless cake...dense...i want to live each moment to that level of intensity.  cuz all that matters is now.  who really cares what happened way back when, or even ten seconds ago...it's over...and the future?  what is the future? 

you know, it's so hard for me to really live this way, but i'm trying...and even just writing about it, i felt it, and i felt like i was sinking my teeth into that cake, and it was delicious, gorgeous, and i'm smiling a huge smile and feeling this peace that only i can bring myself to feel.  and that in itself is wonderful cuz that means nobody else controls it. i own it.  yay!!  hehe...like my best friend becca and i always say...good times...good times...