Movie Review: Due West: Our Sex Journey/一路向西

Trust me, cancel your trip.

Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1s9LWbxilk**Due West: Our Sex Journey/一路向西 was adapted from a highly popular internet novel about a young man’s sexual adventures both here in Hong Kong and in the Chinese city of Dongguan.**

Of course, in the film, all reference to Dongguan has been excised, because there are no hookers in Dongguan. Just ask China. 

Unfortunately, Due West: Our Sex Journey/一路向西 takes the idea of adaptation a little too literally.

It becomes a laborious recreation of the novel through the bludgeoning overuse of dialogue, and what you end up with is 119 excruciating minutes of rarely unrelieved tedium.   

You mean I’m not interesting just by virtue of being me?

The cardinal sin of Cat III movies is to make something boring.

Listening to self-absorbed blather that reads much better (and faster) than it plays onscreen becomes a real endurance test. 

And the few times your eyes are given more than your ears, they’re still getting short shrift.

Let’s not beat around the bush.

We’re not in Taiwan, after all.

The force that drives Cat III is naked (and hopefully attractive) women.

The Force is weak in these two.

I don’t watch these movies for the plot, the acting, or the cinematography.

Sex education in China has a long way to go. 

I watch them to see naked breasts.

The laying on of hands is an age-old medical practice.

And, if I’m lucky, pubic hair.  

I meant in the crotch. 

Sadly, this was not to be; hope as I might, there was no pubic hair to be seen.

Yes, I’m a grown (and divorced) man, and I’ve seen my fair share of it in real life. Grown women have seen a lot of f@#$ing shoes, too, but they still get excited when they see new ones.  

There’s no pubic hair on display in Due West: Our Sex Journey/一路向西, and damned few breasts. 

I realize it’s hard to get (or afford) pretty women to show off their breasts and/or forestry.

But I guess I had hoped for a little bit higher standard, and I was denied.

Ugh.

Jeanna Ho is pretty, but the rest of the women in this movie were a pack of howling fuglies.

They look like they fell out of the Ugly Tree and hit every branch on the way down.

They could scare a starving cat off a garbage truck.

They could make a freight train take a dirt road.

They made Amy Winehouse look good.

The prostitute in the third act was vaguely attractive, but her breasts were so comically large that it actually made her look worse.

She better marry a chiropractor, ‘cos she’s gonna need a backiotomy.

I’m not going to spend much time on this review, because the sooner it’s done the sooner I can start forgetting I watched this travesty.

If you pay to watch this movie, you’re the man in the photo and she’s Due West: Our Sex Journey/一路向西.

“What are you doing back there?”

Don’t ask me how I know this, but the Poison Dragon Drill is a hell of a lot more fun than watching  Due West: Our Sex Journey/一路向西.