Can you hear the sound of one hand fapping?Last weekend the Gang of Film (電影人幫) managed another double header. It wasn’t a totally Dynasty affair, but we did manage to stay within the confines of the
Newport Cinema circuit (
Newport FB page).
We met at the Dynasty for the 4:10 screening of
33D Invader/蜜桃成熟時33D, the latest film from
Cash Chin, who has made his share of films both good and bad.
“Send the Japanese one to my trailer. NOW!”
The film was supposed to be at least partially in 3D (hence the title), but apparently they decided not to carry through on this intention (read: they ran out of $).
But so what? 3D gives me a headache, and that’s of no use to me, especially when watching 90 minutes of prurient cinematic indulgence.
The Dynasty is the Gang’s venue of choice for subpar films, so we were all rather surprised to note that
33D Invader/蜜桃成熟時33D was being digitally projected. Of course, the largest ‘benefit’ of this was being all the more aware of how dirty and dusty the Dynasty’s screen is.
But for HK$45, who really cares?
And how many times have I asked myselfthat
The film opens with a credit sequence whose voiceover exposition is only slightly less laughable than what we see; naked people on intergalactic boogie boards in what is supposed to be a chase scene.
In 2046 (!) the world experiences cataclysmic changes that render 99.9% of men infertile. The United Nations (!) sends a woman named Future (Macy Wu Qingqing) back to 2011 to find a healthy male to impregnate her.
She is menaced by two assassins from the planet Xucker (?), the Japanese AV veteran Taka Kato:
“Madonna can’t masturbate with these fingers. Because they’re MY Godd@mn fingers!”
and his female partner Hsueh Ya-Wen:
That’s her in the police uniform. Nice highwaters.
They are appropriately (?) named Xucker #1 and Xucker #2 (sadly, this leads to no ‘third input’ jokes or scenes). You can tell they are aliens because of their makeup:
Wonder if the hat matches the purse. But don’t wanna find out.
Taka Kato is known as the Hand of God in Japanese AV, to the extent that he has a vibrating model of his godlike hand on sale:
What, you thought I was kidding?
Once the credits are done, we are treated to a quartet of (Asia-relative) buxom women running down a beach.
Another equally amusing voiceover tells us these are all young, diligent university students. They are studying medicine and law (with an emphasis on women’s rights) and hope to find the right man at university.
Just regular girls, really. With big t*ts.
Japanese AV actress (hmm, that phrase gets a green squiggle) Akiho Yoshizawa plays Jeana, the budding feminist lawyer, who is attracted to (but does not trust) Lawrence (Taiwan’s Chen Jyun-Yan).
Who wouldn’t trust this face???
How attracted is she? Check this out. Lawrence defends her honor in the face of the pervert Sean (played by Samuel Leung Chuk Moon):
I don’t mind being branded a pervert as long as the perv is played by winners of this caliber.
Sean retaliates by dumping red paint all over Lawrence as he and Jeana walk hand in hand. Lawrence is then sneaked (snuck? sneaken?) into the female shower by a grateful (and oddly unreddened) Jeana, who proceeds to show her gratitude by giving Lawrence a hand (so to speak):
Make sure it’s vigorously clean, would ya?
But Jeana is not sure if Lawrence really likes her, because she later sees him hugging Future, who arrives into Lawrence’s life with a literal flash of lightning, leading to what may be Subtitle of the Year:
“There’s a naked girl in my room! Fuck!”
Future has to find a suitable mate, and she finds Lawrence 97.3% healthy, leading to an offer of instantaneous reproductive access. She has three days, and she is being hunted.
Remember, Xuckers #1 and #2 are here as well. They intend to rape Future, because they are radioactive and will destroy her reproductive system.
Gee, that’s nice.
So now we have two story arcs that are speeding towards each other like trains in Wenzhou.
And no foreign safety system to blame. Dammit.
To recap the arcs: the future of mankind and the faithfulness of a 20-year old Hong Kong male.
Oh the humanity.
I’m going to abandon the synopsis here, because there’s really no need to be exhaustive. And no one watches these movies for the story.
Unless they’re completely f@#$ing stupid.
To wit: Jeana’s friends assert that the best way to find out who Future is and how Lawrence feels about her is to sleep with Lawrence’s friends.
Makes sense to me, but I have a penis.
But here’s the problem: Lawrence’s friends are
**1) a really fat kid,
**a really skinny kid, and
3) some guy who sweats a lot.**
Meanwhile, Jeana’s friends are all hot.
But hey, hot girls willingly bang ugly guys all the time.
Trust me, I know this. I get more hot ass than a toilet seat in a Mexican restaurant on Buffet Night.
Still, the girls aren’t convinced. Precautions (of a type) must be taken.
They work; thanks to a liberal dollop of Tabasco sauce clumsily (if hilariously) relabeled ‘philtre’ (oh the nostalgia) two of the three guys get lucky.
Of course, the philtre is given tothem, not the girls. Because ugly guys won’t have sex with hot chicks otherwise.
While we’re on the subject like a bad suit, one of the girls actually gives her virginity to the (hopped-up-on-philtre) sweaty geek just to help her friend find out if Lawrence is a worthy catch.
Let’s face it,
mostHong Kong girls would
happilytrade that meaningless bit of skin for their friends’ peace of mind about a potential suitor.
We don’t need no steenking plausibility!
But here’s something worth pointing out: The fat kid ends up getting knocked out, so no nookie for him.
Concurrently, Hong Kong
leng mo Monna Lam is otherwise occupied during the, uh,
Fact-Finding F*ck Fest, so she (like all good frigid HK actresses) doesn’t get naked, much less laid either.
Making her the cinematic equivalent of an unconscious fat guy with a bad dye job.
Congratulations. I hope you’re proud of yourself.
Snarking aside, I really enjoyed
33D Invader/蜜桃成熟時33D for all the right reasons.
It’s sleazy exploitative trash, but it never pretends to be anything else, and if it wallows in its own inappropriateness, its only being comfortable at home.
That’s something we all have a right to do.
The film mostly avoids the nasty sexual excesses that other genre films (including
3D Sex and Zen) commit; there is a rape scene, but it is presented with so many odd and disturbing twists that you never get even the slightest feeling that you (or the victims) are supposed to enjoy it.
You’ll never look at cactus the same way again. Enough said.
Yes, it’s nasty when a KY Jelly-vomiting female (but hermaphrodite) alien rapes a woman. But when that activity takes up the left half of the screen while the right half is occupied by an amateurish and oddly grim painting of Donald Duck, the whole thing is so twisted that there’s virtually no chance of titillation. Only an odd, creeping nausea.
Which also goes for an earlier scene involving the skinny kid and Hong Kong’s famously Cantophone Indian
Gill Mohindepaul Singh, who ends up the victim of joke that usually occurs offscreen if at all.
Even the non-coerced sex scenes are difficult to take seriously, since the accompanying music is apparently a free track available from Apple that makes Kenny G sound hip.
I was expecting Michael Wong to saunter out from behind the sofa with his saxophone:
It’s so big… and hard!
The only thing worse is the final sex scene, because the same music now ends up being given English lyrics and a ‘melody.’ The problem is, its sung by a local and the English is, uh, rather non-musical.
But in true Cat III fashion, it is truly funny as f@#k.
Please go see
33D Invader/蜜桃成熟時33D. It has a lot going for it. It’s entertaining. It will make you laugh. There’s a TON of other stuff I could talk about, but I am leaving it unsaid in the hope that it may motivate you to go see it.
This movie was so much fun I paid to go see it TWICE. And I laughed as much the second time as the first.
*33D Invader/蜜桃成熟時33Ddeserves credit for being absolutely unable to play in China. It is a resoundingly, refreshingly, and depressingly rare instance of pure Hong Kong cinema in an age where such things are becoming only memories. For that reason alone, we should support it.*
And it shows you that not all Chinese women are afraid or unwilling to be naked on film, unlike their ‘freer’ Hong Kong neighbors. God bless them for that, and for sharing it with us.