on foucauldian theories.

I would like to share some thoughts. In my years growing up as a child, I used to question and rationalize madness,insanity and things people do out of the rational. I wondered if our present state of existence was perhaps a chapter of the dreamlike state, that this may be all a dream from another clearer world. And then I looked at the people from the mental institutions and wonder if they thought of us,people outside as the truly mad mofos. What is mad,Reason and everything that we have come to accept as a social code of consciousness?

Foucault talks about how strait jackets and even freezing showers were used to "discipline" the patients running wild in an enclosed institution or otherwise known as a hospital. These guys were not getting better when u torture them but,they become subdued because these treatments "internalize" their actions until they stop actively getting out of control. Or the "control" society viewed as appropriate.

When I saw the shrink at a point where I was really depressed, I had this exchange with him,and it was fun and interesting to see his responses. Here is what happened. This was after a couple of times and we were quite familiar with each other already.

Shrink: 1 thing that sets u apart from my other patients is that u have an active mind.

Me: I do,im very curious. But it also requires a certain period whereby I am in my comfort zone for me to be vocal about my questions.

Shrink: Did I earn that trust?I hope u trust me.

Me: I don't "trust" u,i just trust that u can help me out of the confusion I was in. Mostly a moral confusion.

Shrink: Moral confusion? No other patient talks to me about their moral confusion,unless it is a justification for something they fell out of law for.

Me: The supposition of morals and code of conduct,ethics ect is ultimately man-made. Who is to watchover and give the nod to the parameters of the code of conduct and morality? But I guess in a civilization when a set of laws and rational pattern of thinking is used as reference to the orthodox way of living in a controlled society towards crime,it works. I don't think some aggressors see themselves as wrong. Hence it irritates me when people tell me not to worry because so and so who did u wrong will not sleep very well for the rest of their lives. The oppose is true. I am the one that's losing sleep out of fear.

Shrink: hmm.

Me: Some people work on the rules of amorality. Their moral code has not been broken because it operates on one that functions as a separate tool from the one we see universally thrown in society. Hence u can say robinhood,who steals,but for the good is a broker of the universal code but he did not break his own parameters. I find it annoying when people tell me, "oh u should not feel bad,be upset or angry.cos the aggressors will get their just desserts." It is a lame lame fallacy. How many serial killers are there uncaught in the Wanted list in FBI? How many go away and lead happy lives,in their perverse world sleeping well at night and till their death will never be found. Of course,I'm saying that is a possibility. Maybe there are serial killers who feel bad and sit there saying sorry until they are dead. But do u think so?

Shrink: I see where u are coming from. But to me it's simple for your case. Just ignore the flaws. Sometimes not everyone is aware of what they are saying,they mean well.

Me: Trust me,I understand their kind intentions. There are some who impose their thoughts though. I am not defending suicide as an act of heroism,but it is not the universal idea of escapism either. I can safely tell u,I know what would happen and that I would be able to stand up and face the music,but it is the realization that life is such a cycle that one actually feels an unwarranted sense of heaviness to want to stop short this cycle that keeps revolving. And my anger,hurt and all will always be purged. But I will ultimately be angry again. Not because I haven't purged enough,but it is natural and somehow I will react again and differently too because  intrinsically the differing course of action is always determined by a person's state of ine,his/her experiences that mould her line of thought. So,for me,I have moved and even forgotten/forgiven but there is another 50/50 chance of being maybe worse, It is this knowledge that people try to cut short their tired minds,not escapism. Because u know u can get it done,healed by actively wanting to,by engaging with positive people,by being positive and strong again.

Shrink: Yes. Try not to listen to people who just speak randomly then. I realize u absorb like a sponge,u're very analytical. Most people argue for the sake of arguing, it's ingrained in them that certain things are a certain way. That's why racism exists, it cannot be rationalized.

Me: Yeah,but I'm surprised u're agreeing with me.

Shrink: I agree with u because U know what u are doing. And I don't doubt for a second that U aren't a young,intelligent lady. With your qualities,it is such a waste to throw it away in the gutter and perish. I think that's what most people will think.

Me: Most people just utter a generic form of advice. In truth if I listened to them,I might/would really go nuts.

 Shrink: I am almost afraid of how u judge me chuckles

Me: For your impressive scholastic achievments,I would not dare to judge u.grin Look at your wall,u'v decorated it with your multiple degrees. Mum says u are the best in Asia.

Shrink: In most cases my patients suffering from depression come in here and keep mum and are too tired to talk. U have a spark,do not lose it. I know u have not given up on yourself.

Me: No,I never have and will. Depression happened to me because of disappointment and the breakdown of the sanctity of true friendship. It was below the belt.

Shrink: I agree. But unlike u,she operated on her code of morals. She might not have broken any of hers by her standards.

Me: I know.grimaces

That was several years ago when I was still a very angry person. I have definitely sifted through my thoughts now. No wonder someone coined this term "the sands of time" ,I had to sift thru evey grain to understand the workings of my mind and to finally obtain the closure I sought. I have,by the way. Which is why to me my focus is now not on self interest.