Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan
NOVEMBER 30, 2005 | ISSUE 41•48##ARTICLE TOOLS
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*Democratic Middle Eastern Union Votes To Invade U.S.06.22.05KARUNCHI, SNAKISTAN—Citing crumbling relations due to years of protracted french-onion diplomacy, the president of the Central Asian doritocracy Fritolaysia withdrew the country's ambassadors from Snakistan Monday.ENLARGE IMAGE"We have been supplying the people of Snakistan with pre-packaged consumable goods for over 40 years, and for them to show resistance to our savory products is unacceptable," Fritolaysian President Barbbaku Chedar said, referring to Snakistani officials' unwillingness to adhere to Fritolaysia's zesty new initiative introduced during a between-meals conference at last week's international-trading summit held in München, Germany."Fritolaysia has no choice but to crumple up and throw away all chiplomatic ties with the greedy, gluttonous government of Snakistan," Chedar added.Relations between the two countries grew stale in 1994, when Fritolaysian rufflelutionaries crossed zestablished borders and forced Snakistan to dispatch cheesekeeping forces. The late-night SALTY talks held at Snakistan's Kuler Ranch, however, cooled the spicy conflict with the signing of the historic Buttermilk Compromise, which established bilateral chiplomacy and regulated trade flows by setting the international Rold Gold standard of currency.The dispute over increased prices and decreased serving sizes escalated when Snakistan, swayed by the influence of the nation's healthiest 1 percent, signed a historic fat-free-trade agreement with the Yogurtslavian nation of Colombo. Preparing for a long and grueling war of nutrition, Fritolaysia imposed trade snacktions and set up a blockade of Snakistan's major ports, cutting off their commerce with Yumen, Mmmmadagascar, and the Chex Republic.ENLARGE IMAGEFritolaysia's CORNCOM command center.According to internoshonal-relations expert Grady Freedman, Snakistan's reliance on, and craving for, Fritolaysia's delicious exports will likely force their chargé d'éclaires to re-establish ties with Fritolaysia's government and draw up a late-night treaty."The only option besides bowing to Fritolaysia's demands is to begin trading with the extreme funyunmentalist people of Utzonia," Freedman said, referring to the Blandinavian nation that offers similar but less-satisfying goods for cheaper exchange rates. "But deals with the Utzonians always leave a funny taste in your mouth."With much of his country fearing that the rift with Snakistan could lead to a family-size conflict, Snakistan's President Ghulam Murtaza Pringle, whose pork-rind-barrel legislation and 2002 negotiations with international spambassadors earned him the Hormel Peace Prize, said his country cannot live without a strong, flavorful relationship with Snakistan."I am sending hundreds of chiplomats to Fritolaysia in the hopes that something can be worked out," Pringle said. "Even if we have to dig in and get our hands a little greasy, we aim to hunker down, preferably on a couch."
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