Old School

I was originally planning to putting on a few films tonight, but instead, I was busy planning for this week and next week. And during this process, I started to putting on old school jams from WAY back in the days. Days from middle school/ high school/college. Craig David's 1st album, Lauryn Hill, Miles Davis (Time After time-always gives me goosebumps no matter how many times I listen to it), Linkin Park's 1st album, Mya f/Silkk the shocker(Moving on), Brian McKnight, Babyface, India Arie, Incubus, Goo Goo Dolls, Ginuwine, R. Kelly(Heaven I need a hug), Red Hot Chilli(Under the bridge), Musiq(half crazy), Seal, Switchfoot, Nsync(i admit it). And just listening to a lot of these songs be bringing back a lot of memories and i remember the certain stage in my life I was at back in those days. A lot of love ballads and all those relationships from the past flash past my eyes and I realize I ain't really dated in any serious manner for about 2 years. For a large part of h.s. and all of college I was involved in relationships. I was a big r&b fan back then, nowadays I guess there's been nothing but disappointment in most of my love indeavors and I am no longer waiting for the cinderella. no more expectations. I guess the older you get, the more you see and experience, the colder your heart gets.  I wish it wasn't this way. I wish I can be saved and someone can soften this heart. I guess all my toughness that's made me endure all my arduous times has the side effects of a cold heart since you don't allow anything to faze you and you tell yourself to keep enduring and don't let anything get to you. Not the pressure, not the long working hours, not the criticism of other people, not the cockiness of others who look down on you, not the ambition you lay on your own shoulders, you tell yourself you gonna have your day and gonna show everybody what your made of. All this motivation you give yourself and you endure and endure until one day look back and realize all this has had a price to pay. I'm losing my passion, losing focus. It's nice to just listen to the good old school songs and picture all those images and those feelings from long ago.It was nice to just stop time for a sec and stop thinking about all the craziness that's happening. Stop thinking about the stuff I gotta do, and my ambitions, my films, my life. Just turned off all the lights and roll w/the music, get those goosebumps, singing along, just like the old days. I remember getting lil heart broken when I was a lil kid and listening to boyz II men, hahha, all these things. I use to sing a lot way back in the days and took lessons and stuff in college and loved it. Ever since I went off to China, i stopped singing. I think it was b/c I was forced to sing a lot at KTV in China and got tired of it b/c it was expected; I was expected to put on a show whenever we were singing, or freestyling at KTV, it was like "your an actor, u must love to sing, now sing!" and it got to the point where I stopped enjoying singing. And tonight it felt nice just to sing again, my voice is pretty whacked now(it's been years since i sung), but it felt good, getting some feelings off your chest. I've always loved music and said it's my 2nd love to film. I think I'm stuck in a rutt and just can't wait to get out. It's a real struggle to be an artist nowadays with all the BS that goes along with it. I recently got a job to help payoff my bills, and obviously it's good to get cash flow. and I'm teaching tennis again, and tutoring. So I mean, I guess i live a pretty normal life right now, and it's hard to get motivated and hungry to get at the things I had previously planned. But I know the direction I'm headed, just need to force myself to keep at it and never stop.  I feel jaded but I keep telling myself I can take more. I must endure and last, b/c I have too much riding and i can't quit. My friend said today I should a gf but knows i won't be able to handle one. haha, I think I always knew i'd be the kind of guy to put career ahead of social life. I was born ambitious and i don't think that'll ever change. But yeah, i need to lighten up a bit w/all this work and focus on dating. Yeah, maybe that'll change perspectives a bit. With all this pressure I feel and the work I have ahead of me, it may seem like I'm on a break but the foot never got off the pedal. I guess I gotta keep driving."Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, with open arms and open eyes"Incubus- "Drive"Update on life:-took up part time job w/startup company-teaching tennis again-tutoring(training for now)-recently cast in a feature film in a supporting role for "Fiona's scrīpt" to be shot next week.-signed up to direct "24 hour theatre show" where a scrīpt is written/rehearsed/acted within 24 hours before the show. This weekend.-"Drowning" still in post, focus on new concept for ending sequence. (deals with photography, so... that means more work) -Developing: a documentary(plan to be shot in bay area in next 3 months) and a feature film to be shot in LA in next few months after the documentary.This week is really hectic b/c of : my new jobs, theatre show I will be directing this week, film rehearsal and shooting for "Fiona's scrīpt" this and next week. =/ a lot of work. I think everything will be better after this week. But damn boy, I think for the first time, I felt a bit of pressure today as I looked at my schedule for this week. Well, nothing's gonna change, I do what I gotta do, there's no backing down. Time to snooze to get energy to get prepared for all this craziness ahead.