Movie Review: 3D Sex and Zen/3D肉蒲團之極樂寶鑑

Sad, really, how many people will read this. My reviews are the only blog entries that get any attention, and weirdly enough, the worst movies get the most views. I know it’s not a case of people actually recommending my review. It’s more the reality of random people searching the net and finding the title.

That’s my guess, anyway. And considering how much buzz this film is generating, this review will probably get read a lot more  than my review of The Drunkard, or Gallants.

Speaking of which, I told you, bitches.

But never mind my self-absorbed blather; I should do my maundry (!) elsewhere…

3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy/3D肉蒲團之極樂寶鑑 is the latest adaptation of The Carnal Prayer Mat, a story written a long time ago that makes it seem like Chinese people might enjoy sex, a concept for which you will find no anecdotal evidence among the average Hong Kong person (more on that later).

Because no one would admit to liking sex.

Oddly, the original title transliterates to Meat Futon, which I think is a much catchier title, and I know I am not alone in this:

I like how they Photoshopped the face of Ryoko Hirosue onto one of the actresses. Because the Japanese are so haam sup.

3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy/3D肉蒲團之極樂寶鑑 is a remake of the 1991 film of (roughly) the same name.

Which is pertinent, because that film was actually enjoyable, with a lot to recommend it beyond (and indeed in contrast to) its sex scenes.

Frankly, I can’t say that about the remake.

I could be brusque and say that we saw it at the Dynasty, and deservedly so.

But I feel this film deserves The Full Boat, as they say.

It’s messy, poorly written, badly acted, and directed in an even worse manner.  The cinematography is so bad that I thought I had glaucoma.

It’s garbage.

But its in 3-D.

Don’t worry, it’s water.

And it has naked women.

You can see they public hairs…

Fanboys of the world erect.

I am sure they are all a-Twitch over this one.

There’s no sense offering a synopsis, since there really isn’t one.

Imagine the cinematic equivalent of a fat drunk suddenly deciding to dance naked on the bar.

There’s really nothing worth watching, but at the same time you can’t look away.

Hu Jintao’s pool parties arelegendary .

All that said, there are things about the film that make it worth seeing. There are a few memorable Moments, and some of the characters are very worth watching.

All males, by the way. But more on that later.

Tony Ho is absolutely hysterical as the bad guy, a man whose ruthlessness is beyond measure, as is, of course, his schwanzstucker.

Note to Hong Kong readers: That is NOT a watch brand.

Tin Kai-Man and his partner, Obscure Wong,  are not only funny but oddly engaging as a pair of hapless ‘surgeons’ whose master has gone on to the Big Hospital in the Sky. There are a few witty, acerbic, and insightful comments thrown around, and I found this bit of social-relevance-comedy very odd and welcome. You’ll just have to watch it to see what I’m talking about.

It is also funny to watch Vonnie Liu, who is quite obviously a woman in a very visual sense, at times be dubbed by a man. So it’s really her on screen, but that’s not her voice.

“ In my pants, I am like this!”

Speaking of which, those aren’t Vonnie Liu’s breasts either. You can see that they’re CGI even though the shot is quick. I also have spoken with someone whose perusal of a working print of the film confirms that the boobs you see do not belong to her.  They are rendered.

So the virtue of Hong Kong women, who only show their naked assets in ‘art’ films (and even then only rarely) is preserved.

Which is not to say that Vonnie hasn’t taken a large pile of abuse in the media for her role.

Which makes me fucking sick.

Ahhhh, the World City of Prudes.

You can’t have your cake and eat it too. But Hong Kong is certainly going to try. Hong Kongers love to talk about sex as if its some forbidden narcotic substance, one we all want but no decent person would admit to wanting.

In this city, the old buildings get demolished but outdated moral stances hang around with more obstinacy than toenail fungus.

Hong Kong loves to titillate itself with this kind of garbage. Then they promptly excoriate and villify any woman who fulfills their childish desires. The English word ‘cheap’ has crossed into Cantonese usage to denote a woman who presents herself in an even vaguely sexual manner.

What the fuck will they say aboutthis poor schlub???

Hong Kongers will call women like Vonnie and Gloriana Wong cheap at the same time they’ll all feverishly lap up whatever media these women are in.

As if marrying for money, having sex only for children, and looking down on any- and everyone else are such great things for women to do.

Fuck you too, you self-righteous gold-digging shrews.

If I want to watch AV stars in sexual situations, I’ll watch AV.

And I’ll admit it.

And I won’t say that the women I watch are sluts and reprehensible for doing it.

Because they’re no more (or less) guilty than I am.

There’s no Chinese word forskanktuary.

I guess I’ll never be a Hong Konger.

All in all, you can’t deny that 3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy/3D肉蒲團之極樂寶鑑 is a film with some relevance and importance, if not much cinematic merit.

It tells us a lot about ourselves, about who and what we are.

But it did leave me with one burning question:

Why does the Chinese version of sexual excitement sound so fucking annoying?