Malaysian Vacation: Day 6

To be honest, I am not sure if these photos/events are from Day 6 or 7. But does it really matter?

Don’t be nervous. We’re here to help you.

Day 6 in Malaysia was, as usual, a blast. As previously noted, we basically rolled around the city in fantastic cars and told jokes, entertaining ourselves and hopefully those around us. 

If not, f@#$ ‘em.

There are two things I want to share with you about Day 6.

I am legally prohibited from sharing much else, so suffice it to say we had more fun than God and the law would allow.

But never mind that. 

Ben, Alvin, Rafael and Jonathan Chen, the bass player I met at the G Spot, went for lunch at what is probably Penang’s oldest Nasi Kandar restaurant. 

Hameediyah (164 Campbell Street) has been open for more than 100 years.

And with food this good, I can see why!

As I usually do in these situations, I allowed the others to choose the food. I trust their experience in these matters, and besides, it’s obvious to anyone with a decent sense of vision that I am not a picky eater.

Hameediyah’s food is fantastic. I ate like a king, and enjoyed every bite. I don’t know what you call most of these dishes, but trust me when I say all of them were great.

“You touch our food, we’ll f@#$ you up…”

I hope I left some food for everyone else. It was just so good I couldn’t stop eating. 

Speaking of eating…

That night we caught up once more with The Model Who Shall Not Be Named, otherwise known as Amy Fay. She and her minder Cindy were at Club 69, hanging out with some bunch of guys from the auto show.

These guys were none to pleased when we showed up, but who cares?

Believe me, it’s not like I wanted to take these girls away from them.

And lest you think I’m lying or trying to blow off jealous steam, events took what might be called a validating turn. 

Ben had been meaning to let me taste some of Penang’s best Drunk Food (i.e. late night street food), and the thought of food was very appealing to Amy and Cindy.

Because drunk skinny girls always eat like sober fat girls.

As we all walked out of the club towards our respective cars, Amy let go with yet another champion spit.

On the wall of the club.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Rafael was between Amy and the wall.

And he got kind of sprayed.

I’d been laughing and joking and carrying on with Rafael for a few days at this point, but suddenly I saw what I thought was a chronic smile vanish.

I don’t blame him. He’d just gotten spit on.

 Amy realized she f@#$ed up.

But she herself was f@#$ed up…

I have to admit it was funny to watch her try drunkenly to both apologize and make light of the situation. It was funny because Rafael was understandably having none of it. He was angry. I don’t blame him.

We arrived at the food stand and Ben ordered the food. 

I watched it being cooked, and I couldn’t wait  for it to be done. It was, I assure you, as good as anything else I ate in Penang, which I am now convinced is a Malay word meaning City of Phenomenal Food.

While we waited, Ben was taking photos of the stand and the menu, and like all girls with self-esteem issues, Amy couldn’t stay out of the way.

I don’t recall if Ben prodded her or it was just her own natural instinct and ‘personality,’ but she had no problem making the photo op more interesting:

Isn’t she special?

I was honestly confused at this point. It didn’t seem like she was acting naturally. It seemed too willful and calculated.  

She was trying to be sexual and gross instead of just being that way, if that makes any sense.

In my life, I have known a lot of people from the seamier side of things, people for whom sex is a job instead of a hobby, people who profit and thrive from the pain and misfortune of  others. 

Let’s just say I’ve been around some real f@#$ing animals. 

And none of those people would act like this.

Believe me, this is an act.

Or acting out, one or the other. 

I began to wonder how far she would take this act.

So I decided to see if this girl had any boundaries whatsoever. 

While she was, uh, posing with the hot dog illustration, I said “ Work the balls” in a voice devoid of humor or lightness.

“There aren’t any,” she said, as if I’d asked her to pass the knives and forks. 

This human car crash is going to end up a dirty stain on the tarmac somewhere on Porn St. within five years, mark my words. I think they found the star ofTouched By An Uncle .

I remember thinking I was old enough to be her father.

And being really glad I wasn’t.