God’s making me wait.

( theDieline: Beautiful inspiring cans from the Phillipines)

“Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?” -Job 2:10 

I had an eventful day today and it seems as though some change inside of me is stirring. Perhaps keeping to myself and being estranged from friends always seem like a better option than not. I’ve been in and out of the country with an attempt to open myself to new markets in Asia.

It’s a step towards my dream of being one of the biggest stars in Asia.

I think anything is possible and believing in yourself is the first step. Yet again, I have barriers which I still have to overcome and I feel constantly challenged by them:

1. Language: Difficulty is met when my multi-lingual knowledge is limited to phrases and colloquial understanding of it all. Just to give u a preview, I have been taught 4 languages in my lifetime in addition to English:  Malay, French, Mandarin, Japanese, including surrounding myself in Cantonese and Hokkien environments all my life. So I’m back in Malaysia now and eagerly practicing Malay again with friends that tell me I’ve done well so far, but I must keep pushing harder. The trouble with immersing myself in a language is that I always fall back to English as my safety net, if I get frustrated, I just go back to English.

2. The Right Market: I always get interviews questioning me on my decision to “Come Home to Malaysia” and how life seemed so good there. It’s always about having and edge on your competition, but then again, it’s also not being the goat in the field of cows. (Doesn’t really help anyone, does it?) I feel like I’ve been hitting walls going from one place to the next and starting from scratch, especially at this ripe old age of 19*. I’m too Pan-Asian. I’m too Chinese. I’m not Chinese enough. I’m too Western. I’m too short. I’m too skinny. I’m too fat. I’m too muscular. I’m not feminine enough….From one market to the next, I’m to be groomed to be something I’m not and I get lost because I’m so eager to fit everyone’s mold and seamlessly adapt to what they are looking for. When I first got back, I had blonde streaks in my hair and armed myself with a leftover tan from Vegas the months before. Now my face is brightened and hair coloured a deep-chocolate brown. have I lost myself?

3. Time: I’ve lost time dedicating myself to my “work” and being disciplined about trying to maintain a healthy blogging cycle with updated pictures, following up and making connections happen, being seen at events and catching up with latest goss in the industry. What I’ve lost mainly, is time with my friends and family. I recently had a birthday dinner with a few close friends and more than half couldn’t make it (for valid reasons) and to be honest I was a little dissapointed. As I’ve been caught up with work, I’ve prioritized them over my friends.

Tonight, I sat with an industry veteran to meet up on a potential opportunity. He’s not exactly a spring chicken, but he’s put in time and hard work among many other things to be where he is today. I was reminded again why this little bit of adversity is worth all the good that God gives. No one ever has an easy break, and I’m always in a rush trying to check everything off my to-do list for my career. I complain so much and I’ve only REALLY been working as an entertainer for ONE year. It’s always about my plans, my decisions and my strategies. I’m stubborn as a bull and I am the architect of my own demise. The kind of pressure I give myself is weighed on my ambitious nature to struggle until I acheive what I’ve set out to do.

Randomnly, as I went home lamenting on my weight loss, dulling skin, and quiet phonecalls, I started thinking of the Book of Job from The Bible. Maybe it was Job’s conversations with his friends, or perhaps God’s speech to Job that spoke to me. I learnt about how the mighty power of God has his own reasons that need not be justified by us. So as the man Job put it in words, “Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?” I have been hitting “walls” and making small breakthroughs but always pushing my gains into this ideal timeline of success.

However, it is in God’s timing to reveal what adversities He’ll be putting me in. I try to justify my acts and assume it is all God-willing because I’ve made it happen but it all just becomes one entire self-fulfilling prophecy. It becomes false and innately human. Not only that, I feel embarrased when I can’t remember the last time I contributed to helping others than helping myself. (Thanks Boo Boo for reminding me) I’ve felt the warmth of so many helping hands guiding me yet sometimes I feel like I haven’t given back -and I don’t mean attending an event to collect a handsome token for my presence.

I want to wake up tomorrow and thank God again for another moment of His time. :)