So.

I told D I was quite ready to start working out and go to the gym again, he looked at me doubtfully and said I should rest somemore. But at the rate I am going I'd be writing 2000 facebook entries a day,and probably go nuts still trying to do up the new place everyday. I need to prepare for some things coming up, if I keep letting myself go,I feel weird lazy and very fat. It doesn't help at this point to add more problems! I need a new workout regime,I need to really shape up.

Working out helps sometimes to make me feel better. Whenever I had the stupid cursed cramps all women suffer from, I'd go to the gym and run like a freak. The blood circulation is better and even though I feel like chewing someone's arm off at the first few minutes it becomes a relief when I run over an hr.I know I know some of my friends think Im excessive, and I am indeed. Working out this much makes me a very hungry person indeed and I don't like how my ferocious appetite keeps making me crave and fantasize about food. Like I said,I swing from one extreme to another,sometimes when Im awfully upset I tend to binge. And mind U binge I did for the last few mths and it has been very disasterous on my body. I'm not bulimic so I don't binge and it goes down the flush, I have effectively gained so much weight it's horrifying. But most people won't believe me because I'm really small boned and I have awfully skinny arms. That creates the illusion of "thinness" and only the party herself knows where the fats were going to. Look,they exist and have to be SOMEWHERE. I feel like Im as chubby and cherubic as a newborn. And it annoys me. Because I feel that I have been slacking off on my discipline.

My good friends are all aware of this problem I face. Afterall when Im upset I don't take it out on an alcoholic beverage, I never liked drinking, although I was fasicnated with using wines as part of my cooking. If I had an inclination towards ciggies,maybe that would relieve the stress too, but nada, I don't dig the smell of smoke either. The only thing about me is my really voracious appetite after I started working out alot in the last few years. Whenever I was happy, I ate. Whenever I was unhappy I ate,and ate and ate and ate. I ate so much I would be eating and tears would pour down my face. This was when I realised one day that I was not eating because I was hungry but punishing myself. I became paranoid about myself quite alot and food became a topic I found slightly sensitive. I HATED people telling me to eat more,because they had no idea how MUCH I had been eating already.To list it out here would scare most people,even turn people off or U will not believe me but put it this way, at a given time when I'm really bingeing, I could eat a 3,4 men meal and still eat again later. My best witness to this is Dave, who became so alarmed he monitors my movements more often now.

Sometimes being too disciplined will lead to some sort of a disorder somewhere. No one is perfect and the distress in your body causes a person to actively want to self destruct,and I was perfectly aware of my problems. Just that I am trying everyday as it is to treat them. Doctors exist to help patients but at the very core of it all,we have got to want to be helped. And I think I do,I really do