Official Artist
Lydia Kuan
Actor , Composer , Singer
354,435 views| 273  Posts

Psychological bargains

Recently I stifled a chuckle when some friends remarked wryly that I've been sounding a little more religious in my blogs and updates. They had this slightly impish twinkle in their eyes as though to poke and make a jibe at my sudden "fervour".

I told them it was no "fervour" and not "sudden".

The truth is even as I used to like releasing my angst or pent up feelings in art forms, such as writing edgy poetry or proses, I am like everyone else craving for happiness and peace. Hence after I've found it, and the void's been filled, naturally you know, I would erm, sort of tell the truth in its plainest form. I'm humming and hawing because I think I am slightly embarassed to look like a Miss Holy wannabe but I am not ashamed to tell it as it is. I had a void in my heart for years and my breakthrough was really giving it all up to God. You see, although I've been introduced to this whole God-concept since young,( I call it that, to show you my previous mindset) I was always the "I know who God is, but I did not exactly know God" like I should have. It can be superficial to live closeby but never more than skimming the surface. And hence my conclusion is I ain't some religious holier -than -thou wannabe. I'm only sharing with you my humble opinions and experiences that made me in sync with the Spirit rather than going all philosophical about the seven deadly sins or ten commandments.

I also think God would look perturbed if I suddenly tried to turn into a holy joe. So, I'm not trying and hence it is as it is.

I used to have a very warped mind. Don't mind me, but I still think I kindda do, old habits die hard you see. However, it was way warp-er. If there was such a sweet word. You see, I had this strange idea that I could make bargains and transactions with God. I used to pray to Him, pleading till the cows went home that if I did not get caught by mum playing archade games while playing truant at tuition I'd be such a sweet pea and do my homework properly and turn into the widest eyed angel ever. Didn't work. I never turned into an angel, nor did my homework. I got caught and flogged mercilessly by mum, the lawmaker and thrown into mummy-hell. In mummy-hell, a prison where I frequented largely, I was often on death row. In fact I must have had died so many times in that lonely prison, I forgot to ask why my brother almost never got to be an inmate. I was getting too lonely being imprisoned!

Actually, when I used to pray in the past for protection I always made a strange bargain with God. I asked Him to please bless an area of my life and in return I would give up something. I remember how I asked God to please save mum when I was 8 and she had breast cancer.

"Make her better God" I had feverishly prayed. And in return I was willing to exchange whatever years I had in front of me to be "transferred" to mum. I prayed a similar prayer years later when somebody I loved had an accident on the road. I was in such shock. I only knew I was so frantic my prayer was roughly the same.

I was making a bargain with God again, always using my life like some kind of transaction. It never dawned upon me that God wasn't interested in shortening my life but He was just wanting to bless me. It never dawned on me that I did not have to exchange anything to be blessed.

That was why for years, whenever something good happened to me, I wondered what I had to give up to enjoy the "goodness". I believed in my imbecile way that I deserved good only because I was going to lose something somehow.

How lovely to know I had such a warped mind and it is all over. I'm only really living it up naturally for the first time.

Well now that I'm all peaches and cream, maybe all my poetry will turn bubbly and happy as a lark sorta genre. I'd be sugar and spice and all things nice!

Alright, and then again maybe not. Since you know I'm not one to mask acidity. Oh come on, you gotta let a girl throw her sacarsm bountifully even if she doesn't throw her weight around!

That day a few years ago in LA when the boy I went out with got into a bit of an accident on the road, he rung me up ( I was in LA too) and said he JUST got into an accident and was getting all dizzy. And later he told me he lost consciousness for a little while. What he did not know then was my heart almost stopped. Actually I think it did. That's why I'm operating on this HEART-l-e-s-s level now and then. I was so afraid he would turn into a vegetating cyborg or Ultraman. Anyway, I was really afraid I'd have lost him then, I told God I'd rather it was me and thereby made the same sick bargained prayer. If he was alright, dear God, I had charged, I was willling to sever my life or even whatever happiness I was supposed to enjoy in the later years of my life.

That was one crazy feather brain I had. Life was not a transaction and God wasn't a loan shark. I was psychologically shortchanging myself before I had really ever lived. I am glad that the inherent lack of selfworth causing all the weird ideas I had was gone. Truly when you've really experienced such genuine happiness and peace, suddenly, you feel, wow, I do have alot.

Therefore I've learnt to pray properly now. God is healing mum of her cancers and her weak heart and I don't have to think crazily to absorb her illnesses for her to get well. How mistaken I was to think God is so weak to demand something from me.:)

over 12 years ago 0 likes  5 comments  0 shares
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Hi Lydia.. I found your blog very interesting.. lol.. But I dont think you had a warped mind as a child.. Growing up, even though my parents told me I can choose which ever religion best suits me, i thought i had to have one regardless.. And the only one I knew of was Christian.. The way I viewed that was, be a good girl and you go to heaven.. (nowadays Im a freelancer, I have no religion)... So I always did my best being a good girl.. And I prayed to the guy to... In very much the same ways that you did.. I cant remember if I ever bargained my life (anythings possible), but maybe i thought the same way you did.. The way I saw it, was theres this man in the clouds.. and he watches you.. if he sees your being a good child, and honest.. he will possibly answer your prayers.. and I often said I would do something in return for my prayers.. I cant remember what it is that i asked (i often asked to keep my family safe), but i remember i said that in return I will go to church every Sunday.. And promise not to fall asleep.. (i did all the time)... Like many children do at a younge age, they dont like being seperated from parents.. I didnt like it when my mum left for work in the mornings.. she would have to drive in bad weather.. and she worked either 8-12hr shifts.. she'd come home really tired.. and she'd be working with dangerous machinery.. I would often worry about her safety.. and felt it was a very long wait until i got to see her again.. So every morning (at like 4:30) after I gave her a hug and kiss goodbye, I would go to bed and often pray my heart out for Him to keep her safe.. I think it went a lil something like this, 'Pkease God, if your really there, if your real.. Please keep my mother safe whenever she's in danger.. etc, etc..' But eventually, I got use to it.. and soon i didnt worry about my mother anymore.. I dont pray anymore.. but thats only simply bcuz i have different views.. but that doesnt matter.. lol So I just wanted to say, that your mind wasnt warped.. you were only a child, and you were praying alot in need of others.. it wasnt weird how you did it.. you just resorted to what you may have known best.. maybe the only thing that you had available, to hopefully make a difference in the lives of your loved ones. .. I can totally understand where your coming from.. Take Care*
over 12 years ago
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This is a very refreshing blog Lydia...something that you can easily insert in a bestseller non-religion book even. I was raised with a mix religion background, Christian, Catholic, Buddhism and I like to think that there are many God. I try to be a good person to the best way I know how doesn't matter what religion that might fall under and keeping my religion belief as open as I can. I go to church for Christmas, temple for Chinese new year and I don't bargain most of my life, I was trained to accept my destiny with no room for question. Sad isn't it? I read your blogs and many others and I appreciate them all but I hope you understand that sometime I don't make deep conversation when come to religion, something I still clueless myself. I too believe that God doesn't have the time of the day to fulfill my needs and there are others that need his attention much much more....
over 12 years ago
Redgate profile
Well said girl! I liked your line: "Life was not a transaction and God wasn't a loan shark." How easy it is to think that we have to earn God's favor, I've struggled with it a lot. I know now that God accepted and saved me just as I was/am/will-be because of His unmerited favor by Jesus Christ. I can't earn it, I don't deserve, and just get to receive. How truly loved we are! I loved your blog and how much you sparkle :) HUGS!
over 12 years ago
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Strange thing Lydia .. I USED to think the same way .. no more bargaining now .. just thanking God for each and every day :)
over 12 years ago
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Thank you for sharing your reflections and wisdom.
over 12 years ago


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