a prayer to God

Dear God

I have been feeling out of sorts lately,sick as usual and very vulnerable. I think I try very hard to recover from my depressive ways but I am too often too tempted to fall into the trap of my own emotional abyss. I hate wallowing and grovelling in melancholy and yet I am my worse nemesis. The me, I stare in the mirror is a reflection of the me I despise. I am Public Enemy no.1 and desperately in need of anger management. I don't see myself getting angry much but I implode and explode all over alone at home. I stare at the four walls and my vacant eyes eteched deeply into my skull are hollow caves into the deep dark wells of wrath. Like grapes,they spring into multiple vineyards with branches that embrace the fiery flames of fury. I am almost Anger personified. It amazes me how I can contain the waves of crimson tide that threatens to spill into my conscious 'other'. It usually reflects events of the treacherous past that keeps coming back to haunt me so much. I try to let go only to realise I have fallen in love with anger that I have unwittingly exchanged marriage vows in this unholy matrimony. I wish I can be like a carefree skylark that flits by merrily in the sky. I often hear myself mutter the familiar line from Forrest Gump,'Dear God pls make me a bird,so I can fly far far away.'

When I ask myself what I am so upset about,I find myself speechless.When my close friends ask me what is wrong I say 'nothing' not because I was doing a female unscrīpted dialogue with hidden meanings but because I really don't know why the pinnacle of my emotions confuses and confounds me to this point of saturation. I am like those crystals U gather after conducting a chemical experiment to saturation point at the highest temperature.I realise there is something very wrong with me because I seem to be unable to let go and things that are vaguely familiar or trigger a similar event from the past which had hurt me or caused me distress. I am so horrified at how almost insane I have become and even though I am supposed to be a young person with energy raring to go at this age,I feel withered and jaded like a dying 80 year old lady.

Dear God,if only I could stop feeling sick and if only You would so forgive my excessiveness and allow me to be humble and teachable. If only You would allow me to turn the other cheek every now and then and not be stupidly slapped both times only to fall on my knees in agony and be at the mercy of people's scorn. Dear God,my anger with the country I was born in has mainly to do with the rumours that hurt me. Please help me to be a bigger person and not think vengeance only to be weak when I see those that had hurt me before and cowardly run off to hide but seethe in anger when I am playing the piano. You gave me the ability to write, and I should churn notes of beauty of solace of sweetness,not anger and bitterness that echo the Black Sea where not a fish roam nor swim gracefully in. I know I am made to love because I love to love and part of me enjoys that emotion so much that when others treat me well, I give back 10 times more in gratitude. Yet the memories of the past trail me in my nightmares, they stalk me in my fears and I cry,cry,cry in my insomnia like a noosed victim who releases a last gasp of sheer pain without closure as she departs from this world.I also would like to adhere and draw myself closer to more cheery and bright inferences even if I am mostly attracted to dark authors like Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf. I know,if I keep going on like this in this estranged crazed mind, one day my physical pain and emotional pain will drive me to cross the line and I am blurring the borders everyday as this struggle entangles me.I am so imploded I give myself the excuse and wish dark curses on myself when my physical pain takes over. The seizures,the pain my my body are like boils that rear their ugly heads when they reach saturation point. I should not like to explode in an oven nor walk into a river with my pocket full of stones only to sadly proclaim I have had enough with this world. I know that I think alot and sometimes my mind is so wickedly tired from racing I age,age,age like an ancient soul that breathes cynical sarcasm so much so that I have almost forgotten how I love to laugh so much. Dear God,I love mum and my brother and my wonderful group of best friends who love and care for me. Please help me to be able to let go and give myself 100000 chances to forgive myself and fall out of love with anger and loathe. I shall only float lightly like a cherubic infant in pure childlike wonder and amaze myself again at the beauty of life. In Jesus's name, Amen.