Official Artist
Kristina Wong
Actor , Comedian , Author
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OPEN HOUSE #6: Homeowning has Killed My Libido

It's quite possible that any desire to love or get closer to another human being has been completely obliterated for the next 30 years-- the amount of time I have left to pay off my mortgage.

It's been a while since this little cat lady has gone on a date. And last night I found myself invited (thankyouverymuch) out to dinner and a show. He's a totally cute fella and we get along enough. And he even pulls up in his shiny new convertible with the top down to pick me up. He asked how I was doing, was super attentive and caring, and all I could talk about was my condo. How I was going to orchestrate this move. How I didn't know what furniture to get. How I wanted to steam clean the carpets and bleach the toilets as soon as I get my keys on Wednesday. You know, real sexy talk.

He'd reach for my hand, I'd squeeze it back. But all I could really think as I looked into his eyes was: "I wonder if I'd get more renters for the second bedroom if I lowered the rental price $10 and included utilities in the price of rent..."

We had an hour to kill before dinner and the show. He asked, "What do you want to do Kristina?" probably anticipating some kind of romantic response like a walk in the park or a stop for wine at a bar.

I screamed, "I want to go to the Mattress Superstore! No! No! Bed Bath and Beyond!!! I need to look at duvet covers!"

Yes, I was serious.

On Saturday night, my recently divorced friend had a bunch of women over at her place for a pool party. I hadn't hung out with a bunch of women like that in god knows how long. We were like a non-profit women of color version of Sex and the City, with more cat hair. We were talking about how owning a home and being financially independent totally makes you look at dating differently:
What's the point of dating anyone if you have your own condo? And what self-respecting homeowner dates a renter?

That's right, I'm turning into a homeowning snob! With no libido. Who instead of being obsessed with love is now obsessed with carpet cleaners. Hot.

Today, I go to the mortgage office and drop off a check for a large amount of money. Please pray that check does not whip out of my hands into the sky on the way to there. Wednesday, I pick up the keys. And at that point, I finally unite with my soulmate for eternity-- a 2bedroom+2 ba+loft condo in Koreatown.

It'll be true love.

about 11 years ago 0 likes  1 comments  0 shares
"We were like a non-profit women of color version of Sex and the City." GREAT!!
about 11 years ago


What a somber name for a site. Death? Yeeks!

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