“you are perfect the way you are”

my friend and i talked tonight. i love and hate talking to him –  i feel like he keeps me focused and grounded, but for some reason, he also makes me feel mentally inadquate. i know that’s just me being insecure, but i am constantly inspired and admirable of him… he is beautiful, educated, and giving.

this week was life changing — the circumstances of what i considered home, has changed forever. i had to be a pillar for the people who have fallen deep in the abyss of their problems. i had to help through the fire… to comfort and reassure my love, and to be strong. this experience and my new revelation made me feel like  i grew into a real adult. i looked at how far ive come, and i felt good.i wouldn’t have been able to do it alone, so thank you for all those who helped me through this.

this week i was able to look at myself and realize how strong i actually am. in my mind, after everything ive been though, i realized that i strive to not become narrow-minded and judgemental. i could have easily played the victim card, but i chose not to. i felt empowered, but unfortunetly, i looked down on some people who havent had my epiphany. i believe those who dwell and play the ‘victim card’ are immature and weak.  pride or narcissism? im still debating.

but then i talked to my friend tonight and he threw me an entirely different perspective: “you are perfect the way you are.” it was funny because it was very… optimistic nietzche. he said something on the lines of, who you are wont change… you chose your own paths, and make things mean different things to you. people love to romanticize their own misery…they may say hurtful things, but do they really mean it? or are they insecure? what are people really trying to say? will you let it effect you? people are obsessed about getting better, fixing things, fixing themselves, when in reality nothing is broken. people should just try to be happy.

my friend and i grew up together (we were each others’ first loves) so i don’t have to explain what happened to me. as i talked about my past, i cried. it still hurt even after ten years. he pointed out.. not to say that those things that happened to me were not awful.. but you chose to let those things hurt you. “there is so much pain,” he acknowledged, “you can chose to let it mean nothing…to forgive it and move on…” that you cant on rely on forgiving the person who hurt you and to take intitive. i realized that i wanted to be validated for not using the ‘victim card’ … as if i earned a cookie because i dont blame society’s blunders on the opposite sex. i dont like the way i look down on people who are petty, though im not going to lie, it still irks me. i still think it shows signs of insecurity and weakness… just like excuses. im right, and if im not right and successful, there has to be an excuse, because i can never fail.

i said to him… “so just to sum things up… the core of who we are, are like popcicle sticks.. what we are in the inside doesnt change, but we chose to be what flavors to be. you can chose to be cherry, but being obsessive, you think cherry is wrong and needs to be fixed into strawberry. but then strawberry isnt right, you need to fix yourself to become coconut… we just need to realize that we shouldnt have to fix anything.. we can chill and be cherry… just be and be happy.

(for the record, i would probably be a pina colada flavored.)

things became much clearer. in my mind, i was always striving to be a better person, and i listened to what others said.. they told me where and why i was wrong and how to fix it… i thought i was evolving… naturally because thats what we should do… i began to realize that, according to his theory, im not evolving, im  more comfortable in my own skin. that is the lesson about ourselves in the most and least narcissistic way of saying it… you are perfect the way you are. but because you are perfect, there is nothing to fix. strive to be happy and to work on things that are bigger than you.

and that is the lesson for the day

and today for your random viewing pleasure: a leaf i found in the shape of a heart. how cute…