Movie Review: Young Detective Dee: Rise of the Sea Dragon (狄仁杰之神都龙王)

They were gonna call itPirates of the South China Sea , but then people in China would think it’s about Japanese people.

2010’s  Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame, directed by Tsui Hark and starring Andy Lau, was a big, fun movie that I enjoyed im mensely.

So when they announced that a prequel was being made, I got a bit nervous. Even when I found out Tsui Hark was directing it, I still had my reservations.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last few years of watching movies, it’s that I need to drop my expectations as low as I can. I don’t particularly like doing it, but the alternative is just unbearable.

There’s nothing like looking forward to something you think you’re going to see and then seeing something very different that you have to struggle to still like.

You know, like that scene in The Crying Game.

Jesus, how did we get here?

I watched this film as a matinee and in the 2D version. I did it because I wanted to get the review done as soon as I could, and, to be honest, the 2D version I watched at the Dynasty was less than half the ticket price than a 3D viewing.

Go ahead, call me cheap. Like I give a f@#$.

It’s very interesting and educational to watch a 3D movie outside of its intended setting.

I don’t much care for 3D. No serious dramatic film would ever need or use 3D. It’s strictly a visual ploy to draw in viewers with what amounts to a cinematic magic trick.

It is painfully obvious just how much of Young Detective Dee: Rise of the Sea Dragon (狄仁杰之神都龙王) is designed to impress you with 3D.

Numerous shots serve no other purpose than to indulge in 3D ‘wowery.’

Zang!

They make no narrative or even logical contribution whatsoever. They’re just there for you to go “ooooh, ahhhh…”

But that’s really the whole movie in a nutshell. 

Young Detective Dee: Rise of the Sea Dragon (狄仁杰之神都龙王) is a prequel that attempts to illustrate the early life of the character first embodied by Andy Lau.

A Chinese fleet gets destroyed by a mysterious force. Or is it a creature?

Detective Dee gets out of jail and needs a job. 

But he can read lips and he knows everything.

So he discovers a plot.

I think.

Angelababy writhes around with a bare midriff on her way to house arrest.

But it’s shot from much too far away. 

Dammit.

She gets sent to a temple where she wears altogether too much clothing.

There’s an evil plot to overthrow the government. And the people speak a language that’s very similar to Japanese.

And they are evil.

Oh yawn.

But don’t worry, Young Detective Dee: Rise of the Sea Dragon (狄仁杰之神都龙王) is a love story.

No, really.

Andy Lau doesn’t appear in  Young Detective Dee: Rise of the Sea Dragon (狄仁杰之神都龙王).

Though he probably asked to play the role of his younger self.

Carina Lau does return, and it was fun to watch her. 

I can’t really find fault with the other actors. They do an alright job.

Well, Angelababy isn’t very impressive.

Especially with her navel covered.

Frankly, it was hard to focus on the acting since it was so sparsely distributed between tedious action scenes; there’s so much extra stuff going on all the time that I was just exhausted. 

Unfortunately, the film is such a chronic barrage of literal and figurative noise that after a while I just tuned out.

It doesn’t help that the story goes through so many twists and turns I felt like I needed an airsickness bag.

Who knows? Maybe there’s a subtext in there.

I mean other than the anti-Japanese one and Dee’s sidekick being a smart-but loyal Uighur.

Because Uighurs love being Chinese.

And we’ll f@#$ing kill them if they don’t #HackedByTheCCP

In my very informal poll, it seems a lot of people in Hong Kong feel that his movie is made for China and they have no intention of watching it.

Sadly, I have to say that I agree.