Movie Review: The Stolen Years/被偷走的那五年

A couple gets married. They’re happy.

So happy they’re kissing on a moped.

And then they get hit by a truck.

When the woman wakes up, it’s five years later. And she’s not waking up from the first accident.

She’s had another one. 

And she can’t remember sh*t.

She discovers that she’s divorced.

So she goes to her ex’s house and asks him to move in.

He says yes.

Which proves he has a f@#$ing head injury too.

She sets out to win his heart back from his nasty girlfriend.

Just like A Wedding Invitation.

Which stars the same f@#$ing actress.

She starts to piece her life back together.

Turns out she was a b*tch.

At home and at work.

But so what? 

These two brain-challenged mopes rekindle their love.

Just like The Vow.

Oh sh*t, white people.

He proposes to her. Just like in this YouTube video.And believe me, I do mean just like:

But wait. She’s forgetful. She can’t remember things.

They see a doctor…

Turns out the accident-

First or second? Who f@#$ing knows?

Has given her Alzheimer’s disease. 

But she’s so young and they’re so in love! 

And there’s no cure!

Siri: “Sorry, there is no cure for Alzheimers. You’re f@#$ed.”

How can Alzheimers be so cruel?

Ask A Moment to Remember.

It’s the same f@#$ing story.

But wait! She can have an operation that will either cure her or paralyze her.

Because A) Sure they have operations to fix Alzheimers.

It saved my grandmother’s and my uncle’s life.

Oh wait. It didn’t.

Because they don’t have operations for Alzheimers disease.

But to find that out, you’d have to search medically intimidating websites.

Like f@#$ing Wikipedia.

And since it’s made up, an operation for Alzheimer’s can totally involve the part of the brain that would paralyze you if you hacked a big chunk out of it.

Which in real life is like an appendectomy threatening a leg.

Because who gives a sh*t about plausibility when all you really want to do is cheaply manipulate the audience?

So is she cured or paralyzed?

Guess which one happens?

Don’t bother.

You know what happens.

“You dumb b*tch, you just asked me that question…”

But the operation does appear to cure her Alzheimers, because she doesn’t seem so forgetful as a quadriplegic.

Or the scrīptwriter f@#$ed up. You be the judge.

She starts a slow decline, testing not only her ex-but-nearly-second-husband’s love, but the audience’s patience as well.

Because we’ve blown past the 90-minute mark on our way to two f@#$ing hours.

She’s not getting better, she’s getting worse.

She doesn’t want to live this way, and she doesn’t want to be a burden.

Like The Stolen Years…

She asks her ex-but-nearly-second-husband to do something for her.

What is it?

Watch Million Dollar Baby.

It’s the same Godd@mn thing.

And I do mean the same.

What a load of sh*t.

Stolen years? This stupid f@#$ing movie stole two hours of my life.

I’m never watching a Barbara Wong movie again.

Tearjerking horsesh*t.

Jerk this.