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James Z. Feng * official artist

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Bittersweet -Part II: Jamie

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Okay, at this point I'm thinking you're thinking I'm like a crazy/fan stalker or something. Posting long comments on your entry. But hey, don't blame me that you're a good writer and I love to read. The story about Benny & Jamie, and everything I have read thus far all revolves around some universal theme...our need to feel loved, wanted, validated, justified, praised, .....and you can fill in the blank for the rest. In many ways I can relate to Benny. My hometown is actually NYC, and I went to NYU and studied English & Creative Writing. I grew up in a wealthy family, with a mother that is a public figure and with relatives that are celebrities I never knew how to tie my shoelace, peel my own orange, take my own shower or even carry my own book bag till I was 11. My birth father past away when I was 6. My mom was really busy and I hardly see her. So I was raised by my maids, chauffeur, grandma, aunts and uncles. I remember one time when my mom try to hug me, I started to cry, coz I didn't even recognize her. My closest friends were always my maids. Like Benny, I grew up a spoiled brat. Many people that are my friends now tells me that when they first met me, they thought I was a stuck up $@!#%. But after they know me, they're like, oh my gosh, you're so friendly and dorky! haha! But I do feel some of them are my friends just because of my family background, but I don't mind being used by them coz if it makes them feel better and if they can get something out of it, I'm not losing a chunk of meat off me. So it's fine. I also don't mind paying for things and getting them into VIP events, because when I see how happy they get, I'm happy, however superficial that is. I'm a very sensitive person. I usually can see right through a person. But I never say anything about it. I know the boundaries. If they cross it, then I'll cross them out. The older I get, the less friends I have. My world becomes smaller and smaller. I often feel very lonely but I'm not gonna go out and party my days away like before and come back home with dozens of biz cards and numbers on my cell I don't even recognize. Yeah, I've got lots of friends back then, but that's all they're good for. Partying. I have maybe three friends I consider my best friends with whom I can speak heart to heart with. But they're all half a world away. Sorry for deviating. As I was saying, the older I get, the more hollow I feel. Thank God I found God and I am able to deal with some major existential issues, like Benny is/was dealing with. I can also relate to Jamie growing up without a father figure in her life (I can even relate to how she lost her virginity). I think subconsciously I was and/ is still looking for a man to replace my birth father. My step-father was not exactly the ideal father anyone wants to have. Lets just say, a big part of why I got bipolar disorder is due to the abusive environment I grew up in, after my mom got remarried. My hopes and dreams are quite similar to Jamie's. I actually wanted to be an actor and eventually a film director, but as far as I can remember, I was groomed to take over my mom's business, whether I want to or not. But there's one thing I'll never let got of, no matter how the world tries to take it away; it is that child within. I will never let go of her. She still dreams and believes in the impossible. I remember very clearly a quote I read one day while taking the subway to school. It reads "It is never too late to be what you could have been." I can never forget that. I need that quote to believe all my dreams can still come true despite my illness, my abusive past, and my current career burden. In my free time, I will secretly dance, act and sing in my bedroom...creating my own story lines and playing different roles, and composing music to go along with it. It is a part of me I will never let go. This is my happy place. I have drawn a circle around it, and no one's allowed in unless they're willing to dream with me. Well, enough said.......thanks for sharing Jamie and Benny's story...brought back a lot of memories, good and bad, and how the past influence who we are today. Sincerely, Debora
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James Z. Feng * official artist

Actor, Director, Screenwriter


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Favorite Tv Shows Simpsons, Jamie Foxx Show, Forensic Files, SPORTSCENTER(boy do I miss that),
School UC San Diego class of 06- International Studies in
Favorite Movies Braveheart, Ching gu(friend), A Scene at the sea(Kitano), Yi Yi (Edward Yang), Training day (love Denzel),
Job Actor/Writer/Director/Rapper