a relapse into darker territories.

i'm not too certain why i'm overly obsessed with analyzing my past. i just keep writing and writing.. from narratives to poems to editorials, monologues, songs.. even rap [don't laugh]. each time i write i feel like i'm trying to right a wrong. and i figure eventually after forcing myself to relive my problems over and over again.. that maybe somehow it will all make perfect sense whereby i will let go of it all..

and just be me again.

i know that the entirety of my disorientation can't be placed on my family issues.. i'm aware that many people my age go through this feeling of a loss of innocence.. this whole becoming an adult thing.. maybe by me continuing to deal with this problem i can save whatever's left of my childhood.. because i never really felt like i got to finish.

i didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to everything. and ever since that moment i've been running away. physically, mentally. in high school i couldn't leave but i would always imagine myself disappearing.. i mean at the time i didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. i always locked myself in my room and just sang.. it kept me busy and my mind away from my crippling reality.. and i didn't eat.. i got so skinny.. i just wanted to disappear..

it's kind of like that feeling when you're there, in the middle of the room, with everyone surrounding you, and the whole world is just going.. moving on, while you alone are just stuck kneeling there.. frozen.

goddammit i was in MOURNING. i was mourning. i mean i lost my mom.. my whole family. was it really that hard to understand?? i didn't choose for it to happen. and how do you even begin to deal with losing your entire world? they broke apart my family. it was all that mattered to me at the time..

i guess it's still the only thing that matters to me.

and now i'm here in taipei, taiwan. an entirely different country. i wish you could just understand how far away from home this is for me. i mean i look around me and the familiar warm sun set in breathably clear blue skies shining upon luscious vegetation and welcoming faces..suddenly turned into hostile streets, foreign faces, and this heavy layer of pollution that just sets upon you.. and you just get this empty feeling inside.god i miss home.

it's been so long.

after high school, i went to los angeles, california. i was about to go to the university of maryland but as i was trying to force myself to face that reality, i just broke down. the thought of another four years trapped in this forsaken place.. just riddled with wonderfully delightful memories spattered in bitterness and hatred, it broke me.

so i left.

and similarly to high school, i put on my mask. i didn't want anyone to know what was wrong with me. because if they knew, then it would be true. yes an escape, it's cowardly i know. but it was how i survived. pretending everything was okay.. while choking in this whole expanse of emptiness that surrounded me.

i still feel it now and then. sometimes i wonder if i'm really okay or if i've just gotten too good at forgetting. regardless.. the pain still exists.

after all this time.

after all of this so-called progress i've made.

maybe it's because i'm just too weak. have depressive tendencies? maybe its because i've always been overly sensitive. i don't know, i don't know why i am this way or why it still hurts me and why i'm not over it yet. and moreso i don't know why people are so frustrated with me. why people treat me like i choose to be this way.

and then people wonder why i always stay at a distance.

i guess taiwan is far enough for now.