What is Love, Anyway?

There is so much that I don’t know how to put into words. So many emotions & turmoils that are running through my heart & mind helter-skelter in an unintelligible manner. And I can’t differentiate different emotions, different thoughts anymore.

I don’t know why I always let my emotions get the better of me. Perhaps it’s due to the nature of my job, that I always have to be open to every single emotion and let it bubble to the surface. But in my personal life, I really want to stop that from happening. I want to close myself up like some people can do, and just not feel anything. But I can’t. I’m an emotional person, and I hate it.

letting out a deep breath

In this past year, I’ve done things which are terribly wrong and which has hurt other people. And I feel sorry for it, but “sorry” in itself doesn’t mean anything. I don’t know how to explain being caught between. I don’t know how to explain love. Because today, I really don’t know what love is.

Love is patient and kind.

Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.

It does not demand its own way.

It is not irritable,

and it keeps no record of being wronged.

It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful,

and endures through every circumstance.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NLT)

 

I’ve been thinking about something for the past one year. For the past 6 months, I’ve tried to shut it up & subdue it, doing what others expect me to do. But yesterday, I made a decision to speak & finally, I discovered some truths.

In return, I went through a fresh wave of pain & heartache, all deeply deserved. 6 months ago, I closed the door in the belief that it would be better, but I did so in a rash & impetuous manner, never giving thought to my feelings or the feelings of another. Yesterday, I recalled why I had closed that door. And when it was re-opened, I was hit with the pain yet again.

But it was good. It opened my eyes. All these months, I’ve held on to something so dearly which I think I should finally let go. Because I am not living out love as God meant it to be in 1 Cor 13. I was totally, utterly wrong. And I’m broken because of it. 

At the end of the day, when all I get are  “I don’t know”s &  “I don’t care”s, it begins to hurt inside. 

But what doesn’t kill me, just makes me stronger.

Now I will just focus on the situation I am in. Make a decision to stay or leave, without giving thought to that closed door. Because it will probably be closed forever. Now, it is time for me to face truth & reality by myself, for my life.

I tried to face reality so many months ago, always believing I had someone to run to at the end of the day. But now, even when it is just me & God, I can face up to reality and make a decision, and stick to it.

And I can love again. Even when I’ve been hurt & hurt others so many times. I can love again.   “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful , and endures through every circumstance.”