Love & Hate

I honestly think I’m too nice to be in this business.

Too nice, too naive, too “innocent”, too easygoing. No idea how to shamelessly advertise myself. No idea how to bootlick & savvy my way through life. Too blur, too trusting.

Acting is all about networking - knowing the right people to get you places. Getting people to remember you in a favourable manner, so they can hook you up with the higher-ups in this industry. On one hand, that means no tantrum-throwing, bitching or complaining. On the other hand, it means I cannot be a doormat either.

I need to make a stand. I need to change.

It’s 5:45 a.m. & I just came home from an overnight shoot. I think I have a nicotine overdose, and the smoke is still clogged in my nose. ahhh choooo! Today was fun though. I was supposed to have 2 shoots & 1 audition today. I can be a migrant worker in the morning, an Indonesian wife in the afternoon, and then a prostitute at night. Except I skipped the Indonesian wife part, ‘cos my audition was postponed.

Nevertheless, that’s why I love my life. Escapism? Perhaps. I just love leading different lives.

I’m constantly judging & criticizing myself though. I never feel like I’m good enough, or “as good” as the others I work with. Constantly feeling overshadowed. I need to improve, and fast!

It’s a tough job. Putting myself up there for everyone to watch, to judge, to criticize. Feeling almost naked before the audience, stripped of all my defenses. Emotions & actions all on show.

I detest that feeling of vulnerability. But at the same time, I like that people watch me.

Acting is definitely a life of contradictions. Ups and downs. Victories and disappointments. Love and hate. Anger and sorrow. Happiness and sadness. Pain and pleasure.

Oddly enough, I still love it.