so "mister hai" came to town and we were couped up in the studio recording his new song , fiendish night to day , day to night fussing over guitar , lyrics and tears . in memory it was ... a tribute , an honor , a story spun in verses , notes and music scores for his late grandpa dear.made me curl up to wonder if i felt his pain or my own ,echoed through buffered walls .. and the walls , the walls of those wet cheeks flustered with emotion . never one to cry easily, the cigar smoke of that closeted room veiled my fragile vulnerable self as i pictured vividly in my mind ,every scene his words made out to me, smouldering away like the hot crimson ash on his fiery lit cigar ,drawing at his own pace , deep hypnotic breaths and slowly , slowly wasting its glorious existance into pale withering ambers and finally ...into dust ... 

and all that remains ,is a hinted scent of his lingering existance ...

 i'm proud of you my friend for doing this song for your dearest grandpa and kudos to the funny team i got to meet along the way . capricorns , sagis , "teng teng teng" ,sure make merry ; )

sigh .

so i wrote this. a while back . for...

-

daddy

     the broken window that the wind seeps through,
the cold that shivers the bone.
the familiarity that cobwebs like an antique never sold ,
he grows old.
and the drift remains.
the distance that sloughed with time only grates at emotions not mine,
an anchored lock that drags the soul ,
the gravity pull that sags the bruised .
i sloth , just like him .
i expect , my perfectionistic similarity .
break the chains ,
wipe off the rust .
swipe the card,
pay off thy dues.
what can be reversed of time that paused to yield
no fucking fruits that served for wastage spilled
wait for me , don't just go
heal my pain , make me grow ....

       i'd miss you ...  

so its april fool's .lies lies lies!!! everyone's either quit or wants a tranny fanny . strangely enough . my contract actually ends today (truth)... i don't quite know what to make out of it . i'm still trying to decide if the joke's on them or me .my amputated arm refuses to sign on the dotted line...if only i could just connect the dots . things might seem so much clearer . perhaps a trip to somewhere far away would be good to untangle the intricate knot i've tied , which is fast looking more like a tight noose than me dancing footloose with booze vamoose.

 and more than anything .... a trip i would really fancy ,

is someone falling ,falling... deeply .... into me .

-

featured falcon of restless thoughts .
 wings spread out , my mind contorts.
feathered boas a distracting lot.
stains my mind, the blackest blot
.take flight , take flight ,from the nestled rot .
let it brew thicker , the pointless plot.
soar through the skies , take claim the cries . cover your eyes and feel the highs ...
never again .should i breathe in lies

-

decisions , decisions ,decisions .

so here i sit , contract in hand . wondering what new loops of fire i need to jump through in the circus of life .

should i attempt the next yogini pretzel conformist ,contortionist acclaim or take that blind leap of faith into the deep beyond ? work wise... i'm stuck in a rut .to play the safe route versus being the vigilant voyager.  my pen's not willing to budge . the only thing that's fluid is the memory of mr enigma doctor dear , whom in my mind ... is like fresh ink still drying...

and in time ...he will be etched onto my mind ,

indelible.

close your eyes and hold my hand .

let's elope .

-

so they leave . on wings of steel and a plastic meal

buckled safely . emotions defying gravity

mileage rolling high , head swung ,low in sigh

a few songs play on loop in my mind as the clock slowly creeps its way into the dawn where a hint of citrus orange tries to spill light into the grey  .

songs: leaving on a jetplane by mazzy star

make it with you by olivia

somebody by depeche mode (the lyrics say it all!)

fix you by coldplay

kids grew up with fairy tales and story books . my mom used to read me songs from my dad's guitar chord books (which earns me a badge for being an old soul.i know them all) so yes ,leaving on a jetplane was a song in the book that always spoke to me . it made my little fragile innocent heart shudder in fear for someone leaving me and the oceans coming  between us to drown out our love (which reminds me of another song , ben lee's birthday song ..lyrics go .."there's an ocean between us, just like me , deep and blue", )

 strangely enough ,its been my anthem ever since . and sealed my sorry fate for long distance relationships and falling , falling deeply for the one....the one who's always in transit ...

so i sit here , in my room , trying to digest the weekend that has fast whizzed by me , flashes of moments manifesting before me like a fire dancer fast with fiery feisty fury .

would it illuminate or scorch? perhaps i'd never quite know .

but i do thank the weekend "doctor" who nursed me back into health with his tender loving care and divine attention ,for the secret glances and stairway doses of tongue tingling meds, for inspiring me with his striking stories ,accolades, travels and philosophies ...

you are my luminary .

and we're more similar than you'd ever like to believe.

~22.24.50.34~

a luminary who featured for a week,
a soul i rented while so meek .
for now a vacant lullaby,
to which alone i must get by.
the curtains drawn,
a memory worn.
silenced smile i'll wear a while

-

“friends applaud the comedy is over “ -last words of beethoven .

and with that, the good times come to an end . woke up, still hung over from the green bottle . head feeling like the revolution of the jackhammers is taking place,as they stage a coup against my mental faculties . flee them all .