Back from Burnaby
Thursday, Jun 21, 2007 4:48AM / Standard Entry
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I just got back from Beautiful British Columbia on Tuesday night and it's now almost 5am Thursday morning. Yes, I'm a little jet lagged. It was such a great holiday, as it usually is. I feel everything one is supposed to feel after a holiday, rested, rejuvenated and most importantly inspired to get back into things.
I left home to go to school in Toronto for my last two years of high school. So i was fifteen at the time, and although I thought I couldn't wait to get out of the house and embrace my independence, I remember the second I left my family at the gate I started bawling my eyes out. Too late to go back! So off I went to endeavour on becoming a ballerina at the National Ballet School. That experience I would not take back for the world, but at the same time I really believe it traumatized me in some way. I think I am such a little mommy and daddy's girl that part of me was just not ready to leave home that soon. I know people do it all the time, and especially at the National there are kids who left home at ten or eleven! I guess I had it too good at home, cause I have been homesick ever since that time at the gate. Even here in Hong Kong, I've suffered numerous bouts of homesickness, however I am happy to report, despite my skepticism on ever recovering, it has improved!
I've come up with a technique so to speak on how to cope with painful goodbyes. I've been testing it out and more and more it has proven to help. When I say a long-term goodbye to someone, most often what immediately flashes to my head is when will I see this person next? or oh my gosh what if I never see this person again? That then procedes to spring upon me this surge of nostalgic-like pain and anxiety. I then start to reminisce over all the memories I experienced with that person and then come the welling tears behind the eyes and on and on it goes. The door opens and out comes the picture of me leaving the gate at fifteen. Well seeing as I work abroad, you can imagine the number of long-term goodbyes I've had and will have to make. Logically, I've decided I cannot handle this big drama anymore. It's been too painful saying goodbye to so many close friends over the years and of course family for such long periods of time. So I came up with the idea to trick my wayward mind into not opening that door. I simply don't let those first few questions enter my mind and refuse to reminisce in that moment. I instead concentrate on my current task at hand, ie. getting through security at the gate, and think about something else. It seems so simple, but really it works. It may seem cold, but it really isn't. Deep inside I know my true emotions are not cold, but they are simply still being forced back behind the door. It was so painful saying bye to my sis who is now nineteen and in her prime years for maturing into who she is. Although those tears were hard to force back, I managed to realize that her life will still go on and so will mine and even though physically we are apart, we are always connected!!
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