starting to get used to the routine of work... having to wake up early, being in wards on time before the bosses appear and all... it gets a lil tiring but i guess i shouldn't complain when my poor sis has a much harder HO life than me currently!!!

a lot of thoughts running through my mind lately~ what's out there for me? which path should i take? knowing me, i'll probably just lie back and wait for that one door to open for me again. yet i know that i'm now at a stage of life where i shouldn't just wait to be gently nudged towards a path (even though i pretty much wished that's the way to life). even God doesn't just push you along to walk that one specific path right?

and so i wonder. which doors are open and which are closed. yet i'm never good at thinking much. depresses me. and so i choose not to think.

on a lighter note, here's my hearty congratulations to my darling furbee. YOU'RE ENGAGED! oh man. it seemed just like yesterday when we were still those silly little girls telling each other about our crushes. yet i'm sincerely happy for you. deep down we all knew you'd be the first to get married. HA! you owe us one. yet it seem so strange that now my dear friend's gonna be a wife. very soon a mother. you make me feel so old m'dear. very soon we won't be able to have our girls' night because of your kids. oh man. (i can ramble on and on about this)

i wish you gals were by my side. movies on the sofa couch with midnight snacks after long days of work sounds just so tempting...

and so one week has been over. it's been okay and i know i could have done a lot better. somehow my lack of confidence makes me quite incompetent i feel.... a bigger part is that i can't bear to hurt my patients... knowing that i merely started, i really can't bear to take ABGs and bloods and setting iv drips... because i know they probably hurt when i try. and the worse is, for some, i end up poking them once or twice...

and i have very very bad memory so i forget the history of my cases... in fact i feel like my entire medical knowledge is gone.

feeling like a clerk too... a lot of clerical work..

yet i derive joy from talking to my patients. quite a few have commented that i'm very smiley. yet to be honest, i may be smiley on the surface, but it's very saddening knowing that some of them won't last very long...

and so i spend time talking to them... makes me wonder, where to draw the line? i never knew whether it's appropriate for doctors and patients to establish a bond that's more than a doctor-patient relationship. yet sometimes when they start to open up more to you and you find out more and more about them... you couldn't help but get attached to them... i dread the time when they eventually can't hold on anymore and leave... esp when after spending 5 days on the wards you just can't help but feel that tad closer to these people... they're slowly becoming part of your life...

let's pray for miracles...