just finish with my personal trainer, he said my body fat finally lowed to wut its suppose to be. n i told him da i stil didnt quit my junk food. he was impressed. but i mean im already veggitarian. i cant just quit my junk food then i probably will be eating nothing. anhyways, i told him i am almost quit drinking. i mean i aint in my clubing age anymore. he was impressed abut da too. i cant even think abut it anymore da how many pack of cig n how many bottle of chivas n how many bottle of yellow label n how many clubing nites thoes were bak to de time i was stil with ker. i dunt deny da i had sum good time da i will be willng to clean them out. coz based on wut i always believe da u got to do things suit ur age. we were teens bak then. i mean we should hv done sumthing da al teens do n i think we did pretty wel.  again da probably is de other reason da we ended it up in one month. maybe even less than one month da we did so wel in public but we got almost no time together alone. i mean for day times we were stil in classes. n for nite we were so busy to sneak out for clubing with his "gay" friends instand of stay quiet together.  i cant clearly recall when is our relationships crisis anymore. it just has been so long da i hvnt heard from him since i left. which made me almost forgot wut really happened bak then. however, i hv been always doing sum sort of analysis abut my life. which i can see da mostly its me who got a problem n just simply run aways from it. even i hv been thinking alot abut it da i should learn to solve problems by de standard way. i mean there gotta be sum sort of rule da i can simply follow when i got a problem instand of running away. plus, i cant just be al over de world, i need a place to stay no matter wut happened. like my friend said during lunch today, sumtimes when we r getting older, we will just kinda of wonder da we should hv been settled long time ago at sum certain place in sum certain way if we didnt keep running away from our unsolved problems. i did really agree with her, i mean i cant just broke up with sum one da i wasnt even sure da if i like him or no n just go from austrilia to china then to canada. how many coutry da stil left for me to run das a big uncertain. a question mark. de funny thing abut question mark is da at de bottom its a period. then i just pretend to clean de upper part of de question mark so da i ll get a period?

we have always talked abut our bar, wel, in de future da we can hv a bar together n we ll cal it our bar. not sumthing big. dunt need a pack of ppl. we play musics we like n hv our own pool table. its stil sumhow like my "american dream". probably dis s de other significant of his to my life. just coz dis is sum random guy da can share my dream with. i mean its him n just him. i used to use ky as my initial which refers ker and yeeman. i know it sounds retarded but as long i as i dunt use da word retarded so often i guess its not a so big deal anyways. we wanted de bar to be a kinda of color ribbon between brownish tea to black. with a long bar counter. wood counter top. not so bright but mirror frames on al de wals to make de whole bar sparkling sumhow. also we decided da we dunt sell any wine, coz wine makes de place kinda of formal. we dunt want anythin formal we just like to hv al bunch of regular flies. hang out and be lazy n dizzy. overal, through over through, its just a dream. none of us s in de bar. none of us s lazy or dizzy. i know even al de americans believe da american dreams can be true, even they believe da random street guy today can be de president of united state tmr, afteral, im canadian, afteral, it was a nice dream n a nice excuse to say i liked him. i mean people always say da u gotta be true to thy self, wut is true then. i think wut i was dreaming was so true da i cant deny, da i cant say it was nitemare. but look wut im doin now, police foundation, journalism, cmp, wut r these afteral. i cant even presuade myself da years after i were not goin to say da today was de nitemare n today was de regret. talk abut bak then, it wasnt da fresh anymore even i know clearly intimatly da it was sum nice lazy time. for now it just exactluy like sumthing da expired. de happy time de food de dream de everything even our smiles r like frozen n expired which can only be found in our pics n how sad da we only had one pic together. its not like he dusnt like to take pics or i m not a fan. we both love to take pics. i guess dis is de first foil of our problems. i mean there were a lot of problems bak then even we were probably just been offically together for a month or so. but our main concern gotta to be da we can only share our dreams but not our real lives. 

i think the story should just start with him, Ker Zhang, who once told me "dear sis i aint a kid anymore, ya nar..." actually i dunt. da can be a real question. wutsoever, abut him, memory had been frozen bak then for so long that i cant even believe how he turned to who he is now. anyways, he is not sum whoever da he is just attending to a random college i dunt even know de name of it in China. i think de only significant of him is just i said sumthing to him, not a promise n dramaticly happened to be de first time i seriously kept my words n he dusnt even care. wel, i dunt really care anymore either coz i guess i do let stuff go after a while. however i did care a lot bak then, its just for later. Ker, chinese, 20years old, mid height, 5 feet 5 my estimate, was attending same sernior high as i did. wel he s pretty much a normal guy, likes games, especially my games in my dumb laptop. he likes basketball, i dunt mean he do it wel, but yea, nice to give a shot anyeways. lots of "gay" friends, i guess de only reason i say gay friends is not da they r literally gay, just they r so not normal. for wut i saw, they r just sum kinda of buffoon without any personality or i should say they were acting too much n lost on de way. i duno. i dunt give judgement so often on either things or people. i mean i am really trying hard not to do so. but sumtimes it just kinda of bothering me da sum people r so lost da they seems never did know wut they want, i mean not even a single dream or anything. wel, i know its kinda of off topic. but thoes offs r probably de reason da where i am and what i end up to now. or at least one of de reasons. Ker and me, we wasnt together for long. i mean max three month, n i was kinda of gone. i was his tutor at first bak then, i mean das so long ago which i cant even recall a define time anymore. de only thing stil in mind is da his mark was a pain in de ass. not a compliment, but i think i tried pretty hard to help him. things abut de mark werent just working out like dd relations devoloped between us tho. in mind, it sum two month later after we met, it was probably sum sort of labour day vacation da we ended up together. the weirdest thing is da probably das de first day da we were offically together we were talking seriously abut wut if we broke up. i was kinda of kiding da i said i will just evaporate if so ever coz i hate de embarrassing. n i guess das wut i really did later on which is really ironic.