Blog entries

• Previous |
• Next |
• All

• Hunting down the postman

  Tuesday, May 15, 2007 4:17AM / Standard Entry / Members only
  4 comments

  So, came into work this morning and had a package to mail out from work.  Put the bad boy on the scale and was trying to figure out how much postage I should put on the thing to make sure that it would get sent as the postal rates changed today, and anything that's not flat and is over 1.5 inches thick is automatically  $0.80 minimum.  My secretary sees that I'm trying to figure things out and says "hey, why don't you gimme that and I'll see how much it is, you can figure it out on the USPS website."  I said, "Sure thing, just keep in mind that based on the old rates it's $1.35, and I heard that based on the new rates there's a $0.80 cent minimum for packages like THIS ONE which is not flat."  She replied, "OK. got it."

  I returned to my desk and proceeded to "work."  After a couple of hours, I see her come back to the back of the office where I reside, and the following exchange takes place:

  Me: "Hey, so how much was it?"

  Her: "Well, the 80 year old senile postman came by and said it was $0.58 cents. So I was retarded and put $0.58 cents on the package even though you had told me that the old rates said $1.35 and that there is a $0.80 minimum for any non-flat package based on the new rates.  I am retarded, yes."

  Me: "......you're fucking with me right?

  Her: "Nope, fity-ocho centavos baby, who cares about the whole $0.80 for the first ounce and $0.17 per additional ounce bullshit?"

  Me: ".....the package was 5 ounces"

  If this was The Su Group instead of The Udinsky Group I'd have fired her ass on the spot, but given that I was unable to do so I set out to find the postman and was determined to affix the proper postage to the package.  What follows is similar to what you have to do in those video games where you walk around talking to people and gathering info. regarding your quest (think Final Fantasy):

  1. I talk to the incompetent secretary (mistake) and she tells me that the postman goes East of Telegraph after leaving from the office.  I give her a death stare, tell her I need to go track this package down, and run off down Telegraph and make a right on Russell.  I go from Russell ALL the way down to College and don't find shit...
  2. I come back down towards Telegraph and get on Oregon and head West towards Telegraph.  At this point I was ready to go back to the office and choke a bitch, but figured that I'd finish what I started.  Wandering through the smaller side streets I find a postwoman!!!  I excitedly ask her: "Do you know the really really really old looking white dude that works around here?  Do you know where I can find him???"  She replies: "Oh yeah, him!  Ummm, he works West of Telegraph around Russell or so..." [Clue #1 baby].
  3. I run back down Russell and get East of Telegraph.  I proceed to circle the blocks for about 20-30 minutes, finding nothing but empty USPS Trucks.  At this point I called Ben to bitch to him about my incompetent secretary and my task while having him basically laugh at me for the entire phone call for having to chase down a mailman.
  4. After about 30 minutes I find another postwoman (I'm befriending them at a fast pace) named Anna Lee.  I proceed to probe her for clues: "Hey, do you know the really really really old dude that works around here?? I need to get a package back from him because my secretary put $0.58 cents on a 5 ounce package.  Anna Lee: "Oh no, that's not enough [me thinking: yeah no shit], yeah, I know the guy you're talking about"  She then proceeds to tell me the exact streets that the dude works on.  She also asks me to write down my number, address, and what the package looked like so she can tell the dude if she sees him!!!  Anna Lee, if you're reading this, I'm going to tell my USA Atty friends that you need a raise, and they'll take good care of you if you ever get sued for running someone over in your truck (I've had 2 such cases already this year).
  5. At this point, I was thinking "Jackpot!!!  I've got it narrowed down to 3 blocks, you can't hide from me old geezer."  WRONG.  I proceed to walk around for another 15 minutes not being able to find the dude.  BUT I did encounter an old dude that looke pretty scary who asked me "Are you Chinese?"  Scared that he would stab me to death if I ignored him, I said "Yes."  He then proceeded to talk to me about how he had a Chinese girlfriend when he was young, how he met her Chinese parents, how he moved to China and taught there but was  unable to learn Chinese while teaching because he was teaching in English, how he learned his Chinese after school, and how he moved back to the States not too long ago...now this is all pretty weird as I don't usually have random convos with strangers, what made this weirder was that he was saying all of this in CHINESE, and pretty damn good Chinese too...
  6. I was determined not to let the Chinese speaking Unabomber look-alike stop me.  I ask him, in Chinese and English (as I was unsure which language he was more comfortable with at this point), if he saw the postman.  Alas, he did not.  Freaking useless!!  I complimented him on his Chinese and ran.
  7. After another 5 minutes or so I FINALLY find the man of the hour at his truck on the corner of Telegraph/Russell. At this point I wanted to ask him if he worked for the League of Shadows but bit my tongue.  I told him that I needed to get a package back because I forgot to put something in there, and he found it within maybe 5 seconds and gave it back to me.

  All of this could've been easily avoided if the secretary wasn't acting like she had the mental capacity of a 3 year old.  (Hmmm...yeah, if the post office is raising rates today then it must be cheaper to mail something than it did before...I mean seriously dude, REALLY???)  But then I wouldn't have had the chance to run around Berkeley for an hour plus and meet 2 very lovely postwomen as well as a crazy ass Chinese speaking white dude.  The things I miss doing regular work in the office...

  Add a comment