Stage 535522

Tushar Ismail

On A Certain Low Inspired By A Certain Fry

  Most of the people who actually think they're the ones who care about language, the kind of absolute arse-witterers who write letters to newspapers... moaning about the confusion of disinterested and uninterested and thinking that they're terribly educated and that they really understand language, and they know the derivation of words, someone has said “less when they meant “fewer”. That's not being a guardian of language. Being a guardian of language is enjoying language and understanding it, and if people understood it for a second, the philology as it’s called, the history of it, you'd realise that language is changing all the time.
--Stephen Fry, Jonathan Ross Interview
An amazing opinion by an unequivocally intelligent man. While watching said interview, the whole ‘Ris Low and her amusing word creations’ along with the general public’s criticism of her “abhorrent” butchering of the English language. Believe me, I do not believe that their criticism was unwarranted, and to say I never partook in ridiculing her would be hypocritical. But what Mr. Fry so elaborately explained, English is an ever-expanding, ever-changing thing. Unlike, say French, which has an authority overseeing the weeding out of improper French words, the English language is malleable and words consistently take on new definitions and discard old ones (e.g. meld and book).
Hence, her habit of making up new words can hardly be criticized. After all, even The Bard himself, whom we consider to be an English legend, made up words half the time. In fact it is said that he had a larger vocabulary than English itself. Yet while his creations have lasted and evolved through the centuries and it is quite clear that Ms. Low’s words are more of a linguistic dead end, to ridicule her based on her creations is highly hypocritical of us, as we praise Shakespeare for his ingenuity. Naturally, of course, one is not recommended to use her words, as they are reminiscent of a more juvenile thought process.
Also I see no reason for discrimination against her lack of ability to speak English. There are many contestants, on the international stage, who cannot converse in English at all, yet they are provided with translators, why then is Singapore so insistent on giving an impression that English is our language. By doing this cripple our representative, when instead they could have aided her to “shine” by providing a translator to assist.
That being said, I am glad the current holder of the Ms. World title was the one sent instead, for in my opinion she far exceeds the top 2 in terms of beauty and even perhaps, eloquence.
It is late and I have little more to say on this subject except that if people wish to invent words, a smidgen of creativity and maturity is desired lest we end up with words like “Boomz” and “Shingz” and god knows what else, which, while not wrong, I feel is certainly far from desirable. And now a final quote from Stephen Fry, from the same interview.
“In London, our dear, beloved metropolis, you will see Medieval, Tudor, Elizabethan, Georgian, Queen Anne, Victorian, Edwardian, art deco, modernist, brutalist buildings all jostled together; it’s a very higgledy-piggledy city.”
“Now English language is like London; a mongrel mouthful, whether we know it or not, of Chaucer and Milton and Dryden and Pope and Shakespeare and Dickens and American South Central and ghetto rap and Chicago and Australian convict talk and legal and naval and military. Every phrase we utter is an equivalent of London: it is both vulgar and procession, it’s both grand and squalid. And that is exactly what human beings are it seems to me. It’s both animal and noble. And people who try to aggrandize language into something that is right or wrong. You might as well say a person is right or wrong, but for existing. It’s just arse-gravy. No, it’s not acceptable. It’s very peculiar.”

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Pre-Review of Transformers 2

 Yes. i watched it! At freaking 11 in the morning after work, with some colleagues nonetheless! Either way, I had to check it out especially since the douche-bag of a movie of a movie critic gave it half a star. HALF A FRIGGING STAR! Oh.. what is a pre-review you ask? Its so i don't spoil the movie for those unfortunate souls who haven't watched it yet... I'll do a full one at the end of 7 days, at which point i'd have probably watched it again >:)

Right on. Anyway, the first task on the list is... Oh yes.. ripping the news paper's review to shreds. Well, well, well Mr. Critic, let's see what you have to say about this flick... Ah, interesting, in fact it is quite clear that not only does it sound like he surfed the internet for common criticisms of Michael Bay, it is also quite apparent that this critic is an idiot. And while i can appreciate the sarcasm that his critique drips with, it too clear that that is all that is really good about it. I mean you might be a fan of apple pies... but an apple pie dipped in fecal matter is still gonna be as repulsive.

Firstly, he whines about the explosions and how it induced a headache in him, and while I am under the impression that most other movie-goers don't suffer from chronic vertigo, my condolences go out to him because he seems to be the type to pop panadols every time he sneezes. And his second most amusing complaint would have to be the amount of "judder, smoke and sand". Forgive me, but when you're in a raging battle against big ass robots in a desert, I would assume that lots of smoke and sand would have been a natural occurrence. 

Lastly, his critical remarks about the camera movements during the show clearly reflect a total ignorance of cinematography and gives the impression that whole movies should be filmed on a tripod from a single angle. Don't like moving camera shots? Watch a slideshow!

The movie itself was amazing. Mr. Bay really outdid himself. This movie had big robots, Megan Fox, hell-raising fight scenes and rock-your-nutsack explosions. What's not to love. I'd give the movie 4 stars. It deserves that much really. It's a movie based on Mecha anime. It's not Mystic River acted out by 20 foot cyborgs. And it was jaw-droppingly awesome.

Will put out a full review once all you plebeians have also watched it. >:) 

P.S. The Straits Times should get its act together and hire a better critic...

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My Very Messed Up Dream

 I don't dream a lot. And when i do, for some reason, they are always vaguely reminiscent of the kind of visions a frequent user of LSD would have.

So, it starts out in a vague dream reconstruction of my fire station, where I am getting ready to go for weight training with some of the guys. So we head up to the 4th floor, to a classroom which has one weight machine and a barbell, and we begin doing exercises, when suddenly after traversing around the room for no particular reason, one guy freaks out and goes "Look there is a weird lizard on the wall". But i notice it isn't a lizard, but in fact, it is a crocodile, a small one (about the size of my pinky).

I proceed to catch this minute croc with a plastic paper pocket (the kind you find in files) and convince the rest not to kill it, cause we are the potential discoverers of a new breed of croc. So we take this plastic pocket and go outside of the classroom and , Lo and behold, we're in SJI with one of the science teachers nearby. He tells us to bring the croc to the science department which is conveniently just down the hall.

By this time, its just me, the guys have disappeared. So i head in to find three science teachers and i show it to one dude. He goes like, "That isn't a rare species. In fact, it is quite  common species. That also reacts to light. If you shine a torchlight on it long enough, it'll crawl into the exit sign of a chinese restaurant". At which point even i am going "WTF!?". So i ask him what i had to do with it. He tells me i can't let it onto sand cause then it'll get used to the feeling of wet sand, so i should just let it crawl into a drain. Which i do.

Then as i leave the dept, i realise that a few of my sec 4 teachers are standing around in traditional indian clothing, all black with gold trimmings, and i suddenly know that SJI is preparing for some festivities. I notice all my  sec 4 classmates, along with a newly installed lift, as well as some girls i know who happen to be there as dates.

To make things stranger, the girls are all dressed in the kind of frocks that little girls wear, most in pink. Also we begin moving into the hall to sit down, then Maggie appears out of nowhere in a white frock, and asks me to dance, which i refuse because, we are moving to the hall for assembly and not to dance. Then i notice my classmates have tricked me as it is not my class's turn to move in yet. so i go outside and see them sitting down and talking with my teacher, at which point my handphone rings and i wake up...

as you can see... very messed up.

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REM again

 Ah yes... another day another review. It's been what? 14 days. That's not to say that I haven't watched anything worthwhile, but it does mean that i haven't been arsed enough to review them. Oh well.

Another interesting episode of we are REM. Though i need someone to explain to me why for the first ten minutes the 3 leads all had the same strange pink lipstick on. Also there is a new character whom i didn't know about since i did not catch the last episode. A new detective called... uh.. I don't actually know. But that's immaterial. So this episode had them crack more puzzles that the dead Gomez has left them and also R and E have a mini-mystery in a recording studio, while M shows off her incredible multitasking powers, by solving the clues herself and managing her PMS. Boy was she feisty in this one.

The mystery of the day, featured a pirated chinese version of Zac Effron, though they had a nicely inserted reference to Effron's gamertag (zacattack), though i am unsure how intentional this was.A recording artist who dislikes the stuff he is making, since he sings teeny-bopper, and no one in their right mind actually likes that crap... Needless to say R gushes over him. And it's always nice to see some gushing now and then, so props to them for that.

Either way that mystery is solved promptly with it being some revenge issue, due to the thief being from some previous band that according to Roxy had "less singing talent than The Chipmunks", which I take offense at since i rather like The Chipmunks...

Either way they return to M, who berates them for not caring about their dead friend, and then leaves in a huff..

Moral of the story kids: Don't underestimate the power of the PMS 

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Twilight... yes that one.

To say that I endured watching the movie would be a lie, the numerous bad lines and constipated expressions of various characters made the movie enjoyable enough. Yes it was enjoyable for all the wrong reasons, but i gets credit for not making me fall asleep (read: Chicago). With the firm knowledge that much money and fame can be gained by publishing one's own day dreams about high school life and sexual encounters of the vampire kind give me faith that one day I too can be a famous author. Well, anyway on to the whole reviewing bit.

The actors' portrayal of the range of emotions found in most normal humanoids (considering that this movie is about vampires and such) can be summarised into one hyphenated word - non-existent. Most of the "actors" expressions can be described as one or two constant emotions throughout the whole film. Bella - Loathing, Edward - Bipolar, Jasper - Constipated and so on and so forth. The entire film could have been acted out by planks with expressions spray painted onto their surfaces. A Keanu movie has more expression than the entire cast of Twilight.

Bella pretty much spends the whole movie being a hateful little bitch with friends who are shallower than a puddle of water on a hot day. Edward has more mood swings than a convent full of pre-menstrual teenagers and has the speech characteristic of an autistic child. Also they have about as much sexual tension as a bucketload of fecal matter. Although one must admit it was probably a challenge for the actors to act out characters that were clearly written as one dimensional.

I could go on forever about the shoddy acting and gratuitous abuse of the Dutch Angle (google that if you don't know what it means) but on to the logical flow of the film. It doesn't. At all. Namely the time dilation. She moves there. He goes missing from school for about a week. Her friend informs her that prom is in two or three weeks. And when she asks Edward how long he had been doing the bedroom stalking thing he calmly replies a couple of months. So either their town is in space, which affects how Bella and the audience perceives time, or Edward has been regularly breaking into the Swan home and watching an empty bedroom months before Bella even moved in. Which kinda goes beyond the realm of creepy into the realm of Fucking Insane.

Then we have the whole bit of how he doesn't sleep and at the end of the movie, in the hospital, he was... OMG.. ASLEEP. Fucking liar.

Then there is that bit where she google's Quileute Legends. Goes to another county to buy a book, and then returns home to read a few words from the book and then Google the fuck out of everything else. Why buy the damn book in the first place?

Also it is apparent that Stephanie Meyer doesn't know much about vampires. Firstly, no vampire sparkles like the fantasy of a disco-junkie. They fucking burn in the sunlight. No matter how little or mild the sunlight is they burn like a bitch. This is widely accepted vampire lore and while she deserves credit for trying to be innovative she also deserves to die for thinking like a 12 year old. And becoming the hole thing with making the Cullens family some kind of pirated X-men team doesn't work.

So while the book is the bastard love-child of Stephanie Meyers' desecration of romance and vampire genres along with a mixture of utter, unadulterated mental retardation, the movie is the inbred son of that bastard love child.

Watch the movie for a laugh if you must, but don't go around saying it was an amazing movie because someone will shoot you, and you would have deserved it. 

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 I just finished watching another episode of we re R.E.M. Interesting premise, where the girls house-sit for Shai so that he can solve a math puzzle for them. Which begs the question "If Inspector Gomez had such a profound understanding of the Heisenberg Equation and could construct a code using it in conjunction with sign language, mentally, as he lay dying from a slit throat... What The Fuck was he doing as a police officer in the first place?!"

The other weird thing was that, the reason shai asked them to house-sit in place of him was so that he could work on it on his computer at home. One would assume he uses a desktop. Then they show him working on a LAPTOP, which he proceeds to bring to the house anyway after solving the equation. So there was really no point in him doing that except for the scrīpt writers to place the girls in a life-threatening predicament.

And which security company places a USB port on their home security consoles. Right, so with all the logical fallacies out of the way, the episode is an example of lazy scrīpt-writing. But on the bright side, the girls did a great job of looking good and actually acting, which is more than i can say for Twilight.

Also who doesn't have erotic fantasies about three young girls trapped in a house with guy dressed like a RnB Altair. You don't? Well... umm.. neither do i.. really... 

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Movie Triple Bill Part 3: Horsemen

 Ok.. so... what was good about this movie.. a few things... Hmm.. Well this movie, is kinda what you would get if you let Dan Brown write the screen-play for the Parent Trap, that movie featuring a pre-scandal Lindsay Lohan and Dennis Quaid. So essentially it's Dennis Quaid playing the estranged dad... again.

No spoilers here, but the movie seemed promising, what with the biblical references and the mystery, and cult killings. And then they reveal one of the antagonists, which completely hits you in the face off guard, same as the second antagonist. But by this time, it's pretty easy to figure out who the final boss is. And then, thats where it suddenly loses its horror appeal and becomes a twisted version of Parent Trap.

Well, I'll be fair. the movie didn't suck. But it could have done so much better. There were so many possibilities and in the end the writer decided to get hung up about his daddy issues. Bollocks. Another good movie idea dies in the womb. 

Zhang Ziyi. Right. i don't even know why she got second billing. Weird really. But the movie deserves at least one shot, for you people out there who are into a good, no scratch that, into an ok mystery.

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Movie Triple Bill Part 2: Wolverine

 Oh boy oh boy. Yes, so, Chris randomly calls me out on wednesday night to tell me he has a spare ticket for the gala premiere of Wolverine. Who says no right? And after watching the movie, I must say, it's pretty good. Better than the 3 X-men movies. I'm not saying it doesn't have it's flaws. It definitely does. Certain issues with continuity and whatnots. But overall a decent and enjoyable movie.

Right, so for hardcore comic fans, well not that hardcore really, the movie will have a mixed reception as the multitude of characters featured is enough to appease any fan, but the story still detracts from the story line of the comic series. But like Neil Gaiman once said, the movie is like an alternate reality version of the characters.

We have, Deadpool, Bolt, Blob, John Wraith, Sabretooth, Maverick and Wolverine within the first bit of the movie. And later on we see, Cyclops, Emma Frost, Quicksilver, Silverfox and of course Gambit. See a multitude of characters. Again, this was another action-packed movie, though the action was significantly better than in the previous X-men movies. The soundtrack was pretty good, and the casting was nice.

Well, except there was no conceivable reason for Cyclops to be in this movie at all, apart from being there to give the final boss his powers, and to please Cyclops fans out there, who probably don't number more than the population of a small house.

A good movie overall, just don't go expecting the origin story to fit in with the actual comics. 

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Movie Triple Bill Part 1: Taken

 Watched "Taken" with my dad. Before I begin any sort of review, let me share this quote from the bit where his daughter gets kidnapped and he realises it's the kidnapper on the phone: -

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you're looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money... but what I   have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that will be the end of it - I will not look for you, I will not pursue you... but if you don't, I will look for you, I   find you, and I will kill you.Which, by the way, is insanely badass. That coupled with the fact that it's said by the same dude behind Aslan and Qui-gon Jinn just gives it that much more gravity. I mean if it's one thing you don't do, it's mess with Qui-gon, unless of course you happen to be Darth Maul. And people generally wouldn't like to mess with a Lion-shaped avatar of Christ either. But no, these crazy Albanians go and kidnap his daughter. And so he unleashes his fury upon them.

The movie is pretty good, as can be expected from Luc Besson, and Neeson makes a convincing killing-machine. He goes through the movie as if he had four fists and balls of steel, which i am convinced he has. While i would not like to spoil the movie for you, it's obvious it ends on a  good note, although the road to that good note was littered with dead bodies of French, Arabic and Albanian descent.

The action is pretty well choreographed. It might as well have been Qui-gon, sans Force powers, lightsabre and facial hair. The story, well, the story was pretty simple. Dudes take away the daughter. Father gets pissed, kills everyone, saves daughter. Pretty straight forward really.

Its a good movie that should be at least watched once. 

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Paris Hilton and her BFFs

Yes. I got home today and while flipping channels came across Paris Hilton's My New BFF on MTV. 20 minutes later, much to my own horror, I was still watching the damn show.

Only MTV can conceive and actually realise a show where Paris Hilton doesn't seem to be the most superficial character or where the point of the show is not to laugh at her inability to do "simple things", like you know herd cattle. On a tangent, it can be said that in a country where a show can pretend as if cattle herding is as easy as making a pie, simply because Paris Hilton and her then BFF, Nicole Richie, couldn't do it, then in that country any show dreamt up by getting drunk on the piss of a junkie would probably find some form of prime-time success.

Anyways, back to the current show. The character range of contestants is unbelievably large and being the benevolent soul that I am, I shall provide a rather judgmental list of select contestants, and by select i mean the ones who aren't totally forgettable. Here goes:

Baje: Token Black Contestant, was Jamaican so that audience would believe she was actually more genuinely black than regular run o' the mill black people and was also a belligerent housemate so her exit wasn't hard to fathom.

Sinsu: Token Asian Chick, looks like the Asian chick from Hi-5, was eliminated cause she partied too hard.

Bryan: The Walking, Talking Gay Ken Doll. Being a Ken Doll is bad enough, but at least the Ken managed to do the nasty with Barbie and not many guys with no genital indication can boast that.

Onch: The overly dramatic stereotypical ladyboy. Seriously. It's like he walked out of a homosexual Nam veteran's wet dream. Was kicked off for being too fake. Should have been kicked out for existing. 

Zui: Goth Stereotype. nuff said..

Kayley: He-man if he were to change sex.

Shelley: The only one in the group to did seem to have any psychological disorders and more than just a glint of sincerity.

The rest were pretty much forgettable as hell. The challenges while apt are ridiculous in any situation where one is not Paris Hilton, which or most other people, is the general case in life. And to top it off, this show features a much more refreshing side of Paris, one that isn't there just so the audience can mock her inability to shovel manure, but an actual business savvy, hard-partying woman, who is quite perceptive of people's interactions with her. Which is ironic, cause that's exactly the kind of person who WOULDN'T use a competitive reality show to pick their next best friend.

Which thankfully she didn't. Seeing as this show was conceived by Jed Elinoff and Scott Thomas, the same team who wrote ---- Wait for it-----Scooby-Doo! Pirates Ahoy! The original movie. MTV can stoop no lower... Well actually, I'm surprised their thighs haven't begun to burn after stooping so low for the past decade at least.

In short, MTV should leave reality shows to the likes of Mark Burnett and should stick to music videos, pimping out rides and doing exposes of the ridiculously lavish lifestyles of the rich and the famous...  

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Tushar Ismail


Location Singapore
Fans 41
English Name Tushar Ismail
Member Since February 20, 2010