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• Confessions: I Have Been Living A Lie
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  Tuesday, Apr 1, 2008 4:28AM / Standard Entry / Members only
  159 comments

  For those who have been following my blog, you may notice that I have not been posting much about my personal life.  In many ways I have avoided posting about my daily life because I have been conflicted about how I should live my life.  It did not used to be so severe, but in the last 6 months I have reached a boiling point of sorts and today I have made a very important decision. 
  
  In my bouts with depression, I have tried to think of the moments where I have been truly happy.  There have been many special moments over the years.  My college graduation.  The day The Heavenly Kings premiered in H.K and also the day Daniel won Best New Director at the HK Film Awards.  These special moments have been few and far between, therefore I trudge in the wasteland of my mind most other times, confused, depressed, and conflicted. 
  
  Then I remembered a night when I truly was happy . . .
  I felt so beautiful that night and there were moments that night when I felt like I was finally being myself.  I did not understand it at the time.  I did not even know why I chose to be a woman that night.  But somehow when the make-up was on and when I was dancing in my 6 inch platform heals, I felt free and liberated. 
  
  Since that night I have not allowed myself to be the woman that I was.  So often was I trapped in depression, that even simple pleasures like sausages, angora, and Kylie Minogue failed to raise my spirits.  And what I realize now, after hitting bottom with intolerable torment and grief, I realize it is time to admit to the obvious.  I have been a man for 32 years . . . it is time to retire, to make a fresh start, to allow the woman in me to come to life and proudly walk this world. 
  
  I will spend the next 2 years away from my friends, my family, my hometown to find the will, resources, and doctors that will make my dreams come true.  When I return, I hope you will all accept me, will give me the chance to show you all the real me. 
  
  
  As you can all imagine.  It has been tremendously difficult for me to come to this decision.  But now that I have made up my mind, I have never felt more sure that I am doing the right thing.
  I want to thank my family, my friends, and everyone who has supported me over the years.  I know for some of you my decision is very difficult to accept.  But I hope that you will have faith in my heart and that the heart has no gender. 
  
  Goodbye everyone!  I will miss you when I am gone.  I just have to try to be the woman I know I can be.