A Question in 2003 - found writings continued.

Let me  share something with you.
It’s something I wrote around the time I left HK and been living in England at my parent’s house – doing some thinking when I got the time in between looking after my baby Chi.
It’s like an essay, a philosophical questioning, a self look into my soul, my being.
A good, beneficial thing, definitely!
And like two characters talking in conversation.

What will give me happiness?
Will I ever be happy?
How will I achieve it?

I was caught in the moment, and it came to me.
And I took the chance to write it down.
It helped me through my head.
I needed to do it at them time.
And these are eternal questions we all ask.
This is the basis fundamental requirement.
It’s a good place to start!

HOW CAN I BE HAPPY?
If I am understood.
How can you make people understand?
By being honest with myself.
That has a part, is a part of it.
It, what is it, Happiness?
What is happiness?
Understanding.
Explain.
To be understood.
How?
By letting myself be loved.
Who loves me?
Do you love yourself?
No.
Why?
Because, I feel I am, I have been through a lot.
So. Do, are you feeling tired?
Yes, I do.
I feel tired.
You need to be supported right now in your life.
To feel good again.
Is it as simple as that.
No.
It is what you want.
And have you got it?
Why haven’t you?
Because I feel misunderstood.
That is a familiar feeling experienced by many.
How do you go about changing that?
Well it happens, step by step, it takes steps, by steps.
Focus on something you would like to be understood in.
Right now we are talking.
O.K.
Think for a moment…….
I want to feel loved.
Are you not being loved right now?
I don’t feel loved.
I don’t feel loved.
Do you love yourself?
Why does it always come back to me?
Because self-love is the first step to improvement, to
improvement in your life,
and things around you.
I feel locked in.
I feel I can’t move.
I have dealt with this, it before
And I always had the fight to be free
To escape
But I see I don’t want to fight
It shouldn’t be a fight
I don’t want to do it like
That again
I don’t want to go through with it
Like that
There must be another way
Because it can’t have worked
Doing the way I did it before
Because look, I feel I am back
where I started, only this time I have a son.
I have another child to raise
It is not just about me
anymore
Firstly you need to feel sure
of yourself.
And you need to be clear with yourself
and the child, don’t worry
as much, as long as you are
sorted and are happy
the child will benefit
from a happy parent
When I think like that it feels
so difficult
OK
So focus on you
I want to be happy.

Philosophically answer this.
Happiness is a feeling of self-being
It is an envelope of radiance within.
It is an understanding of the ebb
and flow of life external and internal.
It is a feeling, our connection
with myself, my soul, spirit my
inner being with the universe that
continues to turn it’s cycle
I must feel connected within that
Specialness of life
How did I go so wibbley woobley?

It is the secure knowing
That everything will be and is okay

Happiness is a feeling of self-worth

I think back

What happened with Hugo and
his car really smashed me
I mean, I smashed his back lights
by accident and a good friend
helped me out of a pickle who
has since died in a car accident
himself in cuba. I am so sorry
to say unfortunately
I felt really worthless inside
Because I felt these were my friends
And they thought I betrayed them
So feeling weak attracted me to a
weaker person to make each
other feel worthy?

Happiness is speaking, talking, knowing the
Truth
The truth
The truth
The truth
The truth is I am okay.
The truth is I have survived.
The truth is I am on the other side.
The truth is I got hurt.
I fell down and got hurt.
I was in pain.
I made myself go through so much
Pain for me to realize I want out
That I didn’t like the situation
I was in.

Happiness is stress-free.
FREE from the causes of stress.
Free from the things and people that
May cause you stress.
These include his aunt, my parent’s
Give me a degree of anger
Frustration and depression
Because they are so low
Actually in hindsight I was low
All I could see was negativity
Stuffy underground trips
Give me stress because you walk so long
And get all hot and sweaty and the
You have to endure being underground??

HK makes me feel sick. It is so
Isolated and such a sad place to live
So much materialism
And pressure, I hate it.

( this was written in '03 - I am happy to say I don't feel like that anymore!
I have learnt it is how you see things and how you chose to look at things :)

Happiness is not doing things
You don’t like, that makes
You feel sad.

End cycle
Loop
Sequence
End.

My friend Yuen Ling passed away earlier this year when I was last in HK. This is a letter I wrote to her but I never got to send it. I put it on this blog to share my feelings to others, I feel there are resonances that can connect with all others x

Of these the first is to be reckoned as a foe in the likeness of a friend on four grounds; he is rapacious; he gives little and expects much; he does what he has to do out of fear; he pursues his own interests.

On four grounds the man who pays lip-service only to a friend is to be reckoned as a foe in the likeness of a friend; he makes friendly professions as regards the past; he makes friendly professions as regards the future; the only service he renders is by his empty sayings; when the opportunity for service arises he shows his unreliabilty.

On four grounds the flatterer is to be reckoned as a foe in the likeness of a friend: he approves your bad deeds, as well as your good deeds; he praises you to your face, and in your absence he speaks ill of you.

On four grounds the wastrel is to be reckoned as a foe in the likeness of a friend: he is your companion when you go drinking; when you frequent the streets at untimely hours; when you haunt shows and fairs; when you gamble.


The friend who is a helper is to be reckoned as a good-hearted friend on four grounds: he protects you when you are taken unawares; he protects your property when you are not there to  protect it; he is your refuge to you when you are afraid; when you have tasks to perform he provides twice as much help as you need.

The friend who is constant in happiness and adversity is to be reckoned as good-hearted on four grounds: he tells you his secrets; he does not betray your secrets; in your troubles he does not forsake you; for your sake he will even lay down his life.

The friend of good counsel is...good hearted on four grounds: he restrains you from doing wrong; he enjoins you to do what is right; from him you learn what you had not learn before; he shows you the way to heaven.

The friend who is sympathetic is to be reckoned as good-hearted on four grounds: he does not rejoice over your misfortunes; he rejoices with your prosperity; he restrains those who speak ill of you; he commends those who speak well of you.

Hong Kong is a land full of illusions. I walk around and everything is a reflection of something I once knew, remembered and took note of. The reminders excite me and I think I am home and safe and that this is real and everything else was so fake before, when suddenly I find myself drowning drowning deep in despair in a murky liquid that has suddenly caught hold of me.
I'm made to believe how shallow I have become in search of something to give me meaning to my life again.
I welcome this lesson. I am willing to learn and find out my search is never-ending.
I will know if I cannot walk anymore, that I am already deep into the forest and now I am beginning to feel confused and I don't know how I feel. My first reaction would be to say it's good because feeling confused means clarity at the end of all this.
Hong Kong could be the hardest lesson for me. I have a feeling it will be.
Great.
I was born into the land of dreams and illusions, what better way to start my investigation than here?
Caught up in the differences. Switching between pleasure and desire.
Humans fall down. A miserable fast-lane through numerous tunnels and lanes paying the $10, $5, $15 toll fare.
The permission to pass through to experience another blackhole, loophole, wormhole take your pick.
Does Hong Kong exist at all?
What makes me part of this havoc, I've lived away for 20 years?
And why would I be here? Hong Kong offers you promises that expires in an hours time, evapourates into a simple $15 won ton noodle.
There is no future in a land of invisible promises and hidden agendas, no one knows your game, so they all play the dance of death.

(this was written in 1999 after only arriving in HK in 1998 just before beginning shoot on the film 'sealed with a kiss' remember anyone hehe! and note: toll fares and won ton noodles have gone up considerably since time has lasped...)