“there are too many mediocre things in life. love shouldn’t be one of them”
(frankie, dream for an insomniac)
tonight i was catching up with my friend on facebook chat and he asked me what was happening on the dating front. this led into a conversation about how i’m still wary of getting close to anyone because i gave up so much of myself in my last relationship. i explained to him that “i just want to be unapologetically selfish for awhile.” he encouraged me with a much-appreciated hell yeah!
but, something about my statement just did not sit well with me. that or the overdose of caffeinated drinks consumed today in order to get through my first morning shift. regardless… despite my best efforts to go to bed at a reasonable hour, i find myself lost in thought and unable to sleep.
i’m wondering why i have been assuming that selfishness and being single are inextricably linked. in an effort to avoid the loss of self, incurred as a result of my previous relationship, i have thus avoided relationships altogether.
yesterday at work, i donated blood for fort hood. somewhere between the prick of the needle and my running to the bathroom to throw up my lunch due to lightheadedness, i looked over at the bag and felt comforted by the visual confirmation that my heart is still functioning.
because i had certainly been feeling lately, as though i was broken. that the blood had run cold and my heart had forgotten its purpose. what a relief to see it flowing steadily (despite the dizziness the withdrawal of it induced)
i’ve adamantly fought any hint of symptoms that i could possibly develop real feelings for someone of the opposite sex. i congratulated myself on my fortitude.
and therein lies the problem. i have reached the point where i am actually celebrating emotional indifference. i have not only accepted mediocrity… but embraced it. this is not selfishness at all— this is settling.
i don’t necessarily need to remain single to be selfish. what i need to do is stop being passive about my happiness. okay, so i know what i DON’T want in a relationship thanks to my previous one(s)… but now i’ve started to forget what i DO want. for example: thanks to the last relationship, i no longer want someone’s world to revolve around me. however, i’d still like to feel as though i’m a part of it.
being single has not translated into being selfish. it seems to have, in fact, had an inverse effect. i deserve better than what i have settled for… i’ve reached a plateau… and it’s time to move forward.
sweet dreams. tomorrow is a new day.
