long time no blog!
haven't been doing major major pieces of work cos raising nicholas heru on its own is pretty much a major major piece of work... nonetheless... managed to get stuff like this done:
cancer in the city (national geographic/tvb) - jan
s k y tao vs privacy commissioner (decision) - feb
baby raising - march/april
commercial - may
... getting a baby to smile or do something on cue for a photographer to capture is quite a task ... im glad nicholas heru pulled it off!
anyhoo - till next time!
Video: http://www.wheel2wheel.tv/home.php above - stuff keeping me busy during the bump
below - what the bump was all about
leonardo da vinci's babe in womb:
my attempt at understanding my babe in my womb:
mini me (male version) @ 5 1/2 weeks old:
(kids got attitude already ;))
I’ve been a lot moody and depressed, if anything I allowed myself to drop to a “safe” level of dark, somber and negative mindset simply because I allowed my surroundings, situation and the so-called “friends” consume my productive, positive and pro-active side of me without realizing that these people are only capable of doing just that.
They feed off the demise of another and like vultures take, grab, step and hinder that person; stripping them away from any chance of possibility or future prospect simply out of pure envy, jealousy and for the most part lazy, illogical and disturbingly insecure.
I had a great day yesterday – for once something shot through me like a thunderbolt; unleashing a world of non-stop epiphanies, one after the other until I came home exhausted from the whole day of enlightenment to wake up a few hours ago all ready to be the usual “go-getter” self.
I thought I’d finally put down in words and in blog the mental mindset that has aided me to find it myself to stand up again.
Over the past few months, whilst I slowly watched the destruction and downward spiral of myself (albeit it allowing it as well to happen) I turned a lot to theories and inner reflection (not to mention a lot of numerology [by the way I have most amazing and accurate numerology report reading software so if you want yours just email me sky at skytao.com], Buddhism, self-help and silence) and one of the main things that really aided me in being able to accept what was happening to me at present was this:
Sky, this is a time when you have an opportunity to make great progress on the spiritual plane. And that is where your focus needs to be.
Your spiritual identity is expanding, and one of the side effects of this development is that you will most likely feel a strong urge to make major changes on the more practical, material plane; the kind of changes that probably do not make a lot of sense to other people. That is fine. In fact, that is exactly what you can expect to happen. It’s as if you are driven to change your life from the ground up. While you must maintain common sense and perspective, this inner urge to change is exactly what you need.
The changes we are talking about here, Sky, may not be completely painless. You should be prepared to defend your reasoning. Some people you are emotionally close to will try to stop you and, if that doesn’t work, may blame you for their unhappiness.
Difficult as that may be, Sky, you can’t afford to let yourself be tied down. At the same time, you should move cautiously. Don’t be impulsive. Take your time. But don’t be afraid to make the necessary changes. You will be tearing down your tower, in order to build a bigger one. This is a natural process and part of your personal spiritual development. When all is said and done, you will not regret the changes you make during this time.
This is a time of spiritual transformation. The key ingredients for this period are self examination, faith, and confidence.
That part in bold really said it all and so I’ve managed to somewhat still keep a sense of self that I was determined not to let that I fought very hard not to break me inside.
Which led me to start researching on this ideology of myself (yeah yeah I know very narcissistic of me recently but hey when you have TransUnion ripping through your personal data and stating on paper that you’re male; you can hardly blame me for trying to identify myself with… ) and I came across this idea of being somewhat of a .
Carl Jung theory and it’s from this that I have been able to “bounce” back so to speak or as a close friend said to me…(and yes I am quoting you “walk into a pile of shit and come out of it smelling like flowers”.
"The artist is not a person endowed with free will who seeks his own ends, but one who allows art to realize its purposes through him. As a human being he may have moods and a will and personal aims, but as an artist he is "man" in a higher sense - he is "collective man," a vehicle and moulder of the unconscious psychic life of mankind." (from 'Psychology and Literature', 1930)
I’m not going to go into too much detail about the theory but basically (I laugh now when I think back at how everything I read and do somehow manages to connect to each other) TransUnion really messed up my personal data making it Trans (and believe it or not this is actually a keyword to Jungian’s wounded healer theory!!!) to which I have done my bit and announced, blogged, spoken, put forth whatever makes my case Trans and now I am going to let things unfold as and when they will because I’m so Trans and in my mind I’ve Trans
Fingers crossed over the next few weeks TransUnion can just TransFER and then all will be happy happy happy and I can go back to building my brand new bigger tower!!!
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I have witnessed with my own two eyes the greed that turned one against friends known for over a decade, the fear in one to be honest and genuine that they choose to live daily in a picture perfect life when their mind is anything but, the jealousy in one that would cause them to create falsehoods about another just to gain standing and reputation, the disrespect for another that would lead one to be injured with no remorse or guilt evidencing in their faces, the deceit that would compel a person to make dishonorable claims of action for all to know and yet none actually made, the vanity in one to position themselves daily in front of a mirror and claims their purity by their loyalty to religion, the hypocrites who make public claims and judge others on their life choices when their very own are questionable too to the irresponsible who choose to satisfy themselves and leave their dependents enraged for the lack of care that they pull out their own hair at a young age of one.
I have seen all of these with my own two eyes and more.
What I am unable to believe that is happening is: where I am haunted by my past actions that would give doubts and raise concerns from others about me today, it is the very same judgmental people where their actions today are to be even more horrifying to witness. These individuals stand before me as grown men and women, some in a position of authority, others in a position of decision making and all the rest are at the very least in a position of responsibility, as grown men and women will find themselves in a position of responsibility.
There is to be grown man nor grown woman who can claim that they are without any ties or responsibilities as a human being. To do so, to claim such a thought or entitlement should render this individual as immoral, irresponsible and inadequate as a human and an ingrate to society.
First and foremost let me state in my view what I believe and is known to me as the path of the man. I dare not say righteous nor will I even attempt at saying the correct path for I am not a judge nor a jury to earn the right to make claims of those sort.
I am however, a human being.
One that believes that all human beings are, from birth, equals.
No one human being is borne greater than another in respect of righteousness or moral value. Social standing and financial comfort is different and does not equate as evidence or proof that one human is better than another. This is just proof that they are to be borne and mature comfortably.
I am also of the belief that where an individual seeks another for help, aid or work on their own tasks – that this individual has surrendered to the notion of being in a position of either the knowledge, experience, education, expertise or strength that they are then seeking on the reliance of another to complete the task. Should that then be the case then a payment that translates into the appreciation of another individual willing to fulfill and complete the task ought to be made as the any amount grosser than this amount would be an increased appreciation of the same and a genuine thoughtful and heartfelt gesture.
In my own experiences and awareness of the deterioration of mankind, I have noticed and discovered that the essence and fundamental principles of respect of one another has disintegrated into an ego which I shall call the “ ” or as one would call egoist. This self-centered individual exercises self-gain and self-profit with no remorse, consideration nor care for the other willing individual who most often, are tricked into thinking that they will be rewarded with the
payment that they have agreed upon.
Now, this is not to suggest that the willing and agreed individual is not without their own share of unjust thinking for there now is a breed that puts a value on to themselves so grossly misrepresented that should even a just person be in a position to be mindful and thoughtful to pay unto them a grosser amount, they should find themselves without the task done in equal representation to the amount that they have paid.
What this has left is a sad, immoral and diseased majority of men and women who poison and roam this very earth as if the nature and natural state of mankind and society is indebted to their existence. The very few individuals left, who fight on a daily basis for their bread and water, maintain defiant in their beliefs as a just person are singled out to be lacking in stability of their sanity and cast aside for labeling as difficult and destructive to their flawed belief as the overall well-being of their society.
The shortcomings that I have witnessed of the average man in our present day; where father seeks aid to protect his own only for it to transpire that in his mind “his own” means him and self only. Where one seeks kindness from another for that person to take the kindness and in return the gratitude by way of speaking ill, doing ill, intending ill and willing ill to injure that kind person in hopes that the roles would then reverse in his favor. Where one is loyal, dedicated and respectful; the average man would seek to destroy all those values out of nothing more than mere spite.
The very few minority who work with either passion, energy, strength, quality or all of those combined are either hindered, harmed or injured by way of non-payment, unjust payment or by the lashes and licks of a spiked tongue owned by the very diseased and ill willed kind. In the days of old where we are taught with childish innocence, “sticks and stones will break my bones but words shall never harm me” have now in present day become the contrast.
The very words that eminent out of the enraged, jealous, envious and spiteful who do so only because they are unable to find it in themselves to either learn the tasks that the other can do, or appreciate and surrender their incapability to do those tasks and thereby respectfully rewarding that individual with the sincerity and heartfelt thoughts of the same.
I ask the following question with as much enthusiasm as a three year old child has to an invitation to an unfair beating by their mother: what has become of us, immoral and indecent human beings?
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I remember it like it was just yesterday, standing in an empty classroom going through a stack of papers preparing for a talk with Year 10 at Australian International School. Two giggly girls came in bubbly and cheeky wanting to know who I was and what I was doing there. I couldn’t help but be in an equally cheery mood as they were in because it was just infectious and I told them I was a youth worker with KELY support group and was giving a talk after the break.
They worked out between themselves which of the two was going to be in my class and the one that wasn’t sulked and walked away a bit disappointed, “awww that sucks”. The one that was in my class, a few years later would also be there with me, taking part in the ESPIRIT friends model search competition and now in studying in university. The other would later become a muse of some sort to me and one of my nearest and dearests friends.
The other one and I had built a friendship out of mutual understanding and respect for one another devoid of any prejudice of age or authoritative status. If anything, I view her as a person more capable of sound judgement and reasoning than I do myself. Like me, she had a few knots to untie during her school years and like me, she was advised to seek counselling and outside professional help but that’s where the similarities end because seeing what she was going through, I gave her what I wish was there for me.
Very simply, I gave her my time, understanding and trust. Sure, there were a few times when I had to let her down because I couldn’t be there for her but for the most part I have been there – even if it were just in the background – she knew and knows I’ll make the time for her, that she matters, that she isn’t just a case number or another matter that needs to be addressed.
It goes both ways as well, there has been a few occasions where she has been there for me holding me up when I felt shattered and when I’ve just needed someone to hear me out, she’s all ears.
Actually that whole year and I still communicate to this very day. They have all moved onto university or the school of life with a good head on their shoulders, a better head than you and I put together mind you.
And they all are fully aware of the magazine, because of them I had the courage to actually go ahead with it whereas without them it would have always remained just another great idea.
Here is where it hurts… I wanted to say thank you in my way to Max who has been a source of great motivation for me to keep on, keep going and to keep on visioning my ideas into reality. I wanted to continue this appreciation for as long as I could because I may forget birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions and it made sense to me to try and combine as many special days together as possible – which you can appreciate is close to impossible… the magazine’s first issue and anniversary date is Max & Alex’s birthday (they’re twins). Last year marked their 18 th birthday and the birth of the magazine… and in a weeks’ time I am just unable to deliver the next issue on the same date.
I guess this is my way of apologizing to everyone, all the students, schools, friends and most of all to Max for not being able to get in print on time, well, I have no idea how and when all this TransUnion stuff is going to get sorted and until then everything is on hold.
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I can enough to survive but to actually enjoy life… I’m not quite there yet. Two years on and I’m still not quite there yet… ideally, I would like a good hearted and natured company to buy me out. Meaning that they take over the magazine completely, because of course, they would have enough staff to cover all the 1000029388312 things I am having to do on my own. The exchange would be, well of course $ but more so that I would be left as controlling shareholder or whatever you call it only so far as I would at least have the final say in whether or not the content would be suitable or advertisement or sponsorship or event or whatever it was…
What this means is that at some point I do want to walk away… why? Because I built this after spotting a necessity… that’s actually what I do… . I see things that need to be changed and because I know that if I told the main person or whoever was in charge – they would never take me seriously (because that happens) – I just go ahead and effect the change – and just fingers crossed the person in charge gets it and takes over.
I started small… first changing bar menus and concepts… then I started with events… then music… then images… and I suppose the magazine is the elephantitus one because I’m actually rectifying a lot of problems or let’s call them knots that I am untying.
What I never imagined was how many knots there would be because from the start I saw about 3 knots and now I realize there are actually at least more than dozen…
Explain the knots? Sure, otherwise this blog becomes quite pointless and anyone who knows me well will know I carry a sharpener and pencil with me everywhere I go and sharpen my pencil before I start writing in meetings because… well I like to be sharp and have points… that’s just another quirk of mine…
Sky magazine –
1. Support. Knowledge. Youths. There just isn’t a teen publication in Hong Kong that’s free for them. Sure, there’s the Sunday Young Post but it’s once a week, riddled with the same format of puzzles and quizzes and when you’re a teen, sorry the last thing we’re (ok yes I know I am far from the age group of a teen but since I am speaking on their behalf just humour me here) going to do is look forward to a puzzle that makes us feel a little retarded.
2. The age group is so broad in Sunday Young Post and honestly, as a teen, being lumped together with 8 year olds just… well it’s kinda demeaning. Sky magazine is focused primarily on the teen age group because I remember what it was like being a teen myself, I wanted to be cool, do cool shit, hang out with older kids or people who had really cool jobs. Of course, they were too busy and usually don’t give a rats ass unless I had a label on me like [insert whatever illness] [insert whatever problem] which is kinda shitty.
3. Being heard. Whenever I had problems believe it or not, it’s not my peers that offer me the best advice or suggestions or words of wisdom… it’s the teens (ok they’re not teens anymore, they’re young adults) that have given me the courage, support and words of wisdom that I just have not ever come across with of my peers. Some of them are so… its made me really look at my surroundings with even more observation and depth perception than before. Often what I have seen is adults talk down at teenagers, in a “what do you know I am older” way, and it’s kinda really messed up because just because you have 1 or 10 more wrinkles than a teen doesn’t bloody make you anymore smarter.
Example? Well I just went to court yesterday… and I have to go again and again and again… some may think it’s not worth the fight but for me, it most certainly is. But I’ll come to that later… the other party to my case filed a counterclaim to my claim… which is understandable because most people being attacked would do their best to defend themselves in their position. Of course, if you’re in the wrong it’s just so much easier to admit it, right your wrong and move on.
You don’t even need to say sorry if you righting the wrong unless you want to remain friends with the person which in my case… yeah I don’t think so. So I understand the counterclaim not the details of it but the reaction… the new claim? Talk about disrespecting the courts, legal system and well, Hong Kong itself. This claim was in the other party’s name and another person whom I have never met, never heard of and have no idea how this person even got it in their heads to be in a position to claim against me… of course in court when asked why or how the other party could justify making this claim, the response was “oh well my partner wanted to join in.”
So on the 17 th August I have to go to court once again for an apparent agreement that I entered into with one person who I know of from an agreement before, together with some other person I don’t know and apparently I breached that agreement and I had promised the world on a plate with all the pearls of wisdom and wonders alongside with it.
Tsk tsk Sky. How could you not deliver the things you promised and agreed on. Hang on wait a minute… let’s investigate Sky’s work history… hrm… said she would start a magazine and have the first issue out on the 14 th September [done]… said she would have a salad store in there instead of a fast food place [done – although this might change only because of putting a business hat on still I did it!]… said it would be in secondary schools [done]… said students would submit work in [done]… said it would be bi-lingual in February 2010…oh my god! It is! That’s because that’s the person I am… I don’t make promises (because that word invites disappointment) I tend to give people my word. Now, sometimes I deliver late but usually that’s because of unforeseen circumstances or a reliance on someone else that didn’t come through etc etc, but at the end of the day I always go on my word.
When it comes to shit like owing money, yeah majority of the time if I haven’t paid back it’s very simple with me… it’s because I don’t got it. I’m just not the type to hoard shit and feign excuses to responsibilities of mine that I had given my word to address. Because someone else gets affected by my act of non-acting and usually it’s someone that doesn’t deserve it. Not the one being owed but whatever the thing is that is owed is usually for someone or something else that benefits someone or something else… so ultimately someone gets affected and like I said… usually its someone that doesn’t deserve it.
For me, each and everyday I keep saying “man, cut me some fucking slack here… let me walk down a red carpet just for half a second instead of this pin prickly steep rocky sharp edged path I’m on…” and when it doesn’t happen (and trust when you’re on this path you can’t exactly stand still and wait either – it’s like being on a bed of hot coals you keep on moving till you find a way back out on to the right road…)… when it doesn’t happen to me or for me… I at least go about my responsibilities as planned because I know when I do at least I am effecting that red carpet to be rolled for a half a second for someone else that… you know what? Deserves it right about now…
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What it’s like to be me? Tough, hard and very painful.
Imagine going through your childhood and being told you lacked intellect and no matter how hard you tried to prove yourself, you’re told that you’re not good enough. So you keep improving, year after year and get told the same thing. By the time you’ve reached adulthood and enter the working world, you’re then told you’re too good and unemployable because the company can’t afford you.
What choices do you have then? Well you dumb down and start from the bottom, earn your way by proving to the working world that you are capable through your actions and through your work.
Only with me, where I have been doing that, sometimes I get a lucky break and someone in a higher position sees that I have potential and promotes me only of course that ignites jealousy amongst my co-workers which then leads to an unhappy work environment.
To me, I think since I haven’t been there very long would make more sense for me to leave, so I do. This goes on and repeats itself job after job, company after company. I’ve never left a company on bad terms mind you, I still keep in contact with a lot of them because there wasn’t a specific wrong doing or someone to blame, it just didn’t work out. That doesn’t call for negativity or any reason for bad mouthing for others to hear. There’s certainly none coming from me that’s for sure because I just want to find place.
Then I came up with an idea and before I went rushing out and making it happen, I held back and researched about it. I had to make sure that I knew what I was doing, that what I wanted to do was actually something useful and necessary and as it turns out, not only do all those things matter – I’ve managed to start it at the right time for it.
But the wrong time in respect of the business world.
Or is it?
I’ve been struggling to secure financing for the magazine because I’m constantly being compared to other publications which in all fairness, I do understand however, my approach in distribution and secure access to my target audience puts me in a position where I should have no discussions or comparisons with other publications.
I work very hard in all that I do. Almost too hard, because I never allow myself to step back and appreciate my work as I feel that until this magazine is stable, anything I do is well, like in my childhood, not good enough.
I feel constantly misunderstood and I do realize its often because my appearance suggests that I am an aggressive person, full of confidence and “take no shit” attitude. Now, when you see me performing, I am a completely different person. Mentally I remove myself from that time of performing and I am that song that is playing. Same with DJing, I suppose that’s how you can tell when someone is passionate?
It’s the same for the magazine. I will defend this magazine because it’s a chance and an opportunity for teenagers in Hong Kong, of course I will do and give my to ensure this continues because I actually care for them. I believe in them, I believe they can do so much, achieve so much – that they can… be good enough and more so.
As for me, the person, I’m actually very quiet. I’m actually very shy. I’m very timid and fragile. Once I am comfortable though, I laugh a lot and make silly jokes and do things to make others laugh. That’s me in a nutshell or me just being a nut.
I don’t really spend time getting drunk, partying or any of that. Well usually because I don’t have the money to. But even so if I did I’d more than likely spend the money buying materials to make presents for friends or go out for a meal.
Past few days, I’ve found myself crying a lot. (I have this theory that the weather seems to translate my mood so it’s been raining recently yeah?) I’m trying to defend myself in situations where I have done no wrong and at times where I have tried to reach out and speak to someone about it, it’s a fault of mine or that I am the cause.
It leaves me pretty frustrated and when this is a constant thing, you can imagine at some point I get angry because I’m constantly being misunderstood. What I tend to do with my anger is… perform! If its not dancing, then DJing if not that then I push myself to improve in design.
That’s what it’s like to be me… painful.
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