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  • Variability of my own behavior, usually is much more larger, than originally appreciated.

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  • Unexplained Memories

    Sunday, Dec 16, 2007 2:22AM / Members only

    Noting unusual happened today, just being there gave me a certain feeling.
    It is a simple house with one broken door and few lighted windows in between a snowy meadow. That's the final sight I caprured in my mind, before our car turned over the corner and left.
    We brought some nice Christams presents to an 70 years old woman with 9 years old child. He was all jumpy, when my dad put on the table few bottles of drinkable joghurt, since in the shops around they hardly sell any.
    There was a happy family once. Many years ago though. The doors to shed were latched, ever since the mother of small guy, ended up her life in suicide there. Such a hollow and abanoded place right after a backyard in a front of the house.
    7 years has passed since his father died in an accident. I think he was drunk, back then, when he tried to drive a small tractor home from the field. Tractor was found later that day - lying in a half meter deep ditch near their house.
    Last year, a grandfather passed out. He was constantly drinking. Ever since i remember him. He got a cancer. And something else that shortened up his life considerably.
    Granny. She's still holding. She has to be strong for rising up her small grandson. Outwardly she didn't seem to be sad anymore. Maybe only because she knows, that her live is slowly coming to an end as well.
    We talked about a lot of random things today. I told her, how's the life in city has changed during the past years. I also told her about me and she told me about herself in return. Behind a smile on old lady's face I felt unbearable sadness of memories, which were kept in this house, imprisoned for years. I wonder what it takes to find a strenght to continue.. I keep wondering about that everytime I see her. But never showed anyone that it really bothers me. Because staying emotionally distant is the only way I can get over and visit her time after time. For someone it might sound familiar, for other maybe strange, weird or confusing. I'm not about to explain my feelings. I don't want to dig deeper in other people's pain, because i'm too weak for that. Sitting in a front of an old window i observed snowy meadows, trees, bushes and sandy road curling away deep into the woods. And random thought about people, being the same cold as this frosty ground under their feet, ran through my mind. Thought about me being one of them, since i need it for not starting to cry and look so unbelievable silly in the other people eyes. I don't want to be questioned about certain emotions which echoes my past. It's so simple and so complicated in the same time, that it feels like it was never easier to get completely lost.
    I don't have anything to regret since me and my family helps them insofar as we can. I know, they are grateful. And I know, it makes me happy. That balances my fragile fear of thoughts and feelings I get from sensing things deeper.
    One day, there will be no house on that place. Or it might me completely restored, erasing all the traces of past and present. Owned by someone else. Noone will be able to recall the memories better then the ones, who still exist. And then... Story will be forgotten.

      431 views Share    

  • Another attempt to explore the labyrinth of my mind

    Tuesday, Aug 14, 2007 6:18AM / Members only

    Recently I thought about how happy one can be, if having balace between theirselfes and things around. Inner balance calms your feelings, whatever they are. So that feelings can be controlled. Actually, once your mind is calm, there's no need to control it. Silent mind makes feelings guiede your steps and actions in a best possible way. Ruined balance leads to confusion, what simply blocks your ability to follow the right feelings. Circle.

    At the moment there are two important rules I follow:

    1. ''Controlling things means giving things, what they want''

    2. ''I don't know where I'm walking and why. I just know I have to go on.''

     

    Now about me: Despite all attempts to get myself back, as I was before, failed! Does that really proves the good old fact of ''neverending movement towards unknown'', where every single life form, in order to grow, needs to change? A year ago I considered changes as a desireable thing. But once these changes reached me too deep, I started to be beware. Things, that other people dosen't even recognize, can harm me pretty much. Just as I can harm someone, when feeling bad enough for letting myself to be harmed. Another circle. It's unbelievable, how certain actions, what, most probably, wasn't done on intention, can reach a depths of myself and ruin almost every part of my personality! So, who am I now? My understandance about people (including myself) has become very limited, because of their beliefs and expectations. People differ between each other much more, than we originally expect them to differ. Yet all the complicated things contains a simple basics. And lately I came up with a quote, what is: ''Not the man, who can make a simple thing look complicated, is wise, but the one who makes complicated thing look simple again''. So, whoever I am, I guess I have travelled too far from undeniable truth about ''Be nothing, know everything. Know nothing, be everything.''

      357 views Share    

  • Yep. Alive!

    Thursday, Jun 21, 2007 5:54AM / Members only

    Hi everyone! :)

    First of all I want to thank You all for a wonderful words about my art here! I never expected to get so much feedback. You guys are really great! ^_^

    And well.... I'm back from a vacation. It was wonderful time, however this journey has changed a few certain things in me. I don't know whether it's good or bad, but this definitely isn't a day for sorting it out. So nevermind!

    I'll contact You later.

    ~Yours Saraty


      553 views Share    

  • Landscape

    Tuesday, Jun 19, 2007 6:51AM / Members only

    Hokay. It's 2 am and I finally have finished a picture for my boyfriend's mom!
    Hope she will like it... :)


      609 views Share    

  • Picture of Old Riga

    Thursday, Jun 14, 2007 3:03PM / Members only


    I should be working now, but I'm writing a blog instead. Oh well....

    Next week I will have a vacation anyway. Finally!!! I'm going to Austria to meet my boyfriend, which lives there. Yea, for more than a year, we're coping with a long-distance relationships: I'm a Latvian girl, and he's Austrian boy. ^_^

    Yesterday, I was in a centre of Riga, searching for some present for his parents (I haven't met his family yet). There were loads of beautiful souveniers around. Especially I enjoyed artworks of Old Riga- wooden framed pictures with old houses and narrow streets. Than my friend came up with an idea- "Hey, You can do it.. Draw them a picture of Riga!!" That was a great idea. I bought a small wooden frame, searched for some city-scape example in internet (that took me quiete some time actually..), and painted a picture of one of the historical places of Old Riga! Wheeeeeee... :D

    I have never drew cities before. At least not in the way, they were exposed in streets. But really love this style of painting. It's simple and beautiful. But what I really do like about this small present of mine, is the fact, that it's very personal. I like creating things and when I do, I put my all love and effort into them. This is a way, I can express my gratitude.

      532 views Share    

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  • posted on Thursday, Dec 30, 2010 8:21PM  [Report]
    Happy New Years from everyone at alivenotdead.com!
  • posted on Monday, Jun 21, 2010 12:19PM  [Report]
    Happy Birthday sweetie
  • Official artist 
    posted on Monday, Jun 21, 2010 1:15AM  [Report]
    Dear Saraty,
    Congratulations and Happy Birthday! Your wedding picture on deviantART looks so beautiful and so sweet!! BTW, I love all of you new artwork including I SHINE, LET ME BE YOUR LIGHT and FREEDOM!
  • posted on Monday, Jun 22, 2009 6:54AM  [Report]
    Hey there.!!!It's been so long. Just wanted to stop by and wish you a VERY HAPPY B IRTHDAY!!!!! Take care sweety!
  • posted on Sunday, Jun 21, 2009 12:00PM  [Report]
    dear~happy birthday~~have u received my e-mail? u have disappeared for such a long time and i cannot get u...
  • posted on Sunday, Mar 8, 2009 5:18PM  [Report]
    Nice to meet you!!
    I loved you pics when I saw your art~~!!
    I am soooooo excited!! ~~
  • Official artist 
    posted on Tuesday, Jul 1, 2008 8:32PM  [Report]
    Happy belated birthday! My husband's birthday is also on 6/24!
  • Official artist 
    posted on Tuesday, Jul 1, 2008 8:30PM  [Report]
    Just wonder how you have been doing...
  • posted on Tuesday, Jun 24, 2008 4:47AM  [Report]
    Thought I'd drop in to say hey its been awhile and happy birthday. Take care and I hope all is well..
  • posted on Saturday, Feb 9, 2008 10:41PM  [Report]
    Very beautifull picture , thanks
  • posted on Friday, Dec 21, 2007 12:42PM  [Report]
    glad to hear from you~~where have you been these days? i'v send you e-mail for several times but, unfortunately, there's no reply~~how are everything going? actually, many things happened to me~~and i also disappeared from this website quite a while until i saw your comment recently~~
  • Official artist 
    posted on Saturday, Nov 24, 2007 12:18AM  [Report]
    Hi. This is Wong Wong. I am using my real name now as AnD has upgraded me to become a featured artist. It's been a long time that we have not heard from you. Really want to know how you have been and looking forward to sharing some of your experiences.
  • posted on Saturday, Sep 29, 2007 8:48PM  [Report]
    now why didn't you told me that you are that good to draw? not exactly the drawning style i like most, but those are so darn cool still:)
  • posted on Saturday, Sep 29, 2007 8:39PM  [Report]
    now some new drawnings would be ready, i just have tp get home to scan 'em. so they are comin next weekend:) you asked to inform^^
  • posted on Sunday, Aug 19, 2007 9:42PM  [Report]
    hi sweetie.. thanks for popping by my page.. hehe..=) nice to meet you.
  • posted on Sunday, Aug 19, 2007 3:52AM  [Report]
    I will, i will
  • posted on Sunday, Aug 19, 2007 3:04AM  [Report]
    I will, when i get one of the almost good ones finished. and thanks for comment
  • posted on Saturday, Aug 18, 2007 2:01AM  [Report]
    I like your artwork, you are very talented :)

    And your picture is cool too
  • posted on Thursday, Aug 16, 2007 10:13AM  [Report]
    hey thanks for stopping by!
  • posted on Tuesday, Aug 14, 2007 10:30AM  [Report]
    Thanks for your compliment, Saraty. I was under a lot of stress from work last year, so I decided to do one painting a night before I went to sleep. I am just an amateur. BUT, you are such a talented artist.

    I did not know anything about Riga/Latvia, so I used Google Earth and Wikipedia. Your home is so beautiful with the rich history and notable architecture. I hope you will post pictures to educate me a little in the future.
  • More comments >

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  • The more I know about myself, the easier for me is to understand reasons of my own behavior.
  • Age: 28
  • Gender: Female
  • Total visits: 13,382

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