Noting unusual happened today, just being there gave me a certain feeling.
It is a simple house with one broken door and few lighted windows in between a snowy meadow. That's the final sight I caprured in my mind, before our car turned over the corner and left.
We brought some nice Christams presents to an 70 years old woman with 9 years old child. He was all jumpy, when my dad put on the table few bottles of drinkable joghurt, since in the shops around they hardly sell any.
There was a happy family once. Many years ago though. The doors to shed were latched, ever since the mother of small guy, ended up her life in suicide there. Such a hollow and abanoded place right after a backyard in a front of the house.
7 years has passed since his father died in an accident. I think he was drunk, back then, when he tried to drive a small tractor home from the field. Tractor was found later that day - lying in a half meter deep ditch near their house.
Last year, a grandfather passed out. He was constantly drinking. Ever since i remember him. He got a cancer. And something else that shortened up his life considerably.
Granny. She's still holding. She has to be strong for rising up her small grandson. Outwardly she didn't seem to be sad anymore. Maybe only because she knows, that her live is slowly coming to an end as well.
We talked about a lot of random things today. I told her, how's the life in city has changed during the past years. I also told her about me and she told me about herself in return. Behind a smile on old lady's face I felt unbearable sadness of memories, which were kept in this house, imprisoned for years. I wonder what it takes to find a strenght to continue.. I keep wondering about that everytime I see her. But never showed anyone that it really bothers me. Because staying emotionally distant is the only way I can get over and visit her time after time. For someone it might sound familiar, for other maybe strange, weird or confusing. I'm not about to explain my feelings. I don't want to dig deeper in other people's pain, because i'm too weak for that. Sitting in a front of an old window i observed snowy meadows, trees, bushes and sandy road curling away deep into the woods. And random thought about people, being the same cold as this frosty ground under their feet, ran through my mind. Thought about me being one of them, since i need it for not starting to cry and look so unbelievable silly in the other people eyes. I don't want to be questioned about certain emotions which echoes my past. It's so simple and so complicated in the same time, that it feels like it was never easier to get completely lost.
I don't have anything to regret since me and my family helps them insofar as we can. I know, they are grateful. And I know, it makes me happy. That balances my fragile fear of thoughts and feelings I get from sensing things deeper.
One day, there will be no house on that place. Or it might me completely restored, erasing all the traces of past and present. Owned by someone else. Noone will be able to recall the memories better then the ones, who still exist. And then... Story will be forgotten. prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /
Recently I thought about how happy one can be, if having balace between theirselfes and things around. Inner balance calms your feelings, whatever they are. So that feelings can be controlled. Actually, once your mind is calm, there's no need to control it. Silent mind makes feelings guiede your steps and actions in a best possible way. Ruined balance leads to confusion, what simply blocks your ability to follow the right feelings. Circle.
At the moment there are two important rules I follow:
''Controlling things means giving things, what they want''
''I don't know where I'm walking and why. I just know I have to go on.''
Now about me: Despite all attempts to get myself back, as I was before, failed! Does that really proves the good old fact of ''neverending movement towards unknown'', where every single life form, in order to grow, needs to change? A year ago I considered changes as a desireable thing. But once these changes reached me too deep, I started to be beware. Things, that other people dosen't even recognize, can harm me pretty much. Just as I can harm someone, when feeling bad enough for letting myself to be harmed. Another circle. It's unbelievable, how certain actions, what, most probably, wasn't done on intention, can reach a depths of myself and ruin almost every part of my personality! So, who am I now? My understandance about people (including myself) has become very limited, because of their beliefs and expectations. People differ between each other much more, than we originally expect them to differ. Yet all the complicated things contains a simple basics. And lately I came up with a quote, what is: ''Not the man, who can make a simple thing look complicated, is wise, but the one who makes complicated thing look simple again''. So, whoever I am, I guess I have travelled too far from undeniable truth about ''Be nothing, know everything. Know nothing, be everything.''
Hi everyone! :)
First of all I want to thank You all for a wonderful words about my art here! I never expected to get so much feedback. You guys are really great! ^_^
And well.... I'm back from a vacation. It was wonderful time, however this journey has changed a few certain things in me. I don't know whether it's good or bad, but this definitely isn't a day for sorting it out. So nevermind!
I'll contact You later.
Next week I will have a vacation anyway. Finally!!! I'm going to Austria to meet my boyfriend, which lives there. Yea, for more than a year, we're coping with a long-distance relationships: I'm a Latvian girl, and he's Austrian boy. ^_^
Yesterday, I was in a centre of Riga, searching for some present for his parents (I haven't met his family yet). There were loads of beautiful souveniers around. Especially I enjoyed artworks of Old Riga- wooden framed pictures with old houses and narrow streets. Than my friend came up with an idea- "Hey, You can do it.. Draw them a picture of Riga!!" That was a great idea. I bought a small wooden frame, searched for some city-scape example in internet (that took me quiete some time actually..), and painted a picture of one of the historical places of Old Riga! Wheeeeeee... :D
I have never drew cities before. At least not in the way, they were exposed in streets. But really love this style of painting. It's simple and beautiful. But what I really do like about this small present of mine, is the fact, that it's very personal. I like creating things and when I do, I put my all love and effort into them. This is a way, I can express my gratitude.
There is no point of searching enemies around. The real enemy is inside ourselfes.
During years, I still haven't learn how not to destroy my own happiness, for which I have been working so hard. For one part I'm pretty introvert person. I prefer to stay silent rather than speak. When it comes to disagreements, I often am in a lack of understanding. It becomes really hard to listen carefully, what other person says. Or rather, every word what person says, sounds like an insult. It leads to a simple, but very destroying thing, called, anger. So far, my anger is an aspect, from what I'm afraid most of all. I do not normally shout on others or hit things. I do not scream or run around either. Instead I turn silent and simply stop speaking. This way I harm myself very much because I don't realase my anger completely. Some part of it always remains inside and eats me alive..
I don't know how to overcome this. Maybe because, in spite everything I just said, there are still countless contradictions inside myself, which I don't understand yet. So, I cannot fight against something I don't know! To challange difficulties means to know what these difficulties are.
Yesterday, before I went to sleep, I thought about it all over again. And came to conclution, that I am far not the one want to be. I never wanted to realized how hard it actually is, to change several undesireble things in me. Because these things don't lie in other's, but lies in my own attitude towards them.
Things changes so fast. Sometimes I used to stop and ask myself "why?". People come and go. People who I know change. Deep in my heart I want them to stay. But I'm forced to let them go. I need to accept, they are different. Far not the one I loved once..
I'm afraid to get lost in this crowd of strangers. Same faces, but different souls. And dire awareness, that I cannot get anyone back. They seem to know better how to be. Or it's just a mask what covers their vunerable hearts from cold world?..
Nothing is still. All I see is neverending movement towards unknown. Why did I suddenly stopped? It made me defenseless...
People often judge others without knowing them. Don't do that!
Lately I avoid saying, that I know people, even if I think I do.
We can compare one's world with a waxing moon- we see only bright side of it, the rest is covered by darkness. As the bright side grows, we often fall into false sense of security. But even if it's full already, You never should forget, that what You actually see, is still just a half!
So, do not try to explore ones depths for making conclutions, which are based on Your opinion anyway. Take a harder way and open Your mind for listening.
Welcome to my little world! :)
I found this website yesterday, when I came home from training. As usually- I was far too thrilled to fall asleep, so I took some time to drink a tea and search for an information about different styles of Martial Arts. Casually I got here.
What's the purpose of becoming a member? I guess I'm here for finding an answers. Though I still doubt, they can be found so easily..
Long time ago, I was thinking about creating my own Taekwondo blog. Idea failed, because I hardly ever wrote someting about my trainings. Maybe I just haven't find a right place where I could share my opinion. I wrote small articles for myself. They helped me understand a progress I slowly made and helped me not to give up, when it was getting really hard.
I am just a follower. I follow those, from whom I can learn. Different people and different things are my best teachers.
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