Nashville, Tennessee is my favorite place in the United States.  Ask me two years ago- three even- and I would have said the same thing.  Even after living in the Bay Area for as long as I have, I still love Nashville more.  I hate Tennessee, but love Nashvegas. Nashville is a fresh breath of air to the South.  It's relatively liberal, diverse and really fun.  Everyone here is a musician it seems (and not only country music!), and if they aren't then they are an artist of some kind, which I love.  The best part is the COMMUNITY of artists.  Artists actually work together here instead of against one another like they do in the Bay Area.  In the Bay Area, everyone is looking to better themselves instead of helping friends or even just including them.  I know this isn't the experience for everyone, but this is my personal experience, and it sucks.   I have lived in the Bay Area for nearly two years, and I still have managed to have more friends in Nashville despite the fact I have never actually lived there.  In fact, I have probably only spent the total amount of a month or two in Nashville in my three years of visiting my best friend from high school who relocated here.   At this point in my life, I would pack up my life and move here (here being Nashville, of course, because I'm still here).  I really thought about it.  I'd be willing to give up everything in the Bay to be here.  Right now, I am so freaking happy.  It's been so long since I've been this happy.  The only reason why I won't at this point is so I can finish school at Mills before I move, but I really see Nashville in my future.  I don't know... my dad's family is from Alabama and I have always loved the South.  I'm a southern girl, on top of being a city girl.  You know what the perfect solution is?  A southern city- Nashville.

    Hurray for today being one of the last days of my junior year in college.  I have so much work to do that it is kind of ridiculous.  I probably shouldn't be blogging instead, but whatev.  

I've been working on snake style at Wushu, and it's been pretty enjoyable.  I'm pretty awkward still, but the style is so sexy! Seriously, I think I'm more awkward that anything because you have to move in sexy ways like shaking your butt.  I really love working with Sifu Patti because she really helps everyone find moves that really work well with their own style and flavors.  For example, I'm doing snake, but I have a section that has a roundoff back tuck in it.  Granted, it's extra not cute right now because I still feel nervous to try new things, but hopefully it will look great soon!  

Wushu has been really great since CMAT.  The atmosphere of Wushu West has really been positive, which is a nice change.  There such a safer space to try new things and take risks.  It's really awesome to see my amazing teammates trying new things and being really supportive of one another.  To be apart of that is really special.

I leave for Illinois on Friday.  I'll be gone for 3 weeks.  It's going to be a great trip.  As soon as I get back on Friday, I leave on Saturday for Carbondale, which is my old campus town.  I'm going with a group of friends in order to shoot a short film.  After I get back to Streator, my hometown, and spend some time with my parents, I'm heading down to Nashville, my favorite place in the United States.  Seriously, I effin' love Nashvegas.  I'm probably only going to spend like 4 or 5 days there, but I have made plans to spend my entire winter break there next year.  

After I get back from Nashville, I'm going to spend the rest of the time just thinking.  I really need a break in order to gather my thoughts and figure out my next step.  Moving back to Illinois is still on the table, and at times, seems like such a great option.  But I really need the time to weigh the pros and the cons because this is a huge decision.  

Okay, well I have tons more thoughts to share, but I really should be in the library doing this stupid required online class that teaches you how to use the internet.  Ummm... really, Mills College?  

    

I am only making it public for feedback on how to improve my skills. The text is crap, but that happened after I exported it.

It is amazing what a good Wushu practice can do for your life.  Tonight's practice was beautiful.  I am so lucky to be surrounded by the great people who also study at Wushu West.  With our ups and downs, I still love and appreciate them very much.  Tonight I started tumbling again and landed my round-off back somee (a back handspring without hands) after not even attempting it since I was like twelve.  I feel like I've had a really great breakthrough.  Before I did the flip, I thought to myself, "I'm going to get a lot of air and land this," and I did!  I feel like I'm finally understanding the power of a determined mindset.

Overall, my day was kind of crappy.  It was the last day of classes before finals, and my whole life was due.  Unfortunately, I wasn't done with all the work so I had to deal with furrowed eyebrows and sighs of disappointment from professors.  The positive thing is that I totally just walked into the library and got a job.  Working on-campus is going to be so much better than having to travel all the way to the city (San Francisco) to work at some crappy retail store.  With my extensive (and obviously boring) job history, I'll be doing what I'm good at... archiving old books some geezer wrote forever ago, lots of data entry and sitting silently doing Wushu forms in my head.  It's gonna be great!  What makes it even better is that I'll be taking this Mandarin class this summer, so this job will force me to be in the library so I'll have to study.  It's perfect!

After incessantly freaking out about what to do with my life and reading my dear friend Mark's comment on my last blog, I really feel pretty chill about everything (or it could be the Wushu high, who knows?).  I talked to my lovely coach and she suggested that I just stay in China after the next time we go as a school, which will be summer 2009.  My response to myself was... "DUH!  Why didn't I think of that?"  I only have two semesters left in college, so I'll be graduating May 2009. I figure I can go to China until I get bored with that then come back for grad school and try to be a big kid, I guess.

I also decided to not move back to Illinois because.... seriously... that would be ridiculously dumb.  There are perks to living in IL- family, friends, old life- but I moved here for a reason.  It's kind of like Mark had suggested... Figure out what you want and then just do it, basically.  I already did that when I moved to California.  Moving here was my dream so I need to stop whining about not eating and just make it better.  I'm going to continue to make some films (after I can save up enough to buy a camera), practicing Wushu like CRAZY, and raise my GPA back to its once kick ass level.  I really want to go to Berkeley for grad school, so I'm gonna make it happen. 

Passing out... Wushu high crashing.... Sleep.

At (almost) 21, I have a lot to show for myself in my opinion.  I was the director of the Saluki Rainbow Network at Southern Illinois; a senator for the Undergraduate Student Government; research assistant for two psychological research laboratories (at the same time); graduated early from high school and started college at 17; can play 16 instruments; left Illinois with a fantastic dance reputation; became the youngest girl in Illinois to get a black belt in Tae Kwon Do (I was 8); had dinner at Applebee's with the president of Southern Illinois University, Carbondale during my first semester; my awesomeness was discussed by the president, vp, and chancellor of SIUC;left SIUC with a 4.0 and an honors student; and am now learning wushu and have already won 2 silvers and a gold.  All these things I accomplished while dealing with depression (even the 8 year old thing).  But now, I'm stuck.

Living in California has sucked the life out of me.  I accomplished all those things because I knew it would get better one day.  I always knew I would end up living here.  The problem is that when I got here, my life didn't improve; in fact, it got worse.  I cannot keep up with the high cost of living, which caused me to have to work full time, which caused me to start doing mediocrely in school.  Trust me, I do not do anything mediocrely, but I'm just out of energy...  That's why I wanted to run away to China.  I figured I would have a chance away from my life here, and have time to get un-depressed.  I can't go to China because I can't afford it and I need to just graduate from college and get it over with.

I have begun to wonder now that I am reflecting on my life whether or not my life was better in poopy ole southern Illinois.  I was doing better academically, socially, financially and coping with my depression.  I moved here because I hoped it would be better- less racists, more opportunities, more people- but I'm beginning to feel like it was all an illusion.  Now that I have finally gotten a taste of what I moved out here for (film production), it makes it harder for me to leave, but I really do believe my life was better there.  Honestly, the biggest reason why I don't want to leave is Wushu.  It's funny bc that's actually the first things people around me have said... "But what about Wushu?  That's like... your LIFE"

I'm really torn what to do as of August.  Should I move back and just graduate from SIUC?  They have better academic opportunities, but no career opportunities or professional development beyond the classroom, but I also have family, friends, and an old life to go back to.  Or, do I stay here where I'm poor (and not eating very often because of lack of funds... no, seriously), doing mediocrely in school, and really lonely, but have a more prestigious school (with so-so academic opportunities) and tons of professional development opportunities?  AND WHAT ABOUT WUSHU??!!  I just don't know what to do!!!!