i put some zeppelin on last night while getting ready to meet a friend for drinks and had a flashback memory.

i’m maybe 14 or 15, chatting on aol with a boy i met in a chat room — one of the few ways i could connect with the world at large those days…the world outside my sheltered chinese household.

the boy i was chatting with loved zeppelin, therefore i loved this boy.  i was eager to indulge in my newly purchased classic rock selects from columbia house.  he told me his favorite song was the rain song.  i hadn’t listened to that one yet, so i scrambled to play it in my cd player, and shit…it was sooooo good.

i talked to him as if it was my longtime favorite.  as if i was cool enough to have discovered it through my ex hippie parents or some uber hip older sibling.  i was trying to claw my way into a different reality.  a different culture.  a counterculture.  something different.  anything different.  something that represented freedom.  something that represented expression.

i fantasized about having parents that played the beatles for me when i was small.  i pretended that i had grown up air guitaring to hendrix, singing joplin’s lyrics, or losing my mind to the grateful dead.  instead i bought them all for a penny, but only if i promised to purchase four more cds at full price.

i scavenged whatever information i could from Dazed and Confused, from my friends and their parents, from books, magazines, old yearbooks, thrift stores.  anything.  in college i faked what i could about the extent of my musical knowledge.  the who?  oh… The Who… erm, yeah…love em.  i listened faithfully to classic rock stations.  i watched documentaries about haight ashbury.  i saw phish.  i dropped acid.

i am a late bloomer.  it’s nobody’s fault.

now here i am, having started a career in the arts “late.”  shhhhhhhhhhit.

my birthday is approaching.  sometimes i trick myself into thinking that time is my enemy — that it’s something that could run out on me if i don’t hurry the fuck up.  here i am, looking like a baby, but knowing the truth and wondering if that will sabotage me.  aye.  in reality these thoughts are what sabotage.

all i can do is push harder and be as authentic as possible.  be true to myself.  love myself.  and never give up.

these days i truly appreciate the depth my upbringing gave me.  i am who i am because of my struggles.  i love that i come from another culture.  i love that i had something to fight for.

i am eternally grateful for all the opportunities that have come my way.  they are truly gifts.  i am so blessed.

to all you other late bloomers out there:  never give up.

never ever ever give up.

from my shoot this summer with lee clower

but this made me so sad

i think baxter is sexier.

from my shoot this summer with lee clower

sometimes i poison myself with negative thoughts.

i have to remind myself constantly to change those thought patterns when they start to creep up — pessimistic, self defeating, highly personalized, isolating kind of thoughts [shudders].

some of you asked why i got my tattoos.  on one side it says, “pain is inevitable” and on the other, “suffering is optional.”  i wanted them to be a reminder to myself about releasing negative thought patterns, but i didn’t realize to what extent the ink’s power held…haha.  today on my commercial shoot for american farmer’s insurance, i was asked three times what my tattoos meant before i covered them.  over the last two weeks many other people have also asked.  these two little strings of pretty letters are opening up all kinds of positive discussion amongst strangers.  i love that.

today we talked about how important it is to live in the moment and appreciate what we do have in our lives.  there are so many people who are much less fortunate, and yet we get caught up feeling sorry for ourselves because of a breakup, or a car breaking down, not getting that gig we wanted, or someone being an asshole BLAH BLAH BLAH…jesus, sometimes i can’t understand how people can even say they’re having a “bad day.”  what?  are you starving?  do you have a roof over your head?  clothes on your back?  is that a freaking iphone in your pocket?  of your designer jeans?  sheeesh.

we should all be SO happy.  we should all be SO grateful.

i have my health.  i have my family.  i have my friends.  i have food to eat and clean water to drink.  i have more than i could ever need.  i am so grateful.  i am so so grateful.  thank you thank you thank you so much.  i promise not to take anything for granted.

F U toxic thoughts.  you gotta leave my brain.  i know that sometimes you’re gonna slip in, and i get that — there is no light without dark yada yada — i can respect you.  but guess what?  you’re only here to remind me how great i’ve really got it.

so, thank you.

now get the eff out.

as in it’s still freaking hot outside.  i’m craving the cold.  you know, like one of those wonderfully crisp nights where the perfect nesting temp can only be created with the help of a lover.  meow…

BUT, fall is great for other things, such as a busier commercial world.  i’ve been auditioning more and booked a national spot for American Farmer’s Insurance.  sweet.  AND, i’m on avail for a Sprite commercial starring and directed by Jay Chou.  rad rad.  keep your fingers crossed for me.

also great, but annoying is Halloween.  this year i decided i would milk every last drop out of the skeleton hoodie i bought for the BaO video and wore it for Dia De Los Muertos and Halloween.  made this season so much more enjoyable because i didn’t have to come up with some stupid shit costume.  not to mention it is the most comfortable thing EVER — the total antithesis to all the skimpy outfits that bitches all over our country don on this day.  anyhow, some photos:

my neighbor Tomi Monstre wins for best roboho

da hoodie

Benzo my partner in crime that night

lucifer doing some biznatch before we go

anahiiiiiiiiiii

the grand entry way

glow mouse head

audrey

freaking fantastic

a lady in the loo

benzo caught fraternizing with a booty ho

dilated

lock

i found some booty hos too

but i don't think they be ho'en it for my team

note passing since 1992