Wednesday, Jun 18, 2008 1:51AM /
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i am single now, feeling a bit lonely, but i am still thinking positively, thanks to the virtual world. tell you one stupid thing, i have set up an ad at match.com, and although i probably won't attract anyone there, it does provide a place to anchor my feelings of loneliness. we'll see what happens, and i am seriously considering paying a monthly fee to increase my chances of getting hooked. haha.
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Wednesday, Jun 18, 2008 1:37AM /
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i think i have blogged about this theme in the past, about giving up having high hopes in creative work. but now it's definite, i am giving up taking theatre freelance jobs. i just don't have the sense to work with other people professional. i feel so differently from other people when i hear sounds...i cannot satisfy other people. i just think too differently. i rather spend my time taking care of my girlfriend or my wife, if i am lucky enough. why i say "if i am lucky enough" is that i just dumped two nice girlfriends in the past 2 months, seems i have used up huge amounts of luck and i am out of quota. focusing my energy on living with someone you love is more rewarding than spending energy on something you like. that's the mistake i made in the past. i thought spending energy on someone you love is wrong because there will be no reward. and that spending energy on art and theatre is more rewarding, crazy idea. you create a masterpiece, but you cannot live it, or vice versa. it is a person that you live with. so bear in mind that you readers.if you want to enjoy life, devote time on the person next to you, since he/she will interact with you 24/7, don't devote time on SOMETHING. anyway, walking away from theatre and creative work makes me feel relaxed, i have never felt so relaxed before, it's like taking away a lot of weight from my shoulders. i know i am talented, but i can use such talent in my daily life rather than in the theatre. i used to feel pissed at my gf because she is taking up a lot of my leisure time that should be allocated to achieving something in theatre, but i was wrong. and it is a mistake i regret.
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Wednesday, Jun 18, 2008 1:21AM /
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respect to tracy. thank her for reading all the emails i sent her when i am emotionally confused these 2 weeks. you always need a friend like this when you out of a relationship or thinking back about missed relationships. this friend doesnt need to say anything much, this friend is there just to listen. and then , the more you talk, you'll slowly reorganize your thoughts, and then you will end up with some practical solutions. it's like magic, it's like how a wound would heal itself. you just need some catalyst, and this friend is the catalyst. anyway, not all people work this way, but respect to tracy anyway. she has tonnes of work to do but still she read all my emails, i owe her one.
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Wednesday, Jun 18, 2008 1:11AM /
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today i watched the last 30 minutes of "the break up". it is inspiring. all movies can be inspirational, not just art films.the break up inspired me because its about sth i just recently encountered - a break up , of course. but most significant in those 30 minutes is about realizing one's mistakes - too late to turn things around. and when you think that realizing one's mistakes is all that matters between 2 people, timing is another crucial factor. after damage is done and time has past, it's too late, you never get 2nd chances, because it's about feelings in the other half's heart. it makes sense that, if one person realizes the mistakes he has made then problems will be solved, but it doesn't happen this one when 2 people are in love, when the feeling has changed, then your relationship changes. this morning, i dreamt of my past lover who treated me so well that i was so blinded by love i acted in excess and then abandoned her because she cannot satisfy my excessive demands...in the dream, we returned to being lovers, me vowing not to commit the same mistakes as before, and then when i woke up , i decided to write her a letter and try to convince her to get back into a relationship with me, and then i thought for a long time how to write this letter, and then i saw "the break up" and then realizes that, it will never be the same as before, as i have treated her badly and dumped her. its a miracle that she is still pretty now and not ugly and depressed, because i realized that she tried very hard to recover from the wounds i inflicted on her, and now that she has put me away from her mind, she is able to return to normal life and dress up and make up and come into the world with confidence, and then she will not spend a minute risking to be hurt by me in the future. it's none of her business if i still miss her and love her and wanting to be with her and even marrying her, it is sad but true, none of her business anymore, from the minute i dumped her, from the minute that i choose another girlfriend instead of reconciling with her . her feeling towards me has changed forever, end of story.
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Tuesday, Jun 17, 2008 1:08AM /
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i used to be living with a girl that loves me, and she is also someone i love. but i just blew it 2 months ago. because i stuck to some stupid beliefs. i believed that i should be an artist instead of a family guy. so i quit her home, and then rent a small place and started living on my own thinking this is the best place i can be in. thinking that relieving myself of family duties and boyfriend duties would allow me to allocate more time to do creative work. i was totally wrong. i dont make a living out of doing art, and i dont think i will enjoy doing so. right now i am working in a school and i enjoy this working environment. i dont think i enjoy working in a studio for 10 hours each day, i rather see some kids running around. so what the hell was i thinking when i broke up with that loving girlfriend who almost gave me a home and lots of love...too much love make me feel confined to being in love? thats crazy. i had been very crazy. the past month, i spent with a girl who i thought would be a perfect girlfriend, one who supports my creative work, but sadly, she doesnt care much for a stable life and taking care of herself, its demanding to look after her and do creative work at the same time. and i break up with this girl too, because i have awoken and realized i prefer living a simple life and doing creative work once in a while. i enjoy taking care of my girlfriend and getting married. i just think its wonderful to be able to do so. but right now, i am just filled with regret. as i always do.
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