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• the letter to my ex ex gf in english

  Sunday, Jun 22, 2008 11:31AM / Standard Entry

  it is sunday morning now and i am waiting for lunchtime to arrive, and since there is some time before i can cook some noodles for my lunch, i decided to take a few moments to translate the letter to whoever who is looking at my blog and doesn't know a lot of chinese.
  
  here is the letter:
  
  hi,
  there is something that i want to tell you, (don't worry, what i am about to say doesn't have any negative energy).i wanted to tell you these long ago, but since you will be busy at work preparing for the school examinations, so i have waited until now to tell you. i know i can be tedious when writing letters, so i choose to express my thoughts in point form.
  
  i have seen that now you have changed your dressing style and even started to put on makeup, so i guess you will be entering a new relationship soon, so i want to tell you something.in the past, i know i had said a lot of insensible things to undermine your confidence in being someone's girlfriend, but thinking back, you had been a wonderful girlfriend, and there is nothing bad about you, the only bad things that i can remember is that i have demanded too much from you and giving so little. you know how to love someone, so don't shy away from being someone's lover.
  
  i had went to see counselling, and now my emotions are getting more restrained, the counselling friend told me that there maybe something in my blood that causes me to be so moody, and advised me to eat more bananas. and also i have decided to make creative work more like a hobby instead of something to kickstart a new phase in my career, so i am feeling more relaxed now. my tempers have reduced, and i stopped thinking so negatively about myself. now i just want to live a simple life, and to treat my other half very very nicely.
  
  i guess now you must be busy with correcting the examination papers, so i will stop here.
  
  i know what i say will make you feel uncomfortable, so i won't be sending you any more emails.
  
  Fai
  
  08/06/22
  
  P.S. the past 2-3 months i have gone through much introspection,  and i realized what i had done wrong in the past  in our relationship,  and now i know how  to love a person, so i broke up with my gf last week, because i want to save my love for you. i had not loved this gf, because i had been thinking about you all the time. since i had been very harsh to you, so i have used this gf to help  me learn how to be nice to someone , and how to be a good bf. now that i have completed my lesson...but i will bear in mind what you once told me, "it's my decision to dump you and find another gf, so how i am feeling is none of your business." on the other  hand, i also know you had put in a great deal of effort to put me out of your mind, to start life anew. but, i don't want to regret because i had not sent you this email, i don't want to regret in the future for not having told you all this, because you are the best thing that had happened to me.
  
  
  

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• waking up is a magical thing

  Sunday, Jun 22, 2008 2:08AM / Standard Entry

  some days ago i decided to quit drama altogether, unless i have to approach it in the school i work in. today, after attending a meeting for an inter-school drama competition for the students of the school i work in, i sort of woke up. maybe i should not be so cruel and cold. give myself a chance. so i would probably start work on the drama sound design i almost gave up on. although it makes me feel like such a loser. but it is just about passion, i still have a small passion for drama. and one more thing, prior to sending the email to my ex ex gf, i almost went to compose a song for her to stir up her emotions and make her feel good about me, but no, i didn't have time, maybe i will compose it later this week, and i will post it here for you guys and gals to hear, it definitely will give you all some laughs, haha. the song is about some cliche like learning to treasure things after losing it but it's always too late. will be some rap and some pop song stuff put together. yeah i have a lot of courage putting up so much embarrassing stuff in here, in this AnD blog, love emails, love songs, hope i won't give you a lot of nightmares.  thinking back i used to blame my ex girlfriends for hindering my creative work, because they take up my time my energy and my brain, like i need to remember her schedules, what she likes to eat and what she doesn't like to eat, etc etc...by now i know blaming is no good and the truth is, i am just too fucking lazy, i just watch the fucking tv when i have time. fuck myself for progressing to so slowly in creating some work. now i have woken up, i won't blame other for everything, i just have to stop being lazy.
  
  

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• i wanted to chicken out, but what the hell...

  Sunday, Jun 22, 2008 1:57AM / Standard Entry

  i promised to send an email to my ex-ex-gf, and i wanted to chicken out last night and this morning. since i had been very bad to her before i dumped her, so i know that even if we do get together somehow, i need endure a very long and difficult probation period to win back her affection, and since i would be changing jobs next month, i dont think i can handle that much business in my daily 24 hours , oh btw, i am going to get bankrupt very soon since i spend too much on myself, getting new shoes, new DC, new headphones, new loudspeakers (the one i was using was borrowed from my old company, and since i will be leaving, i need to return the loudspeakers).and i also i did spend a lot on my ex-gf...so starting a relationship during such a period won't be such a nice idea...no money, a new working environment, a demand probation with my gf...doesn't sound like a good combination. but thinking twice, since i have fucked up so badly in the past, it doesn't matter whether i would fuck things up further by send a seemingly harmless email, just a few hundred words, the worst that can happen is that my ex ex gf would phone me and fuck me up for sending such a disturbing email, and my ex ex gf would probably humiliate me by saying how irresponsible i am, dumping a girl meeting another girl, and going back to the ex gf, etc etc. but what the hell,  just send the email. but i rephrased a few paragraphs, so i won't sound like i am aggressively trying to win her back, instead, i put myself in a more passive position. this is more comfortable for me. so the situation won't turn out like this: my ex ex gf would ask me what would i have to offer if i  want to win her back. since i don't have much to offer, being aggressive doesn't sound like a good approach. by being passive, i can give my ex ex gf some space to think about our relationship - can it be renewed? maybe she would not reply my email at all. anyway i would keep you all informed of the situation.
  
  here is the update of the email i sent her:
  
  

  鄧:

   

  你好！

  我有些說話(絕無負能量的，放心)想跟你說很久了，可是知你考試會較忙，所以待現在才跟你說。我知道自己個人長氣，所以我會以point form爽快的說完便好了。

  看見你形象上改變了，又化了妝， 可能很快會進入另一段關係，所以我有少少東西想告訴你。我知道我以往說了很多不實在的東西打擊了你做別人女朋友的信心，但現在回想，你一切都做得很好。我回想過去兩年的事，真的記不起任何不爽的地方。我只記起自己對你太過份的地方。你是懂得如何去愛惜人的，不要收起。

  我找了輔導了，我情緒比以前好好多了。那個輔導的朋友說我可能是血清素低的那類人，容易情緒困擾，建議我多點下午吃蕉。另外，我對創作都沒有那麼執著要有成就了，整個人放鬆了很多。脾氣都少了許多。亦沒有了那些自怨自艾的想法。現在只想簡單的生活，如有機會，就專心對另一半好好好好。

  你都要忙著改卷了，我不說那麼多了。加油!

  我亦知道我的說話會令你不爽，所以我未來都不會再給你電郵了。

   

  輝

   

  08/6/22

   

  PS: 這兩三個月，我反省了許多。知道自己過往做錯了什麼事，亦知道自己應該怎樣去愛惜一個人。所以我上星期跟女友分手了，因為我想將我的愛留給你。我沒有真心愛過那個女友，我一直都想著你。因為我沒有對你好，所以我借那無辜的女友去學習如何對身邊的人好，及好好做別人的男人，現在學成了…不過，我有bear in mind你跟我說的話：「我曾經嫌棄你，我飛你，我選過另一個女友，都是我的選擇，關於我感情的事，都是none of your business。」另一邊廂，我知道你花了很大努力去放低我重新做人，所以以上東西沒有必要告訴你。可是，我不想因為沒有給你電郵，沒有告訴過你而抱憾終生，因為你是我一生中遇過最好的東西。

  
  
  
  

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• i decided to go for it and try m ex-gf

  Friday, Jun 20, 2008 1:37AM / Standard Entry

  as you all know, i still have a thing for my ex ex gf, so i decided to send her an email to check out if it is still possible for us to get together. i wrote this thing at 2am -3am last night when i had trouble sleeping, but strangely, my thoughts are quite organized, and i am able to express my thoughts clearly and neatly, but before i send her the letter, i decided to post it here, maybe someone can comment or stop me before it is too late. or if you like to stay quiet, you can read the letter as something funny. i plan to send the email on saturday morning, and i will keep you guys updated on what happened after i sent the email. wish me luck.
  
  

  你好！

  我有些說話(絕無負能量的，放心)想跟你說很久了，可是知你考試會較忙，所以待現在才跟你說。我知道自己個人長氣，所以我會以point form爽快的說完便好了。

  這兩三個月，我反省了許多。知道自己過往做錯了什麼事， 亦知道自己應該怎樣去愛惜一個人。所以我上星期跟女友分手了，因為我想將我的愛留給你。我沒有真心愛過那個女友，我一直都想著你。因為我沒有對你好，所以我借那無辜的女友去學習如何對身邊的人好，及好好做別人的男人，現在學成了，現在，我有信心問你，我可以約會你嘛？或幫你手搬屋。從中可讓你了解一下重生的輝。

  另一邊廂，我知道你花了很大努力去放低我重新做人，所以以上問題可能都沒有必要問，不過我是一個死心不息的人，所以都是問問。看見你形象上改變了，又化了妝， 可能很快會進入另一段關係，所以我有少少東西想告訴你。我知道我以往說了很多不實在的東西打擊了你做別人女朋友的信心，但現在回想，你一切都做得很好。我回想過去兩年的事，真的記不起任何不爽的地方。我只記起自己對你太過份的地方。你是懂得如何去愛惜人的，不要收起。

  我找了輔導了，另外再加上一些事，我情緒比以前好好多了。那個輔導的朋友說我可能是血清素低的那類人，容易情緒困擾，建議我多點下午吃蕉。另外，我對創作都沒有那麼執著要有成就了，整個人放鬆了很多。脾氣都少了許多。亦沒有了那些自怨自艾的想法。現在只想簡單的生活，如有機會，就專心對另一半好好好好。(如果你見到我在學校有點不快的樣子，多是因為不捨得離去，或是為電視台趕在我離職前完工憂心)

  你都要忙著改卷了，我不說那麼多了。加油!

  輝

  08/6/19

  PS: 我有bear in mind你跟我說的話：「我曾經嫌棄你，我飛你，我選過另一個女友，都是我的選擇，關於我感情的事，都是none of your XXXXing business。」可是，我不想因為沒有給你電郵，沒有問過你而抱憾終生，因為你是我一生中遇過最好的東西。

  
  
  
  

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• just not ready to sleep

  Thursday, Jun 19, 2008 12:47AM / Standard Entry

  trying to get comfortable emotionally to prepare myself for sleep isnt easy. although i mentioned before i am feeling more relaxed than before. but i just keep watching tv instead of lying on the bed. i dont know why. i sleep better alone on the bed, i should be motivated to go to bed alone. and also i have a stuffed penguin to accompany me, so i should be feeling good on bed. but no, i just shy away from the bed, until like 2am, and then i am so tired that i am forced to sleep. next day i wake up so tired that i have to sleep for almost an hour during work to keep myself functional. and then after work, i go home and take a nap at 5-6pm. seems like a vicious cycle. but i always had sleep problems in the past. i can like with it. this is a boring blog, because i am so tired right now and i am having a headache. thats the problem with blogs...i am so tempted to delete everything right now because it doesnt entertain the readers. but on 2nd thought, it doesnt matter, i am not making a living out of writing blogs so i dont care if people stopped reading today's blog after reading the 1st two lines. it's my right to write a boring blog. btw, i really like the new nike football ad shot in the 1st person view. it really makes you want to go "just do it". its an advancement over those CGI ads. finally an ad where you can feel the passion. seems like i have lost the passion in my life...so i am feeling so empty right now? but its a different kind of emptiness, it doesnt feel negative. its not the kind of emptiness that sucks energy out of you. its like taking a holiday from life right now, thinking nothing, doing nothing. its very enjoyable, this state of living.maybe i should go read some newspapers. yeah, i have fantasied doing a podcast where a few friends just sit together and read news papers and comment on the news, with some radical views trying to inspire people to think different, well it may not be a nice idea. sounds boring.
  
  
  

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