Wednesday, Jun 25, 2008 1:22AM /
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i woke up half an hour early this morning, and the reason? i dreamt of my ex ex gf the teacher telling me she is getting married and i am so pissed about it. i guess if someone is in my room that moment, i am sure he can hear me swearing in my sleep. i don't actually want her that much, but i don't know what i got the dream...must be some Freudian complications. but on the conscious level i don't miss her, i don't miss anyone, i don't miss anything...i have nothing to chase after suddenly...i realized. maybe i am putting myself on holiday right now. otherwise, there will be a lot of anxiety when there is nothing to chase after. what do i want right now? a drama friend asked me why has i lost confidence and passion in drama, and i said, it's no point trying to fit in the tastes of Hong Kong audiences, i just have to admit i don't have the talent, and the sky is blue once again, i don't have to feel underrated anymore. it's a release. maybe music, i will try my hand at making music, since i have listened to more than 100GB of mp3 over the years, i guess i must have developed a certain thing about music in myself. i am not listening to madonna and kylie for inspiration, haha, no haha, i am serious. making videos? yes i have studied about it in university, know a lot about it, have the knowledge and technical know how to do it, but just seems like i can never come up with a proper scrīpt. i write stuff, but then i doesn't seem to attract people to spend time or money on it. writing? writing blogs is satisfying enough already. girls? no girls, i prefer women. i don't care if they are old, they just have a certain charm over me, i like the way they dress, while girls with trendy looks doesn't exactly hit my sweet spots, maybe it is another Freudian complication again? what i want now? i dont have the answer yet. right now there are 3 things i need to do - 2 drama businesses i mentioned in the previous blogs, the third thing is to create my first 'pop' song, which i also mentioned before. i am so nervous actually, really afraid that i will get a lot of XDDDDDDDDDD s in reply to my song. i like music, when i go home in mongkok, i like to wander through the crowds with my headphones on, enjoying the party in my headphones, it is really geekish, but i am not that kind of geek, and i am not like those japanese loners who chose to be alone and IM all night then watch porn and jack off. (though i also do these things) i also enjoy interacting with my colleagues and friends and sometimes strangers. but headphone partying in the streets is also something i enjoy, freakish. but there is definitely one thing that i don't want right now, is to ruin another woman's life right now. i saw my ex ex gf the teacher today at work, we didn't spoke, but i can feel that she doesn't want love anymore in the future, because of me, and because of me, she will live alone, spend her off work hours doing school work and freelance work and watching TV. during the holidays. go running or traveling or taking some courses. and her life is over. just work and rest, these two things and nothing else, a really marxist life. no one to share her troubles at her bedside, mop the floor for her, enjoy her deliciously prepared meals. no more, because of me. i know i cannot make it up with her, so i will not destroy another person's life again. i definitely doesn't enjoy being a bad guy. i don't quite believe in relationships that are fabricated through girl chasing techniques or tactics, i believe there are some higher power organizing the relationships for me, so i will do my best in my next relationship, because i know she is the one, we can go along with just one click. it sounds really like BS, because you may accuse me of being lazy and not putting any effort in chasing girls, but i believe in this, and it worked in the past. people always look for the perfect relationship with no flaws, but i don't believe it, you always have to compromise something. and i always bear in mind this fact.and what is most important is, you live you own life actually, you cannot always demand your partner to assist you to live out your life. if you are bored, don't blame your partner,it's because you didn't organize any activities; if you are not feeling that your partner is helping you developed into a more versatile person, it's your fault, because it should be your responsibility to develop yourself. i can say this because i blamed my gf in the past for these things and then there is no love left. well enough of these boring unverified love theories. time for bed. but before bed i would like to think back of something i got from the supermarket today: ladyfinger biscuits. they taste really good. using them to make cakes is a waste. the photo at the bottom is not edible, it's my phone being touched up with some wallpaper kind of stuff.
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Monday, Jun 23, 2008 11:08PM /
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as for the email i send to my ex ex gf, i got to response, the intranet shows that she had read it, and she doesn't reply. so its all good, there is a closure. i can forget about her. i dont care if she hates me, thinks the letter is a real joke, or whatever, she is going out of my life definitely. i can look for something new to think about, like get to concentrate on two dramas i need to help on, one is for the students of the school i work in, its an open performance, so i need to be serious about it, today i have worked out the storyline with the kids, and i surely do like the story, it deals with karma and whether we should be dominated by things we done in the past, and the conclusion is we appreciate what we are having right now, and forget about the rest, another is a freelance i almost gave up on. but tonight to kick start my new life, i choose to watch a movie and relax a bit first. this is the third time i am watching "inside man" and i still enjoy it. maybe its because of clive owen, maybe its the fast pace of the movie, but i want to mention one thing, its jodie foster. she always gets my attention in this movie, i like her image in this movie, it sorts of turn me on - mature, nice looking suits, a professional image, that's what i like, i really like that character. and i like the ending, justice is served no matter what.tonight i cooked myself some fish and some vegetables to eat, well i know i am no jamie oliver, but i think its tastes ok and i dont mind eating it. i hope the pics wont make you sick. i dont mind sharing less and less things in this blog, but if you find it revolting, i am sorry.
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Monday, Jun 23, 2008 8:23AM /
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this morning, i was hoping to watch some euro 2008 soccer highlights on the news, but i spent almost 10 f**king minutes watching some housing property sale information...and they put this in the news? WTF! what does the property market have to do with the news? is it totally ridiculous. news are about current events happening in the world right now, right? but i dont think having someone analyzes the housing property market is something that is so significant to the masses, and the masses doesnt exclusively mean people who buy and sale housing property for a living or as a hobby, right? so this is why hong kong is so wrong...there is no life in hong kong, just to become a slave to housing property, so some rich people can use billions of dollars for their marriage shows, while other people suffer from wasting their lives just to be able to afford a roof over theirs heads, and people suffer from not able to see the real deal in the news each morning. WTF again. and the gov't will not do anything about this, they always put out the free market BS so they can help the property moguls lead money burning lives. i mean, if hong kong's economy isn't so reliant on housing property prices, there will be less social problems definitely. parents will lead more stress-free lives, and the children can grow up in more loving environments, people who just don't have talent or who are stupid can still lead self-sufficient lives rather then feeling ashamed and depressed. i mean if housing prices can be much lower, the mental state of hong kong people can be more healthy, because they use their minds on matters other than worrying all the time if they can keep a roof over their heads.
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Monday, Jun 23, 2008 12:56AM /
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i am not sure if i should be sharing such private things in the blog, but anyway, there is nothing to lose......i am not trying to impress anyone here anyway. so i have decided to destroy everyone's impression on me by posting something nice that i got back from the dry cleaners today. it's something that i bought at yahoo auctions, and it's something that cannot be easily bought outside ocean park. anyway check out the photo, it is this cute little thing that keep me sleeping during lonely nights, cheers.
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Monday, Jun 23, 2008 12:50AM /
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i sent out the letter through the company intranet late last night, and it shows when will she read the email. and until now, she hadn't read it. waiting for her response is distracting, i went to a football game today, worrying that she will call me up and scold me for an hour for being bad to my ex gf and making my ex ex gf feel uncomfortable. then i injured myself in the football match. someone kicked my leg and then my knee is slightly twisted, but no worries, i feel ok now.i play football almost every weekend, there are a lot of people who play football with no skills, they get angry on the football pitch easily, it seems their purpose of playing the sport is that they can relieve the stress from the weekday jobs, or the stress from family life. they just bump into people without touching the ball, and always falling down for no reason and pretend you hurt him very badly, and then they have weird theories like "since you are good with the ball, i am going to kick you, because i cant let to hang on to the ball all the time..." and i understand why there are still so many single women in hong kong, because some guys, really don't have any brains. back to the letter...i know had been very very bad to my ex gf, we still chat online, she still misses me. but its just hard to be with her...and yes i should be alone for some time before going into any relationship, and i don't really expect my ex ex gf to really get back to my side.it would be crazy if she can forget the break up before and pretend nothing has happened and date me like before. i am really worried that she will call me...if she called to scold me, then it would be a very mean conversation because she is a teacher, and if she ask me to renew the relationship with her, you just can't help thinking there must be some kind of conspiracy behind her actions. sunday always passes quickly, a football match, drinks with my football friends, went home, take the clothes and bed sheets to the laundry, cook some dinner, pack up my ex-gf's stuff, and the day whizzes by. and lucky that she hadn't read the email and called me, because late at night, when you are drowsy, you tend to say something wrong and ruin things.
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