Lost....I typed this word and then realise I am too lost to blog......

No words can explain what I have done to deserve this......
Nothing comforts me of what I have discovered....
No one can warn me about what I am embarking into....

All I want now is for the tears to run dry and the nightmare to be over.....

Alright, alright....I'll stop with the negativity in life and start focusing on attracting positive chi. That is....to push every bad thinking you have to the back of your mind and only think of the bright side.

I've just told a friend I am actually quite contented with my life right now. Not exactly what you would expect from someone who stay in a itsy bitsy study room, shares a one bedroom with 2 guys and have family a million miles away. By contented I don't mean going out to party every night or go shopping every consecutive day. My life is far from there. But contented as in a way I am happy for it to stay that way at least for the next few months. Ok, I admit. I lead quite a boring life....I wake up at 6:45am, start working at 8:30am, 30 mins lunch at 1:30, leave work at 5:30pm or 6:00, go home, eat, watch drama or online and sleep.....this routine repeats itself 5 times a week. And on the weekend, if I am lucky, I might get a glimpse of the sun or go have lunch or dinner outside.

Yeah...nothing to hu-ha about but at least I could say its stable. I've learn to deal with the fact that my relationship status is as messy as a 'Where's Wally' book. In fact, its soooo hard to even trace its existence. But I love the way it is. I love the fact that I am comfortable to be with him. At least, it felt a bit like family.

I have some people telling me I should not waste time and go out and know more people and carry on with life. But when you come to think about it, what happens when you get to know a guy, like him, fall in love and be together. That's it, you think? It's happily ever after just like that? If only life was that simple. The fact is, I don't believe in love anymore. I don't believe I'll fall in love with a guy and he'll always be the perfect one and only guy for me. Because I know, love is just like milk. It has its expiry date. And trust me, it does. And what happens when love becomes merely a memory? You break off and start the circle all over again?!!??! I have come to believe love has become a game of speedy passion. One day you have it and grasp it so hard you think you'll have it forever, the next thing you know, it has slipped off your fingers before you can even realise it. Love has become a time bomb, you don;t know when it's gonna go off and blow everything apart or if it's only a hoax.

And at this point of time, I still have yet to figure out what brings 2 person together for the rest of their life. But I am still skeptical about love. And I don't have the urge to go know new people, I don't have the urge to be loved or to love. Simply because I don't really have time for it. I'll have time for it if I trust it will bear me fruitful results. But at this point where love is such a pointless crap to me, I feel that if I ever have time, I'd rather put it to my career or my studies. At least those 2 are the ones that you know the results depends on the effort and not the emotions. Or at the very least you know knowledge follows you for the rest of your life while love can go off in a puff of smoke.

That is why I am putting everything aside. I don't wanna think if he's the right one. I don't even wanna know if I'll ever find the next one. I only know at this point, this second, this moment, I am contented with what I have now.....So, who cares what happens next.

Oh, out of random....I've learn a new quote today:

"Want to know the difference between involvement and commitment? It's like a egg and ham breakfast; the chicken is involved but the pig is committed."

And I find it soooooo amusingly true....

In 2 hours time, the clock will struck 12 and the big 2-5 will struck me. I am officially 25 years old in 2 hours time. I am a quarter of a century old, and if I am lucky, it would have been 1/3 of my life....gone.

My prayers were answered 4 weeks ago. I prayed I would get a full time fulfilling job before I turn 25...which I did. The problem is, when you have a fantastic job, chances are, you are gonna trade that with a shitty life. It’s like what ppl say, you are lucky in love means you’ll be the other way around when it comes to gambling.

When the weekend comes to an end, it will also mean I am no longer living in a place called my own. Ok, I don’t really own my apartment now. But just that being able to shuffle things ard without needing any permission, being able to laze around without fearing you might expose your bra or your undies......the feeling of being carefree in everything you do is the reason why the place you live in is call a HOME.

But I won’t be having that privilege from Monday onwards. His brother is coming to stay with us.....FOR GOOD. And having to do so in a open concept one bedroom apartment is like living hell. And for someone who works long hours and have to juggle between a job and studies on the weekend, its a even bigger HELL.

The problem is, I tried looking for shared accomodation outside but to no avail. The lady I spoke to today was GREAT. She had a little doggie with her and she totally understands my position and am more than happy to allow me to occasionally bring Rooney back with me. But the problem is, that place is CRAPPY. And the problem is, I am not even having a room of my own. The ‘room’ she meant was actually the attic.....attic with a slanting ceiling which is actually the roof of the house. The only attractive thing was that there was a window on the roof.....like those you see in movies where ppl can lay there and look at the stars upon the sky......other than that, that place wasn’t wat I was imagining.

Then I came home and realise that I feel extremely terrible because I am 25 and I don’t have the most basic thing in life now: a home. As a tradeoff for privacy, I sacrificed my beloved study area in exchange for a little room (with a door) that I can stay in and call it my own. And upon doing so, I understand that from now on, the place I am living in now has officially been trespassed. Not only I lose the space around the house, I lose the sense of security as well.

This is the first time in life I feel lost. I feel I had nobody around me to ask me how I am or to tell me everything will be fine. I have heard a lot of sorry’s and crap like that. And it has reached a point where I don’t crave for sorry’s anymore. I long for a break through on what I am facing now.

I used to see light at the end of the tunnel. But not this time.

I know one thing that is still mine though.....all the chores around the house. Pathetic, isn’t it. 25, homeless and having to live with 2 boys who are used to having a maid around the house.

Ah well, a big Happy Birthday to the homeless me.....

Gosh....It's been almost 3 weeks since I last blog! And there have been so many changes in life within this period...

I started my new job..... I am officially broke from overspending on my new wardrobe of workwear.... I haven't been having one nice decent meal for the whole week...
I went for a personal trainer trial at the gym...
I am suffering from a intense case of skin allergy... I watched Phantom of the Opera! And....I am looking for an apartment to move....

Crazy huh? Yeah.....work is good....I am spending more hours at work now, means poor Rooney baby is missing his mommy most of the time. I only go for 20 mins lunch and often stay on till about 6:30 pm to finish up my work.....I like my new job honestly....I love the job I do in there and I love my boss. She is the nicest one can ever get and I am sooo thankful of that. But it gets pretty quiet in the office. And often, I face the monitor and do my work whole day without a chat with my colleagues. I seem so out of place.....I guess I have to think on the bright side....its just my first week and it WILL get better as time goes by.

And because of the long hours at work, I am toooooo tired to cook by the time I reach home at night. Ok, lets see, I had only leftover rice and soup for dinner on Tuesday.....and only had a protein drink and a sausage on Thursday. Monday I had fastfood because I was in the rush to go to the gym. I gotta work out some time to eat man!

Ooooo....I watched Phantom of the Opera. Although Althony Warlow (the original Phantom) did not act that nite, the whole show was still AWESOME! And I am deeply in love with the guy who played Raoul, Alexander Lewis....


Hahah....okok....still can't see clearly.....Check this picture of him I hunt down at Google....


OMG is he HAWT!!! HOT HOT HOT!!!! And that picture above still don't do him justice. He seriously had those really Irish Englishman look.....like a younger version of Hugh Grant. I can't help but smile umpteen times that nite whenever he smiles or sings.....I am TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH HIS SMILE and HIS VOICE!!!!

The whole show was brilliant.......fantastic props and backdrops, perfect chandelier....there is nothing I can complain of....except I would love it if it was Anthony Warlow who played the Phantom part....and more of RAOUL! muaaahahahahahha.....

Oooo...and, I am down with serious itchy skin allergy. I suspect its because I have been wearing all new clothes the entire week and some chemical in it must be irritating my soft skin! I've got on intensive moisturiser + anti histamine now hoping it'll cure soon...

ARGHHHHH.....*itch* *itch*

Shit...gtg...its again almost 10:30pm...Gotta shower and sleep and prepare for a one whole week of battle again!!!


**Apologies for such impromptu post...I PROMISE PROMISE I will sit down more and blog as soon as I settle in my new life.....and I really mean PROMISE!**

This is the first ever time I am dragging myself to work on a Monday morning.....the first ever Monday Blue I have ever felt since I started working a year plus ago.....

I was having chest pain the whole night....and I constantly thought I am gonna have a heart attack any minute.....

I dragged myself up.....

My back hurts;
My chest still aching;
My nose running;
My throat drying up;
And I am coughing.

Yeah...the aftermath of my Hunters Weekend....

Rooney went totally crazy this morning when I brought him out for a walk. He was just running around me in circles and playing with his buddies, Corby and Zoey. At last, some friends after a traumatic weekend.

Rooney came back to Sydney suffering from a sore eye....Romeo wasn't too happy with him and bit him near the eye area.

Seeing Rooney running around like a mad dog, I know that he's relieved to be back with his buddies.

**More about the trip soon**