i guess i must be bloody disappointed when i say this. bloody disappointed..

all they can do is, just come out and fetch me in, and that seems like some mission impossible. initially, i was suppose to go with family A but they are far too busy to attend the event.. so i asked if any of them could fetch me.. NONE! all my life, i had never attended this kinda event before and i was so excited that i could this time round.. but disappointments never fail me.. i'm always left out.. at either side of the family. no wonder my brother doesn't even give a hoot. i never liked to trouble others, but this is really a vanity.

i can't believe tears rolled down my cheeks over this kinda matter.. i just dont belong anywhere.. sometimes, i believed, people only cared about themselves. this is the universal law.. sometimes you get that extra help or care or concern, but ultimately, people only bother about their own stuffs. they can strut all the help offers they want, but ultimately, their concern lasts for that very moment. once the cup is filled to the brim, thats it for them. you'll hear nothing else..

the older i get, the quieter i become. i think its because i dont belong anywhere. i could say things that sounds nice, but not things that are crucial. i'm just being fake or being nochalant? i ponder over this for quite some time though, and i'm still thinking.. probably the later because i notice, i'm beginning to see things in a clearer picture.

its a nice self retreat coming here sometimes, but at the same time, its an emotional rollercoaster where you position yourself in the hearts of people and find out the brutal truth behind all the facades of a beautiful relationship. all amounts to just momentarily enthusiasm standing behind the name of 'family'.. everytime, i feel so sickening after seeing how they decide to forsake my feelings assuming, 'i'm alright..' thrashing and stepping on my pride and dignity, rather.. ego.

now, thinking.. i guess its not really worth too much of my time and energy. i really do not want to strain myself too much on this. at least, blogging is a releasing output where i sort out my feelings.

pause*

a phone call just came and the bride decides to find someone to fetch me.. what an irony..

i've been running around dinners and lunches from cousin's pre wedding dinner to dinner and lunch treats from aunts and uncles.. its darn tiring chomping down fishes after fishes.. tho, its pretty entertaining at the same time..

many things are not within my jurisdiction and i do not want to interfere with its process.. so, i'm just darn worn out and i think i'm catching a cold.. i can't imagine myself wearing a jacket 24/7 in a tropical country..

i'm all jittery and worn out!!!

i've been waiting for rabbit's msn for no rhyme reasons lately.. when he logged in after touching down from melbourne, he msned me and told me nus decides to commission me for my work.. i guess thats why i'm so happy.. but at the same time, happiness brings sickness to me.. %^&*($%$£"!£ i hate the cold and i'm SICK!!! but i guess i was waiting for him to tell me the news for a week, i can see some moolahs coming in soon.. yay!!

last night, had a crazy web cam shoot with my lil cousins.. you know kids nowadays are darn good with the cameras.. i remember when i was a kid, i cry at the sight of taking photos.. tho i looked cute after every shot  when i was a kid.. hahahaa..

RIDICULOUSLY CUTE!! everytime i see yingyi on this picture, i'll flip.. hahahaa..

XD

her older brother calls her an 'auntie'.. while i find her face full of expressions.. RIDICULOUSLY CUTE!

and i realised i looked like a man in this picture.. looked like someone from ko3.. looked like ma chao.. i mean shao xiang.. 

I'M A MAN?!

HAHAHA...now i'm in 'tea mountain' now.. the sheer silence, hmm.. maybe not since those few are chatting outside in the teahouse.. living in the countryside, you hear lots of insects singing to each other.. its annoying yet.. homey..

i've been binging on panadols again.. sigh...

方炯鑌-棋子

I've been a fan of his for a long time..

this month totally sucks.. its not like whatever or whichever.. but the events that is growing thru is totally brain damaging and beyond what my emotions can carry..

1. a close brother figure of mine is getting marrying his sweetheart.. now, the angpao part is the headache since i'm still jobless..

2. my close cousin is finally marrying off.. okay, the staying in malaysia for 2 weeks without manga is the nerve wrecking part..

3. yh's and xsky's birthday.. i'm so broke that i can't buy anything expensive.. but thats not what i'm worrying, its just that i will not be around..

4. they are JUST turning 24.. and without 2 months plus time, i'll be 25.. and we're born in the same year.. -_-... totally devastating..

aishh.. what can i do..

i've been reading about a manga.. on how this fella who is a doctor relocated to a countryside for his medicinal practice.. he tried to save a young guy's heart whom he thinks has been trapped in loneliness and not trusting anyone..  while he tries to counsel him, in the end, the young guy revealed what happened.. the young guy's parents died in a car accident when he was young and he survived the accident miraculously.. his uncle and aunt decides to move in with him, since his family is damn rich, and starting taking care of him.. one day, he found out they were secretly selling his inherited lands and the two decides to leave.. they then revealed they knew that the car was faulty and did not expose the truth.. so that ultimately resulted the death of his parents.. the doctor immediately went into a state of trance.. he was reminded of his past where another co-worker intern was trying to talk to him but was rejected because he was busy. days later, the friend committed suicide.. the doctor pushed all the responsibility to himself and that if he were there to listen, or even take extra notice, maybe he could have prevented all these.. and saved his life.. the doctor continued to blame himself and associate his acts similiar to the ones of the young man's uncle and aunt..

ok.. then i went to restroom and mulled over the idea.. deja vu.. sounds so similiar.. i shed a tear.. my heart tugged for a while.. reminds me.. my brother's sms whom i refused to bother and even degraded it.. his classmate sent an sms bidding farewell to him and that how she is tired of everything and decide to end it all.. and before that, sms on depressing stuffs..

i thought it was nothing.. its just another young girl trying to gain attention and spit depression out of nowhere.. little did i know, days after, my brother received news of her suicide..

and that very moment.. the sms and the news linked..

i was mulling over the fact that i could have prevented it.. if i show some care over it.. and show it to my brother.. at least my brother could have done something..

but it was too late.. i could do nothing to help..

then i splashed water onto my face a little and continued the manga.. thinking nothing i could do about it, i continued reading the story..

the young guy snapped at the doctor.. said.. "you're different! my uncle and aunt knew about the engine's fault and hide the fact, thus, resulted in the deaths of my parents.. but your friend CHOSE to end his own life.. "

i know its silly.. but that very moment, the darkness and burden in my heart lifted..  

and i know, whatever silly decisions i take, its my own choice.. whether i choose to die or i choose to live..

i'd always blamed my mom for how my life events turn out.. why is she restricting me off everything.. why did she has to do this.. say this.. doesn't allow this and that.. that i had to follow her to whatever she says..  and messing up my life..  she's probably at fault for messing up my life.. but what really angers me most is, i choose to listen to her and make a mess out of it.. i chose to take that path.. and whatever decision i made.. i can't turn back now..

i want to do many things.. but it never daw ned on me that it would be so hard.. well, at least.. i have the urge to want to do things now.. at least... 

i'm going to do something.. let's start with my design tools first.. ^^

yes, i've been an ardent fan of kpop since turbo, hot, clon, shinhwa, era.. and my first interaction with k-rock was probably with ft island and seo taiji and boys.. and maybe when kin dong wan does the band thingie with shinhwa.. or maybe kim hyun joong who plays bass when he was younger.. till i found out trax was produced under yoshiki before, i gotta go gaga over him the guitarist, jungmo, who appears in oppa band as a guitarist.. his was called x-mas instead of his real name.. kim jungmo.. ahh gawd.. he's just so.. speechless.. epic, i would say.. its not like he's the best or whatever, but he's just.. so cute~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6eRe36bblkY

jungmo on guitar playing mirotic!! haha~

and lately, i'm so into this rookie kpop group cos of this one girl.. who looked like a guy.. i think the hair is darn cool.. and she has garnered lots of fan girls.. i'm slowly turning into one i think..

also.. park hyo shin craze is back again~~

and bryant chang craze is there as always..

yes, to my best friend, miss xsky.. i'm just so bored that i had to show you the pictures.. hahahaa.. kk.. ㅋㅋㅋ

打完收工~~

1. i want to straighten my hair..

2. i am really frustrated over some stuffs which is totally not related to me in any single ways.

3. i dont understand why some people are over sensitive about their who their kids looks after. in a way, we're related in one way or another, i see no point doing comparison because the kid takes after each and everyone's traits.

4. i'm waiting for ko3 to fully upload so that i can watch..

5. i want to do a nice barbecue..

6. i seriously want to straighten my hair..