It's been two years that I've been back to my hometown, Portland, Oregon. I do miss good ol' bay area where I resided alongside (okay two streets down) from Lake Merritt. Yet I no longer yearn my old lifestyle although I did get to experience so to speak living on my own, chill with friends on a day-to-day basis, commute to work on Bart and say I've worked in the Financial District. My retreat home was suppose to be a mending process, a learning journey to find the next big thing for myself. Now that two whole years have gone by...have I made any progress? Financially I can say that I've saved up more because I chosen to live at home and am no longer in debt. I've spent some time to finally learn more about personal finance. I can say I've grown up a bit in that sense....
However, I remain the same lost soul who picked up and left Oakland two years ago. Do I live a sad existence with no grand plans set in mind? I do have ideas. I dabble here and there. I am indeed a dabbler who likes to try out many many random things just to test out "maybe" just maybe this will spark a "Ah HA"! this is the one! I like many things but I cannot truely say I've been obsessively passionate about something. Perhaps I can say I enjoy learning Chinese and history I refuse to accept the idea of being a typical ABC . I can speak fluent Cantonese in which I'm proud of but I've hit a stagnant plateau. I've been saying for years that I want to venture abroad whether it be Taiwan or China to learn Chinese. I got rejected from the Taiwan Fulbright last year. I shouldn't let that hold me back so I've applied to the ICLP program at NTU. Something is holding me back though is it that I feel reluctant and scared of leaving the comfort of living in the states? or I feel guilty for deviating from a "career oriented" path. Should I be patient and pad up my savings account some more before I blow it all on a 1 year trip to China or Taiwan? I studied Econ while I was at Cal, but I also filled my class schedules with all the Chinese related humanities/lit courses. So that should tell me something....
Maybe I have committment issues I can't seem to hone in on one thing ..I usually pick up things quickly and do very well in the beginning and then I either lose sight or can't focus...All these little things I have to pick apart and analyze myself to get over this overhead looming obstacle...I need to add a lil spice and adventure just to get me exciting about aiming for things and actually working for them ...maybe things have come too easily ...and now takes more than a lil luck for things to come true....
indecisiveness indecisiveness or perhaps fear of failure ...........the motto of my life right now.......:P
