Ive decided to do as my momma always told me... "if you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all." Ive hit a road block in my spiritual battle... more like a mine field of DOOM!! Blood and guts flying everywhere! BOOM! ;)
I had high hopes when i woke up this Sunday morning;) i had a wonderful day planned with the family all home, cozy warm, doing some crafts we have been wanting to do~ listening to Christmas music and worshiping together~ sounds lovely right? well, one thing lead to another and no one wanted to play along with the montage of joy i imagined;) I got sooo very frustrated when my hubby TURNED ON THE XBOX... it was like a slap in the face. I thought he would give me ONE DAY! ...... I said somethings to my husband. Even though it was the harshest truth of how i felt at the time, it didnt build either of us up. In fact, it may have been a little to honest (I donno about you, but I have some dark menacing thoughts ramble thru my head at times, especially when im already angry, im such an easy target.
I called my sister (love ya;) and BELLOWED my FUSTRATION, deppresion, angst, and everything thing else thats been brewing and boiling. I told her that i closed my bible this morning and was just filled with anger. God hasnt been talking to me lately. Or Ive built a wall. I am struggling with false doctrines I grew up beliving and now that i am reading the scriptures, I find things i misunderstood, and were taught differently... UGH! Lately, the Bible has not lifted me up at all. I dont know what is happening. Actually, I do. Im in a battle and I forgot to bring my sheild of faith! I think ive been going to the Bible as my life line, and thats just not so! The Holy Spirit is here with me, Jesus is praying over me, God is LOVING me! I need to break down whatever wall ive built and build my relationship with God.
After getting of the phone with my sissy, I felt a bit better, a little recharged. I decided to make lunch for everyone and then go to my room and pray till i have to make dinner ;) well, I started cooking, and Its almost like the devil heard me say what my plans were, because things stated happening, one right after the other that were threatening to set me off in a CRAZY screaming fit!! I was losing Patience and focus by the milla second.
Thats when it hit me, I need to SHUT UP! If i even yelled at the dog, to get out of the garbage can 1 MORE TIME, EVERYTHING was going to spew from my mouth in a venomous rage. The kids would have been upset, my hubby would get mad, the dog wouldn't listen anyway... there would be NO winning if i lost it. So ive decided to give it away. Im not talking. I dont want to say whats on my mind, in my heart and running thru my brain, because it hasnt really helped so far! i WANT a change in this house. I know i set the mood, and im just not strong enough to keep this up. I cant keep a tight rein on my tongue.
James 3:1-12 says
1Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.
2We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his
whole body in check.
3When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal.
take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by
strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the
pilot wants to go.
the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts.
Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.
tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It
corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire,
and is itself set on fire by hell.
7All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man,
8but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
9With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness.
10Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.
11Can both fresh water and salt
a water flow from the same
12My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.I dont have a 1000 people congregation to teach, I dont have a multi million dollar ministry reaching out to the far corners of the world. But I AM a teacher. Not because i homeschool, because i am entrusted with three precious souls to train in the ways of our LORD Jesus. I have not been a very good momma lately. Its because ive lost my focus. I havent been waking up with a prayer to be filled with the holy spirit and grace! I havent really been praying at all... not like i should not as an open line of communication keeping a relationship healthy and strong. Im suffering the consequences of being a stubborn stiff necked person.I saw the chance to turn away from sin and run in the opposite direction. Instead of opening my mouth to "tell it like it is and how it ganna be!" I said as calmly as I could... "Im not talking for the rest of the day" and that was it. I want to live by actions for a while. see how things change.. We are a very cuddly family, we do show our love for each other. I say it often... but i also say a lot of other stuff to... "Stop arguing! thats IT!" "I dont care WHO started it! im finishing it!" " go to your room!" I feel more like a referie, and its because i put myself in that position. there is a time and place for all that, but i am tired of talking, "When will this round be over? oh, ok...(20 min later) Why did u start another game?! you know i needed you!" Im tired of yelling, Saying things i regret later, and im tired of not being heard. Im not going to set a time and say ill talk then. I want to be holding on to Jesus, not the clock. Ill trust the holy Spirit to tell me when ive crossed the finish line. Ive been wanting to fast, but my health hasnt permitted me to, id just get sick, dizzy pass out and grumpy. and every time ive thought about it, it hasn't rung true in my heart. My problems begin with my mouth. and so its time to shut it ;)keep me in your prayers;)