I have been noticing, that saying "thank you" may not always be the right thing to say. Now i know that my mom always told me "Say please and Thank you, Midg." (she called me Midget a lot as a kid;) And in most cases it IS the polite thing to do. But when does saying thank you (or accepting gratitude) cross the line to feeding pride, and (pardon the expression), butt kissing ;) lol i cant think of any other way to put it.
Sometimes i feel like my heart is so full of questions, and confusion...that i have no good quality left for ME to be inspired by. I know every shameful little thought that pitter patters thru my brain. I know every stumbling block that keeps me from being who others seem to think i am. I guess my big theme for my winter revival ive been going thru, has been "GET YOUR HEART RIGHT" and everything else will fall into place! But that is proving to be harder than I thought. I honestly have a hard time turning away from the temptations of this world. Sometimes, I dont even notice until its to late. Other times I notice and have a hard time caring... I have had days where i just dont want to read my Bible. I know these are the days when i need it the most, but i just feel so helpless. even rebellious...
When you know the truth of the word, when you feel the Holy Spirits presence in your life, Its like opening a window and feeling the sun and smelling the breeze for the very first time. It is intoxicating=) The thing I have been having a hard time with is, How do i feel that all the time? And How do I keep myself from being discouraged when the sun shine fades and I am all to aware of the darkness in this world? I have to understand that the Devil is SOOOO patient. He is just waiting for me to give an inch, so he and drag me a mile. Devotionals are so important, but its like everything else, if my heart is not in it, if i am distracted, then I am shutting the window myself...
Every day I am struggling to stay on the straight and narrow. lol I know im making this sound bad, and some of you may be thinking some awful things...maybe wondering what exactly I am struggling with, you may be surprised to find that some of the biggest struggles in my life are considered "trivial quarks" by this worlds standards. But I have heard the truth, I have made a commitment to God, in Jesus name. My standards are not of this world. I dont want to be a stumbling block to others, by saying thank you. Or praising them instead of giving the Glory to God. I have started to be very careful how i word things. So I can be a messenger of love and encouragement, with out kissing butt lol.
I am a very passionate person. A lot of times this is good, I tend to jump right in and show love, comfort, and yes, correction when the spirit moves me. I have been very careful to pray and see where my heart is before I leap. Because if I am doing something for MY selfish heart I can feel how tainted my actions are. I am afraid to stand before Jesus and say "Lord, look at all I did in you name!" and he would know my hearts true intentions he could say "Depart from me, I never KNEW you." It breaks my heart to catch myself acting in my own wicked ways. Someone told me that what i was feeling was normal, and not to worry, because we are all human....not to worry?! There is only ONE that I was made to praise, and that is GOD. ~just so you all know, this next part is hard for me to put into words~
The last time i talked to Carol, we both knew her time in this world was almost over. She had battled cancer, and by Gods grace, she stayed with us longer than the Dr. s thought she could. I knew that this would be the last time I would hear her voice, get to ask her questions, make her laugh when i told her what crazy mischief the kids had gotten into. After we talked for a while, she said she was getting tired. I felt a rush of emotion and just wanted her to know what she had meant to me. How she had inspired me to be a good christian woman. How she never made me feel like my questions about life, love and God were silly. She always answered them with a loving heart. And when she would take my hand to pray before I went home, I could feel how IN LOVE she was with Jesus.... Fighting back tears, and trying not to sob on the phone, I said "Carol...Thank you. For EVERYTHING" I could hear her breathing on the line, and almost with renewed strength, she said "Dont you thank ME! I couldnt do anything with out God." I could just see her shaking her head at me. "YOU give YOUR thanks to HIM! I am nothing with out him. I have nothing to give, but, remember, he does." ~Carol passed away with in a week of our last conversation.
This happened in the fall. and my revival has been, in some ways, inspired by her love. I can feel how that last conversation, how that last life lesson I learned thru her, was from GOD. and how careful I must be to give praise in Jesus name alone. If I were to become a stumbling block to others, If I were to shy them away from the very purpose of their life....by enabling them to feel that this life and that worldly "love" and admiration was ENOUGH to live fulfilled lives....well, words just fail to express the sorrow in my heart.
I am writing this to all of you, because I feel the Spirit is telling me it is time. I have been holding on to this lesson, keeping this last cherished moment with Carol, my friend, to myself. But NOW I feel that someone, in someway, needs to know there is one relationship that is eternal. What every you have to do, do it.
I truly have LOVE for my heavenly family. I pray that one day, I will get to give you all a hug, and we can Praise God together. This world and all its falseness will pass. Just HOLD ON.
Stay true to what you know in your heart, and when the hard days come, PRAY! even if you just end up curled in a ball on the floor crying so hard you want to vomit....(yeah, ive had those days...) Let it all Go in Jesus name. The Son will shine once more, and the Holy Spirit will wash over you like a cool refreshing breeze.
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