Wow.  I'm right there with you.  At least we can know it's worth it and that, whatever realizations and change result, God's going to work it all to the good.  Everything promises to be better down the road when you courageously self-examine and refuse to grow stagnant.  

Happy Birthday!  (Sorry I'm a little late...)

happy birthday!!!

hope you'll have a great birthday

Well, as painful as looking at the past can be, especially things we did that, at least in hindsight, don't seem to have been good choices, it shows us how we got to be where we are today.   Who and what we are this very moment is the summation of everything that we have been since the moment we were born.  Some things we choose to leave behind, like children stop wearing diapers when they get toilet trained.  It is those things we are still clinging to that should have been let go of long ago, that is where the work is--identifying and letting go of those things.  

If there is something you feel like you can't let go of right now, don't worry yourself sick over it.  Take a clear hard look at how you have been using that worn out attitude, behavior, whatever--what does it get you in life, and at what cost?  That might be the "aha" moment you need to put it into perspective and deal with this part of yourself in an enlightened way.  Unless people are seriously ill (mentally, spiritually), they don't hang onto outmoded behaviors or attitudes just for the hell of it.  It has gotten them something in life time and time again that, either they could not figure out how to get any other way (manipulation) or that they just weren't ready to do without, even though, intellectually, they knew this stuff had passed its expiration date.  

Bottom line--allow yourself to be human.  Be aware of the why's and the how's of your life.  This should make it easier to accept that which is and to move forward to what you are trying to create with your life.  You seem to have good people in your life who love you.  Trust that they can see the things in you that you can't always see in yourself.  It is there, and, just like your face, all you need is a mirror to see it.

I hope you have a great birthday!!  I know it's hard taking a hard honest look at oneself and the past, but I pray for God to give you wisdom!